Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
THE PROBLEM NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT: THE UNATTRACTIVE BABY
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Jaimee joins Ross to discuss the evolutionary significance of the less than great looking baby and what to say when your friends make you look at their ugly offspring. Tangents include: ugly dog pageant; bonefish; Gerber baby; Ikea Pets; baby lipo; Indiana Mole Women; Steve Buscemi; head shapers; ham in a jar; how parents trick you into making fun of their baby.
Notes:
- https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/02/210205210627.htm
- https://www.npr.org/2010/07/05/127937070/the-human-edge-finding-our-inner-fish#:~:text=The%20Human%20Edge%3A%20Finding%20Our%20Inner%20Fish%20%3A%20NPR&text=The%20Human%20Edge%3A%20Finding%20Our%20Inner%20Fish%20One%20very%20important,eventually%20became%20part%20of%20us.
- https://abcnews.go.com/Health/america-race-birth-rates-suggest-white-majority-minority/story?id=13934948
- https://biologos.org/common-questions/how-have-christians-responded-to-darwins-origin-of-species
- https://www.babylist.com/hello-baby/amniotic-fluid
- https://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/research-explains-why-you-might-find-newborn-babies-ugly/24CQC3VUTTUH24OYNZIUR3ZV5I/
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
Just because you think your baby is cute doesn't mean it is. Don't force us to look at your ugly baby.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god, how rude! Is that horrible?
SPEAKER_04Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder what and why. I'm Ross, your host, and today my guest is a wonderful human and someone who puts the capital P in the word that Jamie. Hey Jamie.
SPEAKER_00Alright.
SPEAKER_04Welcome to the show, everyone. And thank you for joining us and listening to our show. If you can share it with other people, that really helps us.
SPEAKER_01Let's chop it up. Let's do it.
SPEAKER_04We know that humans like having babies for some reason. You heard that, right?
SPEAKER_01I've heard that.
SPEAKER_04That's what we do, but we also know that sometimes, at least at first, some newborns don't look that great. You know, in the first few weeks or months, the little raisin masters aren't always killing it in the looks department. Jamie. Yes. If you were around 500 million years ago, what would you be?
SPEAKER_03Oh. You'd be a bone fish. Okay.
SPEAKER_04Because that's I would. The scientific understanding is that we most likely evolved from certain bone fish who shimmed landwards. So skinny. And they turned into primitive lizard-like animals. Okay. That's where we come from.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we slivered our way onto the land.
SPEAKER_04The DNA sequence that controls the formation of our synovial joints already existed in the common ancestors of bone fish. Bonefish. How do Mormons deal with evolution, by the way? Jamie is a ex-Mormon. How do they deal with it?
SPEAKER_01They do not.
SPEAKER_04They don't deal with it. No. Do they well, so the Catholic Church came out at some point and said, We're we're going to allow for something we're going to call theistic evolution, which God created in a system that evolves. So he's still the creator. Yeah. But you're all came from bone fish.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So deal with that. And other Christian religions have done similar things. But I don't know what the Mormons do.
SPEAKER_01I don't really know either. I I I mean, I obviously it's been uh watch check twenty something years since I've gone to church. Um so probably things have changed since last I went in, but um Adam and Eve back. Adam and Eve.
SPEAKER_04Adam and Eve were bonefish. Bonefish. You got it. Yeah. Um it wasn't actually until the second half of the 20th century where people started um talking about the new earth versus the old earth. So most established religions want you know, for a long time just kind of said, Yeah, we'll roll with that. We'll roll with the fact that it's an old earth and that evolution has taken place and there's evidence for that, and we'll just say God did that. Yeah. And we'll move on. And everybody's like, oh, good, that's easy. By the way, awesome. Great, great when you can just yeah.
SPEAKER_01Easy peasy. Yeah, that's we're done here.
SPEAKER_04That's part of it. You know, aliens land. Yeah, that's part of it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04They're all God's creatures. Everybody march single file into the spaceship and we're gonna go see God. So, anyway, uh, we come from bone fish and lizard-like things. So, you know, lizards, they don't win beauty pageants. You never heard of a lizard beauty pageant. You never said and heard anyone say, Look at that beautiful lizard. Well, look at that nice little page.
SPEAKER_01I'd less hang out with different people than you.
SPEAKER_04Do they still have beauty pageants? Did we get rid of beauty pageants once any kind of pageant? Are we still doing beauty?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, are we still doing that? Were you a pageant kid? No. I was an ugly, ugly child. So this that's what I wasn't allowed in their pageants.
SPEAKER_04Did they have ugly child pageants? They should.
SPEAKER_01We we we used to go to this like uh skating rink, it was like a roller skating rink, and they would have this thing called the snowball. And that's when all the girls would stand on the outside of the rink and the boys would skate on the inside, and they would play like the slow dance music, and the boys would come and pick whatever m beautiful girl they wanted. Oh and guess who never got picked?
SPEAKER_04Are you kidding? Well, you got your revenge later in life.
SPEAKER_01Yes. In elementary school, it was snowball. Yes. My sweet perm and my overalls.
SPEAKER_04Because you were like on a farm or something. I always imagine you being a farm girl driving a pickup truck, loaded with hay.
SPEAKER_01I might as well have been, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Straw hanging out of your mouth. We don't see too many strangers around here. So how much gas you want? You're not going up to the old Wilson cabin, are you? I'm kind of turning you into an old man now. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, I looked like an old man, yeah. You look like an old man.
SPEAKER_04It's what a transformation. Good for you. Thank you. That's good work.
SPEAKER_01You know what I love though, is the the ugliest dog pageant.
SPEAKER_04I the where is this pageant?
SPEAKER_01Where would I see it? It's like a global competition, and they are the ugliest dogs, but I love them. Ugliest dogs. I want them all. Yeah. You are That's the only kind of beauty pageant that should exist, is the ugliest dog competition.
SPEAKER_04There are people I know there's a person that I'm close to that really has some ugly dogs. Exactly. And I know I but I mean, I know that you have dogs, I mean, they're like misshapen or something, right? There one has no teeth.
SPEAKER_01There's one cute one, and there's one that's so ugly that it's cute. Yeah, she's got no teeth, her tongue hangs out.
SPEAKER_04There are people that go for these kinds of dogs. Like they really like.
SPEAKER_01I go to the Humane Society and I'm like, well, show me the ugly.
SPEAKER_04Show me the ugly.
SPEAKER_01You're coming home with me. You're mine now.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you go to the back side, like the place where they don't it's all the reject pile.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the reject pile of dogs.
SPEAKER_04They're just like you don't want to go back there.
SPEAKER_01I'm like, yes, yes, I can't.
SPEAKER_04Take me back there. It's like the x-rated part of the old video stores. There's like a little curtain. Take me behind the curtain. Yeah, take me behind the curtain. I want to see the ugliest crap you got. I want to see stuff I want to throw up, and then I'm gonna buy it. I'm gonna take the one that's gonna be.
SPEAKER_01Is it missing chunks of fur? That's the one for me.
SPEAKER_04Yes. Does it have no teeth? Or the teeth are in the wrong place? Yes. Their teeth are on their back.
SPEAKER_01I will take that one.
SPEAKER_04They have no spine. Yes, please. They come in a plastic sack. Yes.
SPEAKER_01It's just a couple of dog parts you gotta assemble yourself. Yeah, build it yourself.
SPEAKER_04It's IKEA style. It's like mix and match. Mix and match dog parts. Put it in a put it in a paper bag, and I'm on my way with a smile on my face. So suffice it to say that we come from ugly. That's where I'm going with this whole thing. We come from ugly. Also, you have never been pregnant as far as I know. No. But I don't know everything about you. I don't know your secrets. Almost everything. I don't know your secrets, but you claim you've never been pregnant. But if you do get pregnant, and some people listening to the show probably have been pregnant or are getting pregnant at this very minute. Um I hope not. Uh the environment of the fetus is pretty watery. There is they sit in amniotic fluid. Yes. So the baby's floating in water. And after about 20 weeks uh of pregnancy, the fluid is comprised mostly of the baby's own urine. Oh. So that's what you're floating in as a little fetus.
SPEAKER_01He's got a belly full of urine.
SPEAKER_04Well, yeah, that's from the mom's perspective. But from the kid, you're just in it. That's your environment, and you're okay with it.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_04You're okay with it. You like it until you're born. So when the baby comes out, it's been floating in its own urine. It's the ancestors are lizards and bone fish. So, you know, the little juicer is not gonna look so great. They don't look good when they come out, they come through a kind of a what they call a birth canal, but it's more of a it's like sliding a letter under a door or something. It's like tight, it's a tight fit. Yeah, they prune out in that that little watery environment. Right. You know, they uh their heads are misshapen. Yeah, and so they look like that. They've been floating in their own pee. They do look kind of like a fish or lizard, you know, when they first come out. My first kid was orange with black hair.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you had a little oompa loompa baby.
SPEAKER_04She yes, she was, and then we had to leave her there, so because I put a light on her to help her break down this stuff called bilirubin.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's a fun word.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah. It's like the name of a shortstop from the sandwich.
SPEAKER_01Or like a sandwich, a delicious sandwich. Oh, uh yes, a sandwich or a shortstop. I'll take the bilirubin.
SPEAKER_04Uh I'll take the bilirubin with cheese, yeah. With cheese, you can put the cheese right on top.
SPEAKER_03Just put the cheese in my pocket.
SPEAKER_04I'll have it later. Um, yes. So we had a lever, so she's born. We take her home, she turns orange, we take her back, and we say, This one's no good. It's take a new one, please. Give us one that isn't like, you know, doesn't look like uh somebody took a Sharpie to it. Like, give us a real kid, not a cartoon kit. No, we said, uh oh. And they said, Oh yeah, this happens. What we do is we put a light on her and that helps break down, you know, do the work that the body is supposed to be doing. Because she was born premature, and I guess that's common because you know, not all of her parts are working. Right. She probably didn't even have all our parts inside because you know she came out so early.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_04But it was really hard leaving her there for sure. Because it was like your first kid? Yeah, and I didn't know if I was supposed to.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_04Like, should I be staying here? And they're like, no, go home, rest, yeah, she'll be fine. You come back, you can see her tomorrow, and you know, maybe we can let her go home, or maybe it'll be two days, but it won't be long. So we're like standing there going, like, should we like is this a mistake? Are we stupid for leaving? It's like we didn't really know, but we did. Yeah. We felt very apprehensive about it, but we did go home, we did come back, and we eventually brought her home and she stopped being orange.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04The hair, though, continued.
SPEAKER_01I had the opposite problem when I was born. I was born late, and I was damn near ten pounds. I was That's a big baby. I was overcooked. Overcooked quite a large baby. And my brother and sister were like six, six, seven pounds each, tiny little guys. You came out as a big old fat baby.
SPEAKER_04You were came out as a toddler.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, very big.
SPEAKER_04You were fully grown, you came out with overalls on.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_04So you're all dressed and ready to go. Ready to go for school. Came out with a lunch box.
SPEAKER_01Yep. I was working already, I had a job.
SPEAKER_04Ready for school.
SPEAKER_01Full nine to five.
SPEAKER_03I want to play soccer.
SPEAKER_04So um the second kid uh came out regular time, uh, but um there was something weird about her. Um well, there was like all day the storm was building, and they kept saying it was gonna be a really bad, like lightning storm, and thunder, and rain, and Armageddon. So the whole day I'm like watching like the progress of the birth and the weather, and it's like you can tell I could just knew they were gonna happen at the same time. And sure enough, there was a first crack of some serious lightning outside the hospital or on the hospital, and she came out. Oh wow. So I always say she was born with lightning, and then she immediately like they after they get them breathing and all the junk, they stick them like in a box and take them somewhere. Okay. And uh right from the beginning, she's like trying to move in this box and get out, and that's like her whole life has been like that.
SPEAKER_03She's always like, Ah, I'm uncomfortable, I gotta move, I can't. Yeah, like as a little kid, she'd always say, I'm hot, I'm uncomfortable, my back hurts, my fingers.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, she's um, she was basically like a gripey old lady as a baby. I can relate. She still is. Okay. Some scientists suggest that there's evolutionary significance to having an ugly baby. And they think that one reason was um because a lot of kids did not live. So if they came out looking like an ugg ball, parents wouldn't get attached to them, especially the mothers. And it would be easier if they didn't make it past the first few hours or few days. Infant mortality used to be a much bigger thing, and it is still a big thing in some parts of the world, but it used to be a much bigger thing for everybody than it is now. Yeah. And so early on, yeah, if this thing looked like a lizard fish and it didn't make it, you might be thinking, dodged a bullet thing. What was that? I didn't sign up for that. So um there the other, so this delayed attachment, and this I know this to be true, that some parents, especially again the mothers, report a delayed attachment with their child, like they have it, they're gonna take care of it, but they don't feel like this bond initially. Okay, and that might have evolutionary significance. Sure. The other thing scientists suggest is that um when we were primarily hunter-gatherers, we were on the move. And uh, you know, you'd if you had a kid already that was being nursed and another kid comes along, you can't do both. So you'd have to pick a kid. Oh. And if you hadn't attached to the second one, right, you know, pick the more attractive ones. Yeah, yeah, you know, Scooby-Doo. Put it in a basket, drop it in a stream, and let your feet do the walking. Sounds bad, but apparently that was a thing that, you know, a long time ago.
SPEAKER_00Sure.
SPEAKER_04Before there was YouTube that people would do and there wouldn't be anybody judging you.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_04What do you think about that, by the way?
SPEAKER_01That's crazy. That's interesting.
SPEAKER_04It makes sense, though, right?
SPEAKER_01It does make sense, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Because like there there's always reasons, and we think about like, why does this you know, why are we totally why do babies look like Martians when they come out?
SPEAKER_00I gave birth to a scarecrow. Yeah, they're freakish.
SPEAKER_04Like what? Speaking of uh making choices, some parents are mad at the Gerber people. So Gerber for the last few years has had a baby contest for who's gonna be the face of their baby food. Now, if I remember correctly, and I'm doing this all from memory from an article I I read that I'll post on the site, but I don't have the article in front of me. But if I remember correctly, the first Gerber baby uh was some it was like 94 years ago, and it was a like a charcoal drawing of a real baby who still is alive today. No, she's 95. Wow. So in recent years they have contests and they have hundreds of thousands of people typically that submit their baby to be selected, and they get a uh they get a pretty good prize if your baby's selected. They get somewhere, depending on the year, I don't know why they change the amounts, but it's ranged from 25 to 50k that they drop on you because they pick your kid to be the face of the Gerber baby products. But but this last couple of years, people have started, especially with the advent of social media, and everybody can air their gripes, to say, Well, they're picking them too quickly. How do they go through all these babies and make a decision? I've got a great looking baby, and why didn't they pick? And I noticed some people are mad because they have toddlers and they think the toddler should have been a Gerber baby.
SPEAKER_01Literally called the Gerber baby.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's baby food.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So why would I have a toddler on there? Right. What are they gonna have? Gerber teen?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Gerber old man.
SPEAKER_01Also, this is a side note, but I was in line waiting for my prescription the other week, and I just happened to be in the baby aisle, and they have uh jars of ham. Like baby food that's jars of ham. Is that a thing?
SPEAKER_04Where were you?
SPEAKER_01I was at Safeway. They had like little gerber baby jars, and it was ham.
SPEAKER_04Jars of ham?
SPEAKER_01Ham. That's not baby food.
SPEAKER_04Like pieces of ham?
SPEAKER_01No, it was like a mashed up ham. Like mashed ham.
SPEAKER_04Well, they mash up everything.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they'll they just mash you don't know actually what it is.
SPEAKER_01If you can mash it, they will mash it.
SPEAKER_04Well, they mash the crap out of it and like run it through a bunch of like industrial strainers and reformulators, and then they put a label on it and they say it's something. You don't know what it actually is.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04You don't know what it is. It's different colors. Why not? A kid likes a little ham. Probably put a little mayo in there, mustard.
SPEAKER_01A nice aioli.
SPEAKER_04Some people like mustard on a ham sandwich. They maybe put in some uh some starches, some carbs.
SPEAKER_01I didn't know babies needed ham. It caught me off guard.
SPEAKER_04I think babies should have ham. So not all babies look so great. I've noticed there's a just casually looking, there's a ton of content on the web about ugly babies and what to do about them. Okay. Most of it's snarky and horrifying to me. Right. It's really bad. There was this one place I found where people were posting questions, and so I just pulled a couple. They're just so horrible.
SPEAKER_01I'm I'm excited and scared.
SPEAKER_04Quote We have friends that have a very homely child. They think the poor thing is beautiful and are always talking about acting lessons and commercials and when she's old enough. I know it sounds terrible, but the kid looks like she's from Chernobyl.
SPEAKER_03Oh boy.
SPEAKER_04My dogs won't even play with her and run away whimpering when they visit. It's very odd because they are a good-looking couple. What do I do? I mean, come on.
SPEAKER_01Come on.
SPEAKER_04And by the way, I want to know what those if those dogs are good-looking dogs or ugly dogs.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they're the world's ugliest dogs.
SPEAKER_04Because the ugly dogs wouldn't run away from an ugly kid, right?
SPEAKER_01No, they're the sweetest.
SPEAKER_04They would be in sympathy with each other.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that's why you get them, because they're sweet, sweet dogs.
SPEAKER_04They're sweet, sweet dogs, plus a lot of them like yours, don't have any teeth. They can't hurt anybody. They can't do anything bad.
SPEAKER_01Nothing.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's like who cares? You know, so their baby's ugly. Give them a break. Babies are not every baby is gonna be a Gerber baby.
SPEAKER_01And not every actor is beautiful. This kid can still take adjustments.
SPEAKER_04Some of the most famous actors are totally destroyed in the facial area. Right. Um, who's the bug-eyed guy? I love that so much.
SPEAKER_01Oh, Steve Bushimi. Are you Steve Bushimi?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, am I? Yes, I am. Yeah. Is that him? He's got buggy eyes. Uh-huh. But here's another one. At work, a lady has a picture of her freakish baby on a wall in our copy room. Okay. Along with other babies. I rearrange I rearranged it so that a picture of a cute baby blocks the freakish baby.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god.
SPEAKER_04Every once in a while she unblocks it. So I block it again. I wonder if she ever thinks about why it's being blocked. Just because you think your baby is cute doesn't mean it is. Don't force us to look at your ugly baby.
SPEAKER_00Oh my God, how rude. Isn't it horrible?
SPEAKER_04And there's like endless things like this. Um, and so this is not a hard thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So, first of all, as I mentioned early on, we come from Bonefish and we don't start looking like babies for at least six months. Yeah. The the Gerber baby, you know, they don't put real newborns on there because no one would ever buy the ham. They would never buy the jar of ham.
SPEAKER_01They would never buy the jar of ham if there was a squishy prune. Yeah, no, yeah. A lizard baby. Right.
SPEAKER_04Sometimes, yeah, kids can look a little, you know, they've got goggly eyes, or you know, something's going on with their head that isn't, you know, normal, like it's a beach ball or whatever. Their body is what all over the place.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04It was it's okay. They're a beautiful human.
SPEAKER_01Also, they can be cute as a baby, and then everyone goes through that awkward like tween stage where your teeth are too big and got horse teeth. You got you got a perm and overalls. Like you got you go through your awkward stage, and after puberty you can come out one way or the other.
SPEAKER_04Here's what happened to me. I was a very cute baby. And I can prove it with pictures. I was a very cute and happy, smiley baby. And then I went through an awkward phase and I never got out of it. I stayed in it. So that can happen too. And that's all you have. You just have the memory of that time when you were a Gerber baby and you had all the ham you needed. So it's not hard to deal with this, okay? If you're in this situation where a friend says, I want you to come over and see the baby, and you come over to see the baby, and it's a little Frankenfurter and you're hating on it, you can do simple things.
SPEAKER_01Zip it.
SPEAKER_04Well, you don't say anything negative.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_04But you can comment on the eyes. That's a place. Oh, look at those eyes. He or she or they are so alert.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Stuff like that. You can notice if they have like a shock of hair, like my first kid did, like this black hair. Yeah. Like it was thick too. It was like had product in it. It was like, what is going on?
SPEAKER_03You can chop, wow, look at that hair. That's great.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. So you notice things. People have even said you can look at the fingers and toes.
SPEAKER_03Right. And say, Oh, look at those little fingers.
SPEAKER_04They're so cute. See? And you're not, you can still in your mind be thinking, holy crap, put a sack over this kid and put a sack over my head in case the kid's sack falls off. So I'm protected here. You can be thinking that, but you don't say it.
SPEAKER_01You don't say it. You don't say it. Don't post it on the internet.
SPEAKER_04If they got no features that you like, you can always comment on the outfit. Whatever little onesie they got on. Look at that little circus animal onesie. I don't know what the babies wear. You can say how happy the baby looks if they look happy. Yeah. Or whatever. They might just look like they were punched. Whatever it is, they might just have a dopey grin. But you can say, wow, that baby's so happy. You can talk about how alert they are. Uh-huh. You know, if they're alert, you can say that. Or say anything. You can compliment the parents. Oh, you're doing such a good job. Right. You're so good with the baby. Make them feel good. It's not hard. And then you go home and then you got go home talk with whoever you are.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you go tell your significant other or whoever. Like I just saw the world's ugliest baby.
SPEAKER_04And the best time, one of the best times in life is when you get together with somebody after you just had a weird event out in the world, and then you just talk about it. You talk smack all the way back to your crib. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like that's kind of the coolest time. Right. When you're with someone who trusts you and you trust them, and you can really just say, Wasn't that baby? Wow.
SPEAKER_03That wow.
SPEAKER_04No wonder none of the clocks in that place work. My watch melted.
SPEAKER_01This baby was super ugly.
SPEAKER_04And you can say stuff like that.
SPEAKER_01Just not to the parents.
SPEAKER_04No, or anyone. Just to your trusted partner. That's why you should everyone should have a trusted partner so you can say these things to or just a trusted friend or someone you can talk to.
SPEAKER_01You text them and you say, This is gonna sound really bad. And then you know it's gonna be great.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's delicious time. It's part of being a human, it really is. It's delicious time. People say, Oh, you shouldn't think bad things about people. No, we all think the things you don't say the things, but later you say the things. Right. Um, so uh, but you can't there is a trap here lurking, and I fell into it. There is a trap here.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04And and uh and it happened to me a long time ago. Um, a friend of ours, really was a friend of my spouse's, invited us over, and we hadn't had a kid yet, but but she had her first kid, and we're all in our twenties, like we're young folks, don't know anything. And here's the trap that can happen, and this is a warning to everyone out there, no matter how old you are, you can fall into this trap where the parents, in this case the mother, s makes fun of how the baby looks. They do it very, very slyly. They will say something like, Oh, we always joke that he has a little pumpkin head.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_04Okay, or they'll say, Look at those ears. Aren't they kind of like Spock ears? Uh-huh. Or something like that. And then you feel like you've been invited into funny commentary. Oh, the parents see that the baby's got a pumpkin head. Yeah. And so then you say, Yeah, looks like a jack-o'-lantern three weeks after Halloween, you know, when they're kind of rotting and they're kind of like rotting and molding on the porch. And then the parent looks at you like horrified. Yes. So they trick you into thinking that you can make comments. Don't fall for it. It's a trap. It is the it's a trap.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_04It's a trap. They are waiting. What they're really doing is they want you to say, Oh, I think he's got a great-looking head.
SPEAKER_03Doesn't look like a pumpkin at all or any other kind of legume. Not a gourd. There's no gourd. I don't see there's no gourd.
SPEAKER_04It doesn't look like a gourd. He doesn't look like he should be in a crummy horror movie.
SPEAKER_03I'm not having any of those thoughts.
SPEAKER_04I think this baby is definitely should have as much ham as he should be on a jar of ham. Put that baby on a jar of ham. So um, yeah, you don't want to fall into that trap. I do think, though, there's a business opportunity here. Okay. And that's six months before the kid plumps out a little bit, you know, so they start out as, you know, the little shrunken head and weird-looking lizard bone fish. And it's like, you got to deal with that as a parent. So you're not really feeling it. Yeah, you have to pretend to like it, but you're like, uh, what is this thing? And of course, everyone is looking at this thing, going, whoa. Yeah. Even if they're not saying it, they're thinking it. We just did an episode, you and I, about cosmetic surgery. Why can't we bring this to the babies?
SPEAKER_01Babies, cosmetic surgery.
SPEAKER_04We need just that for that six months. You could kids born after a couple days, you pump them up with a little used lipo. Some filler. You turn them into a Gerber baby right away. You plump them out. You know? Yeah. You just plump out that little baby. If they'd come out with no hair, you slap some kind of hair transplant on them or whatever. And uh that's a good looking baby. Totally. That's a ham baby right there.
SPEAKER_01That baby should be on a jar of hamburger.
SPEAKER_04So I think this is like um I don't know why that I'm assuming this isn't a thing. I'll probably find out it's a thing. I'll probably find out this is a thing. I have a cosmetic surgery for babies. I'm speaking tongue in cheek, but I actually think this would help a lot of parents.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think we should do like the opposite, where I feel like some parents have to be like funny, right? And they know their baby's ugly. And they're fine with it. They know it's gonna grow out of it at some point. But I think we should have the world's ugliest baby competition.
SPEAKER_04Whoa, that's very bold.
SPEAKER_01Just break the stigma. Parents can enter their baby into the world's ugliest baby.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01They're only ugly at first.
SPEAKER_04Well Yeah. Um I'm not sure. Well, the question I have is the long-term traumatic effect of entering your baby into the ugliest baby. Well, entering and then winning. You know, Marvin.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they are gonna grow up at some point.
SPEAKER_04You were the ugliest baby, and of course that's a public thing and lasts forever on the internet. That's true. I was once voted worst dressed. Oh, yeah. And my freshman year at college, because all I wore were sweatsuits.
SPEAKER_01I love a sweatsuit.
SPEAKER_04That's what I wore every day. And I think I also wore regularly a bucket hat.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_04Like one of those golf fishermen hats. Oh, let's see. It was before dirt. It was in the 70s.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04So people were not wearing those things.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_04Those are like old band clothes.
SPEAKER_01I can picture it exactly.
SPEAKER_04And I think the sweatsuit that I wore, there wasn't any natural fabric. Like there was no natural materials. Back in the 70s, everything was made out of oil or plastic or vinyl. None of it was real.
SPEAKER_01So it was an actual sweatsuit. It made you very sweaty.
SPEAKER_04And yes, there it was no breathable, and it was uh red.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So and my hat was coming together.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's pretty wild stuff. So I didn't care about any of that. But then one day they um on my floor they had a contest, all sorts of things you could win, and you know, some things were good and some things weren't good, and mine was worse. One of the things I won. I won more than one in one category, but one of them was worse dressed. And I remember at the time thinking, why?
SPEAKER_03Really?
SPEAKER_04Like, how come? And somebody had to explain it to me. It's like, dude, you wear a red sweatsuit every day with a bucket hat. You look horrifying. You need help.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_04Um I never got the help. It's a sad story. Do you ever plan on having a baby?
SPEAKER_01I do not. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_04Now you're convinced that you don't want one. So I got two follow-up questions. Okay. First of all, what makes you say you don't want a baby?
SPEAKER_01Um I think there are a lot of reasons. Um man. Well, I just I like my free time, I like to be able to go somewhere at the drop of a hat. Babies are expensive, I would rather spend my money tra it's selfish, all selfish reasons for sure. But also I, you know, I watch a lot of true crime stuff, and I think, oh my god, if if something like that happened to my kid, like how could I ever recover from that? How could anyone ever recover from that? There's just like so many bad things that can happen to your kid, and my childhood is kind of questionable, and so I none of my siblings want kids. Jamie was a good idea. We're ending the bloodline.
SPEAKER_04Jamie was the regional mole woman.
SPEAKER_01Yes, the Indiana Mole Woman.
SPEAKER_04Um so you you have a background, I understand that, and um, I don't think it's selfish, I think it's important to know uh, you know, there's certainly a lot of people that have kids for the wrong reasons. For sure. And it doesn't, it's not a good idea, especially when they're trying to fix a bad relationship. And they think maybe bringing another human into the world, a lizard-like human, a bonefish, is gonna fix it. Um that's almost always a bad choice, not an ideal choice. So uh I think it's important to know yourself uh and how what's important to you, and then I don't think it's selfish at all. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. What would happen if you by accident had a baby?
SPEAKER_01If I woke up one morning and I just had a f fully formed humanity, I'm not sure how it would happen.
SPEAKER_04However, it would happen. What what do you think about that?
SPEAKER_01Do you what do you I do think that I would be an excellent parent. I wouldn't. I don't doubt that at all.
SPEAKER_04I think you would be too.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And I think that kid would have a wonderful life, but it's just not something I'm great with kids. Kids love me, my friends' kids love me, and uh it's just not something that I want full time. But if I were forced, if we're what is that? The handmaid's tale is kind of where we're heading as a society. And if I'm forced to have a baby, I would be a uh like a really good mom.
SPEAKER_04I don't think you get to keep the baby in that story though.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I never watched it.
SPEAKER_04I think they take the babies away, but yeah, you're like more of a baby maker, you're more of a machine a baby factory. I wanted babies, uh really was important to me. And uh we we had some bad luck initially, but we eventually were able to get a couple of babies and it was really cool. And uh you would run into parents, I would run into parents, and you know, they would say, Oh, you know, like their kids would be whatever age, or my kids would be whatever age. They say, Oh, it's such a cute age. Aren't you gonna be sorry when they grow out of it? And I go, No, I'm I want to be in for the whole ride, like whatever it turns into. And I don't want to just be stuck with them like at four years old. Yeah, you know, like I want to see something new, not the same thing over and over. And I've always felt that way, and I uh even when they like went away from home, it was like, okay, but I'm still getting watch your journey and I'm still gonna be connected. So I never felt like I wanted them to be at some age. They were all the ages were good. Totally like they were all interesting, and some were harder than others, but I mean it was all good, and we're still our relationships are still developing and evolving, you know. Uh, neither one of them will eat any ham. Well, this is very this is I think we've helped people. How you wonder? Uh I think we put a little perspective on the ugly baby thing. You know, it's no wonder that babies don't come out that great. Um, so don't worry. Uh don't make fun of your friends' babies, even if they trick you. Uh remember that we all come from bonefish and we all have a shot at turning into a beautiful ham-eating person. Yes. And uh, what was the other thing? The other thing was that uh if you're out there and you have a little scratch that you can throw our way, we're happy to uh develop this fledgling baby lipo business because we could plump out that little raisin master. Could uh but bulk out that prune, that's right, hulk out that little two-pounder into a nice 15-20-pounder Gerber face baby, and so you don't have to go through it. Like it seems to me that this is something that's just waiting to be developed. Yes. I know for a fact, I know this is a joke, but I also know there are people out there who'd be kind of in uh in for it.
SPEAKER_01Well, they make those like helmets, right, to make the baby's head perfectly shaped if their head comes out like a little dented. They have like those baby helmets though a head shaping helmet. Yeah, because their bones are like jello, right, when they're born. They got jelly bones.
SPEAKER_04They're jellyfish. Jelly bone fish.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Do you know that uh I heard recently uh that a baby emits a scent or some kind of odor to the top of their head that helps the parents not murder them.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_04Or b put another way, it helps the bonding process.
SPEAKER_01Interesting.
SPEAKER_04There are all sorts of things that they do because they need us for a while.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_04As soon as they can bust loose, they do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04They start developing their own thing. Yeah. Except the ones that don't and never leave home. Yes, there are the well, thank you, Jamie, for being here for this show. I appreciate you very much, and I think you have developed into a wonderful human.
SPEAKER_01Thank you, Ross.
SPEAKER_04And thank you, everyone, no matter what shape you may be, uh, and what stage of life you may be in. Thank you for joining us for this episode. If you like what we're doing, please share the show. Oh my gosh, that is the way to help us, and it really would help us. Our community is growing, but we want it to grow bigger. Why? Because we're crazy for power. No. But we would like to get as many people uh who you think would like the show to join us and be part of our family. You can support us uh on Instagram, you can follow us there, you can support us on Patreon, you can send us an encouraging email, you can reach out to us with an Instagram message, uh like some people do, and we will respond with pleasure and we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are plumping out that new lizard baby or just someone who likes to eat ham from a jar, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans and ham. Goodbye, everybody.