SPEAKER_02 0:00

Wait! You're reading the Kama Sutra? Yeah, I was gonna get your study guide. What did you think was gonna happen?

SPEAKER_03 0:08

And then somebody bites your ear and your whole plan goes right out the window. Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder, what and why? I'm Ross, your host, and today, my guest is the one people in my life who has openly said that they have my back. The one, the only Rob. Hello, Rob. Hey Papa Bear, how are you? Good. And welcome everyone. Friends, you can help us grow our community, and the best way to do that is to share the show any way you can with anyone you can. And at the end of the show, I'll talk about some other ways you can help us, but right now I want to get into it. So, Rob, I've got some breaking news for you. All right. Humans like to have sex. I want to know if you've ever heard the expression the mile high club. Of course I have. Okay, what's your what's your understanding of what the mile high club refers to?

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Now, this is a an activity that I don't believe that I could ever do, but this is my understanding of the mile high club. As you take off, get into your flight a little bit, uh pilot comes on and says, We're cruising at uh 300,000 feet. You take your seatbelts off.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

That's the base capsule you're in, I think.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

However high, however. And so at that point, you take your seatbelts off. Uh-oh, we got to go to the bathroom. So you and your uh partner of choice uh will uh go back there and get a little busy, a little frisky in that tiny, tiny bathroom. It's really tiny, isn't it? Yeah, and I assume you have to finish. I mean, I don't know what the rules are, but I think you have to finish, and then you are a part of the mile high club.

SPEAKER_03 2:22

Yeah, I guess for some people it's really exciting. I've never done it, but for some people, uh they really get off on that, and that's that's what they like.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

You know, when and I've talked about this before, I'm not the best flyer ever. I get a little nervous. I don't get up. Like if I have to go, I'll hold it the entire flight. Whoa. Uh and you know, but sometimes, like a like like an international flight, I look, I'm gonna have to. And every time I go into that little bathroom, I'm barely able to stand in it. Like I can't imagine doing anything frisky in there.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

Now, to be fair, you are a larger person. Thank you. And but even so, those uh no matter what size you are, those restrooms are small. And to get two people in there and also be engaged in a physical act, I it's gonna be rough. Someone's gonna come out with marks and bruises. Recently, I read about this little company out of Las Vegas, it's called Love Cloud. So, what Love Cloud is for $995, just whoa, okay. I want to be at the meeting. I want to be at the meeting where they're setting the price.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Like, we can't go a thousand. Bob, we have to pay for the fuel and the the dry cleaning on the satin sheets alone.

SPEAKER_03 3:38

Yeah, that's the thing I want to talk about. So for 995 bucks, you get 45 minutes in a plane that has a couple of mattresses stuffed in it. And and um, I'm gonna say that this plane is on the small side. I sent you a picture, Rob. You might want to take a peek at it.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

I'm eyeballing this right now. It does look like if someone shoved some like a mattress in the back of an old Chevy.

SPEAKER_03 4:10

The plane looks like a prop job to me, uh uh, which is an experience that if you haven't had it, it's pretty interesting and very much uh sort of the Buddy Holly experience.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Are these promo picks that you sent? Like, so there's one of them where you see the inside, and again, it's it's it's rather small. And then the second one, it looks like I I assume the pilot just putting out like a like a red carpet. And at first I'm like, okay, but if you look at the pilot a little more, he has this tattoo that goes down this forearm that says Margarita.

SPEAKER_03 4:45

Well, you know, that's there's a whole sort of side story on the pilot in this article. They said he's gotten into a little trouble here and there. So he he's an interesting character. But just going back to the experience, so you pay 995 bucks. You you and a partner can jump on this plane uh that has uh uh literally been crammed with a couple of mattresses, some bedspreads, and some what I think are supposed to be romantic pillows, and and they'll fly you around uh for 45 minutes. You are separated from the pilot by a curtain.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

Oh, I was wondering how they separated because I'm looking at this picture and I don't think I'll see a separation. So there's a curtain, there's a curtain just a curtain.

SPEAKER_03 5:35

The pilot, Mr. Margarita, says he uh puts on noise canceling headphones.

SPEAKER_00 5:42

I don't know that I want my pilot to have noise canceling headphones. There's that. You get a little rattle on the wing.

SPEAKER_03 5:52

But the well, I'm assuming he's listening to uh, you know, the uh the tower give him instructions on where to fly his sex plane uh for 45 minutes because he's gotta stay out of the way of planes that are just flying regular people trying to get places. We got a sex plane coming in, anyway. It is a very small prop plane, but you go into this uh space and you're separated by a curtain, and the pilot says he won't open the curtain and look at you or anything, so there's a little bit of trust there. Now, I don't feel like I'm any more of a germophobe than the next pandemic survivor. Uh but I just think this the picture I sent you of the actual bed and pillows, that's to me, that's screaming for a black light inspection. Oh, gross. No, thank you. They say they clean it after each flight, but to me, that's the worst part of it. Like small plane, curtain between me and the pilot, uh, prop job, all of that.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

It's a prop job, right? So I can't stand up, right? And then it's like I'm 45 minutes, I'm gonna feel rushed. Like, I don't know. I don't I hate it. I hate it, and I have no desire to do it.

SPEAKER_03 7:16

There's a lot of pressure, I think, you know, to make it meaningful. Now I get it. Now I really do get why some people think, hey, I need to spice things up, um, or I want to make an impression on somebody and show them, you know, that I'm really creative and thinking outside the box here, so to speak. I will say there are some uh options. Oh, let's hear about the options. So you can pay an extra hundred dollars and get a one-course meal.

SPEAKER_00 7:43

Wait, is that still in the 45 minutes?

SPEAKER_03 7:46

Like you still only get 45 minutes.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

He's gonna reach back there behind the curtain with a bag of Doritos. There you go. It's all 45 minutes. Eat quick.

SPEAKER_03 7:58

Okay, yeah. It's just $300 gets you a bottle of champagne.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

And I don't see where that would go. Like, I don't see a bar, I see a chair and a bed. Like, there's like you're holding that the entire time.

SPEAKER_03 8:11

And I'm wondering, Rob, if uh if I'm willing to pay for this, will you do it?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

I would do it uh for the sake of content. Uh I think it would be uh funny. I don't think that my spouse would do it. Well, that would be a problem. Yeah. Well, I mean, I might just go up there and be by myself. I like a little alone time. And if you could just upgrade for the meal, like the one-course meal, like and I'll just come back and tell you how they do have upgrade to a three-course meal, too, or a four-course.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

I don't know how much money that is for 45 minutes.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

I feel like a uh a site like this would have some sort of testimonials or something on it. Tell me there's some type of testimonial or something on there.

SPEAKER_03 8:58

Yeah, so Free Lima Howard, uh, age 45, is a party planner in Victorville, California. Oh, received the mile high flight as a late wedding gift from a friend, and she says, My husband and I joined the Mile High Club before, so to be able to do it privately was great, she said. It's really nice and exclusive and private.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

I'm also concerned about the size of the plane. Like, so if you get a good groove going, I just feel like you know, you don't want to rock the boat, you know, so to speak, and then you're in this plane and it's like, oh, get it some drag. Like, I just feel like I would be thinking about everything else that's happening with this plane other than what's happening inside of it.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

It just wasn't long enough, said Mr. Howard, 56. His wife agreed. Lost in the moment, the couple ended up pressed for time. I never got dressed faster in my life, she said. That's that's a testimonial. That's well, I'm just reading you from this article. Oh, okay. I also wanted to tell you uh about the pilot who's had a couple of run-ins, you know, just little regulatory issues. His license was temporarily suspended. Uh, when he operated a different company, he had a minor plane accident. Oh my god, that would be the worst. It was minor. He was the charge of reckless operation of an aircraft, served 20 days in a federal prison. But I mean, yeah, everybody makes everybody makes a mistake. This is Captain Margarita. Some people do reportedly go not to have sex, but they just go and they have a meal and it's an exciting experience.

SPEAKER_00 10:51

I mean, you so you sp you spent that much money just to have a meal on some on some silk sheets? Yeah, you don't think so.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

I think you could save a lot of money and just go to a nice restaurant, you know.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

So if someone were to gift this for for you, would you do it? No, I just wouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

Why? I my main issue is I don't want to be anywhere near those that bedding. Those pillows. How are they cleaning them? I doubt they're cleaning them the way I'd like to clean them, which was burning. If they burned everything and I got something, I got to like open it up from the packaging myself and then make my own bed. I maybe I would do it then.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

I don't think Captain Margarita would would lead you astray. I think he probably cleans it pretty well.

SPEAKER_03 11:40

How do you clean a pillow? You know those pillows get used for stuff.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

This is the worst.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

So okay. I but does he make a living off this, I wonder?

SPEAKER_03 11:53

995 bucks for 45 minutes, that's not a bad rate. But again, some people are looking for that, and some people feel like those kinds of experiences are what they need to kind of get their relationship going again, and you know, everybody struggles with that. Anyone who's been in a relationship for a while knows that things can get a little stale or a little predictable, and this kind of thing I could see where someone might think would uh spice things up. But the whole thing reminded me of something that I wanted to share with you that I have not shared with too many people. Um, it reminds me of the first time that I was gonna have sex.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Well, this reminds you, Love Cloud reminds you of the first time you're gonna have sex.

SPEAKER_03 12:39

So I had a girlfriend in high school, and we our relationship relationship had advanced to the point where we thought we were ready for sex. By the way, side note, we weren't. We thought we were like many other teenagers all over the world. Neither one of us had done it before. And the only requirement on her part was that we cannot be in a car. Okay. The problem with that is I was 16, and that was my only idea. Uh, because when you're 16, what other options do you have?

SPEAKER_00 13:16

Well, I mean, you had a billion, I mean, I I imagine someone's at home at your house all the time, right?

SPEAKER_03 13:22

Yeah, yeah, all the time. And there was nowhere to go. Everyone, someone was always there or about to be wherever you were. So you had nowhere to go. That's your only option. Go to a park.

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Go to a park.

SPEAKER_03 13:34

Yeah, I don't think she was, she didn't want to, she didn't want to do it rough. She wanted to do it like some somehow. She didn't say how or what I was gonna do. She just made it clear it's gotta be not in a car and someplace that's good and safe and all of that. But she she had no ideas and I had no ideas, but I thought about it. And then I was thought, well, you know, about a mile from my house where I lived, there was a holiday inn. So maybe I just get a hotel room. Now, I'd never, of course, done anything like that before, but I thought, well, it couldn't hurt to try. I didn't know what was involved. Fortunately, this was a long enough time ago before people cared about what kids were up to. I don't know what would happen today, but I just went down to the Holiday Inn and pretended to be a seasoned veteran of hotel life. Now you're not gonna be. Now, you know, uh, you you've known me for a while, and you know that I have uh even today, I have I look younger than I actually am. Yeah. When I was 16, I looked like I was nine. It's just there was nothing about me that suggested that I was any older than I was, and probably much younger. But I said, well, if I act like I know what I'm doing, maybe I'll get away with it. So I walk into the holiday inn on a Saturday morning, and I said, I'd like a room for the evening. And what and they and they just they didn't say anything, they just said, okay. And they they said, Do you want first or second floor? Because it was just a you know, one of these small places. Do you want first or second floor? And I just said, second floor, I prefer that. Like I just like, oh yeah, I'm really glad you asked because I do this all the time. And so so then uh they told me how much it cost, and I paid them, and it wasn't a lot. I mean, it was a lot for me, but it wasn't like it would be today. And I had the money and I paid them in cash because I didn't have any credit cards or anything. So they uh next thing I know, I'm leaving with a key, and it couldn't have been easier. I was, I couldn't believe I was like, I am really doing this, and now I go, I have a cool place, it is a holiday in, but it's the second floor and it's not a car. So I feel like checking all the boxes, but then I realized I have to get uh condoms because I didn't have it.

SPEAKER_01 16:25

Yeah, so I knew that.

SPEAKER_03 16:27

So I go, I go to a big box store called Gemco. I'm only laughing because this is like one of the first big box stores that was in our area that was ever made. Like this is way before Walmart or Target or any of these places. But it was one of these all-in-one stores, you know, where you can get everything, get a lawnmower, you get a turkey leg, you get whatever you want.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:53

They're very familiar to people today, but then it was kind of a novel thing. But they also had a pharmacy. So I go in there and I'm looking at condoms, and I noticed there's non-lubricated and lubricated. Lubricated, more expensive. Yeah, you're on a budget. Yeah, I'm on a big budget. I just blew like like a month's salary on a hotel room that I'm probably gonna use for less than 45 minutes. And uh now I'm looking at these condoms and they're expensive, and I don't know the difference. Now I can tell you after the fact that uh it's never made sense to me looking back on my thinking at the time why I would think non-lubricated would be a good idea. I've never ever once in any of my several sexual experiences ever thought to myself, gosh, I wish things were drier.

SPEAKER_00 17:48

But Mr. Frugal is like, hey, you know what? I'm already I'm already in on this hotel. I gotta I gotta make some cutbacks, you know. I gotta cut back somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 17:58

And and it really, I had no idea what the difference is. Lubricated actually at the time sounded like a bad idea. Like lubricated, what's that? There's a little tangent to the tangent. So I I pick out my non-lubricated condoms and I go to pay for them. The tangent is so this I'm talking to talk about another person. So this is not the girlfriend at the time. This was a girl that I dated before the girlfriend I was with, and her name was Carrie Stevens. And if you are listening to this, you need to know Carrie Stevens, wherever you are, I am still in love with you. Wow. Oh my God, she was the perfect person. She was so much fun. I had met her on a blind date, and we went on a lot of dates, but she was very strategic. She dated, she dated lots of guys and just kind of kept her options open and never really committed. And anytime I tried to like make it exclusive with her, she just kind of rope-a-doped a way out of it. You know, she was very clear, she wasn't deceptive anyway. She was very clear that she was just trying to have fun and she wasn't, you know, looking for a steady boyfriend. Oh, but she was so funny and fun. Just a ton of fun.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

And just where did she stand on lubricated or non-lubricated car?

SPEAKER_03 19:22

We never got that far.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Oh boy, okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:27

So, so we kind of I kind of get the message, you know, that she's she's never gonna, as much fun as she is on dates, she's never going to um have an exclusive with me. So I kind of and she didn't go to the same school, so I kind of moved on. So I'm up there and I uh I'm 16. I'm a little self-conscious about buying condoms in my neighborhood at the big box store because you know, anybody could see me and report this behavior. I mean, nobody knows I'm doing this. I haven't even told my friends. My best friends don't know what I'm up to. This is completely a secret. So I go up there, the guy sees I've picked out the non-lubricated, he doesn't make a comment, like, uh oh, or nothing. He doesn't say I'm too young to be buying condoms, which of course I'm not. And so everything's going fine, and all of a sudden I hear this Ross. Oh no. Oh no, who is it? It's it's like, oh my god, I'm busted. I cannot believe this is happening. I turn around, it's Carrie and her mom.

SPEAKER_00 20:40

Oh no, you threw. What did you do? Tell me you tossed him. You just tossed him.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

You just no, the guy, the pharmacist is like work, you know, he's doing whatever, he's weighing them. He's like, you know, he's taking his time. So he's doing his thing. So I turn around while he's doing whatever he's doing, counting each one, weighing them. I don't know, trying them on. I don't know what he's doing. So I turn around, I've got my back to him, and I'm doing the little like circus act. Like, oh, hey, how you doing? Bobo, it's great to see you, you know, and the whole time, just like, oh my God, are you kidding me right now? Like, what are you doing here? Get the hell out of here. So I do that for a bit, and then I turn back around to the guy, and he's still like, I don't know what he's doing. And I say, You got to get this into a bag right now. So he understood, he understood my predicament. I mean, obviously, he knew what was going on. So he did that for me. As far as I know, Carrie and her mom never figured out what I was doing, or at least they had the good graciousness not to say anything. So I got out of there. So, two boxes checked. I got the hotel room, then I got the big box store condoms non lubricated, and I almost got Caught, but I avoided getting caught. So I still felt like I still felt like I was doing really well. Invincible, even. I felt it's right. I felt invincible. So we we go through with it. We go to the hotel, the motel, we have our upper floor little room. We do the thing, by the way, did not need 45 minutes, didn't really even need 30 minutes. Went kind of quickly for everybody. Okay. Uh side note, non-lubricated condoms. I don't know how you put those on. I still have no idea. Those things don't go on. They don't, you know what they don't do? They don't unroll. Most of the time that we spent in this motel room was spent me with me unroll trying to unroll this thing. It was like some kind of puzzle. I remember that I did like a little bit of practice.

SPEAKER_00 22:51

Like I was just like what is smart. Well, I just wanted to be like prepared, right? And I remember I was just doing some practice with it. It's like, now how does this work? And I remember like they came when you bought a box, they came with instructions. So I remember I was just like, okay, and I'll open it up because it's one of those you try to kind of like fold open. And I was like, all right, that's me. Maybe. And uh, oh, we gotta okay, uh, you know, I remember, I just remember that. I had visions of that. But then it was like, then I was like, wait, wait, I gotta get rid of this. I can't put this, I can't put this. I'm gonna say use condom, though it wasn't, it was just try it on. Uh I gotta I gotta hide it somewhere. I can't put it in our trash cans, they're gonna find it. Like, I remember it was a big thing. Right. I had to like I had to like sneak it away, uh hide it, like to throw it away somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 23:35

You had to like put it on a chipmunk's head and tell it to run.

SPEAKER_02 23:39

Run, chipmunk, run.

SPEAKER_03 23:41

Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of, I don't know. I I assume that kids today like are so sophisticated and everything's on the table and parents know what's going on. Maybe parents are there supervising or you know, whatever they're doing. But back then, I mean, I cannot impress upon you, and I know you get this. It was, I just, this was a secret. No one could know. We get it done, so happy days. And I had pulled this whole thing off. I orchestrated this whole event with no consequences, and I felt great about that too. Okay, so two weeks go by. Oh no. Two weeks go by. I'm sitting in the kitchen at the family home, and my mother comes in and she puts an envelope in front of me, and she says, I'm sorry, I opened this thinking it was for me. And she leaves the room, says nothing. So I look at it, it's a letter from the Holiday Inn to me. I didn't think in my grand orchestration to give a fake address, which would have been easy to do back then.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Well, why are they sending you a letter?

SPEAKER_03 24:53

Yeah, here's why. Somehow they think we used the telephone, and there was a charge for a phone call back when they used to charge for things like that. So if you picked up and made a call of any kind, you got charged a rate, and it was like a dollar twelve. It was like a small amount. I can tell you that it was a small room. We were together in the room the whole time. Nobody was making calls during the short amount of time we were there. But sh but I don't know what happened. I could never explain that. But the thing was, in that moment, I realized, because my mother was a smart human, I knew that she knew exactly what had happened. She knew that I had reserved a room to holiday in. I'd gone there, and the only reason I would have gone there secretly is for sex. She never said a word about it. She dropped that envelope in front of me like she was dropping the mic and just walked out of the room. And you never brought it up to her or something. Oh, are you kidding? No, pretend it never happened. See how long I can ride this out. Yeah, no, we never talked. I never ever talked about it. I never told anybody in my family about it. And I don't know why she never said anything to me about it. But I in her way, she did say something about it. She wanted to let me know she knew what I was up to, but that was the extent of it. But it was in that moment, I felt like I just gotten uh caught, you know, robbing a bank or something. It was bad. I'm sure your first time was probably a lot smoother than all that.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Oh, it was uh, I don't know about smoother. So first of all, before we get into that, you were talking about you know always trying to find a place to you know make out or or mess around, right? It wasn't your home. Okay. So I found a perfect one in quotation marks. So we uh uh this was I don't think it was high school or something, but we were involved in church and you know they had like youth things every um every Wednesday. And so we would say that we would go there, but then we would go into the building and then hide and wait till that got started, and then we found a secluded place in the church to make out and whatever. And that in that place, yeah. No, I mean come on, it was hormones were raging. So this this location was in the the the the main what is the the the not the coliseum, but the the main place, the main sanctuary where they had sermons church and a colosseum. It wasn't a coliseum, but it was the main uh sanctuary, the place where they gave the sermons. It has a name, I can't remember it. Obviously, church uh stuck. Uh so they would have like on the and the back of it where they you know they played the the music, this there was speakers, they were own individual rooms for the speakers. And like so, like the the speaker was facing towards the congregation, but it was like a white uh film. So you could see out, but you couldn't see the speaker in, right? So the music was able to get out, but you didn't know where the speaker was, but it was in a giant room, okay? So we so you went in there and we were so it was great. Like you would we'd give like go in there and just just make out because they never had services during this time, it was just kids stuff. And so one time we were in there and we were, you know, messing around, like this was a weekly thing. This was great. I love church. They the the the little kids, the little little kids uh decided that they were they were going to uh perform songs or whatever. Okay. So now and so they they dim the lights down and we can't exit the room because if we opened the door, the light from outside in the hallway would shine through and someone would know. So we're so we decided we're just gonna hunker down in a speaker room when kids were getting ready to start singing through the speakers. And I remember we were sitting in there, and I'm like, oh my god, we gotta get out of here. How do we get out of here? She's like, I can't, I can't. You know, my dad will find it's because I got her dad, I can't remember, was doing something to the church. Oh, dad will find out. And so we sat there with like our hands over our ears. It was the worst thing, and we had to wait for these kids, and they and we're like, Oh, okay, they're done. Like, how many songs, how many Christmas songs can these kids sing? And I remember it was worse, and we never did it again. But I remember I was just like, I thought I had the jackpot of makeout places, but it turned out to be almost like a catastrophic.

SPEAKER_03 29:35

I never would have thought uh two things. I never would have thought of doing any fooling around in a church. That just never would have occurred to me as a place. No, and I also never would have thought about a church having a coliseum.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

It wasn't a coliseum, it was whatever the whatever the big room is, it's got a name. It's a big room where the the holy man lays down some sweet, sweet rhymes. Anyway, I think it was a brothel you were in. So you went to a real church. So there was, you know, a lot of pressure. Uh like you know, grow growing up in like high school, being a dude, everybody's having the sex. I mean, heck, you had the sex uh in high school, and I I didn't. I didn't. And so, but I told people I did. I mean, I was prepared. Like, I'm at home doing research with condoms and and fli and and pie charts, and you know, I'm I'm ready. I worked in a bookstore, I was reading books on it, like I was ready. Like I'm ready, you know.

SPEAKER_03 30:34

I'm ready and I'm yeah, you were you were preparing.

SPEAKER_00 30:37

I was preparing. So I get out of like I'm right out of high school and I'm dating uh a girl that was very experienced. She was very experienced, she knew what she was doing. Was she a teacher by any chance? It was not. So, you know, we're our relationship is uh progressing and it's not going as fast as she would like. And uh yeah, I know that's weird, right? Like I was being pressured uh for the sweet, sweet sex. And and so I got nervous, and I like a lot of times I was like, you know what? Uh I think I want to wait till I get married. Like I was I was starting to scare like all my prep was just out the window. Like I was like, I'm I'm just scared. We were we're driving around and it starts snowing. I'm thinking to myself, oh man, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get snowed in at her house. Like I'm like, oh, I see what this is. So we're sitting in the backseat of this car, and you know, we're we're kind of making out or whatever. We're driving around. She was a big, big fan of nine-inch nails. Like she listened to them all the time, had the posters. She's really into them. And I remember we're sitting in the back of the seat, we're making out, and then she gets really close to my ear and she she sings this line into my ear, and the line is this bow down to the one that you serve. You're gonna get what you deserve. And she bites my ear, like bites it hard. And I'm like, whoa! I'm like, oh my God. Oh my god, you know, and so wait a minute.

SPEAKER_03 32:05

Oh my god, what did you think was happening? That she was hungry?

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Well, no, I was just like, oh boy, this is gonna be this kind of thing, you know. I was like, oh my god, I was like, I don't, I don't know what I it wasn't like a wholesome holiday-in, non-lubricated affair. Like it was, I think this was gonna get dirty, and like I was like, and so then, and you know me, I got into my head, right? Like, I'm like, I am not ready for this. You didn't read that chapter. There was nothing about nine-inch nails biting ears. The book I cracked was a Kama Sutra book, so it wasn't like Wait, you're reading the Kama Sutra?

SPEAKER_02 32:40

Yeah, I was getting your study guide. Yeah, you think was gonna happen?

SPEAKER_03 32:44

And then somebody bites your ear and your whole plan goes right out the window.

SPEAKER_00 32:48

Yeah, I, you know, once my ear got bit, I was like, oh, we're not Doward Dog is not gonna be in our future.

SPEAKER_03 32:55

I just imagine you sitting in the back of this car and you bite your ear and you take this giant Kama Sutra book and throw it right out the window.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

They were giant too, like they were big white books that you saw at the store. So like people knew that you were reading them, right? And so, like, that was like I'm flipping through pages, I'm like, ow, okay, could you hold for a second? Like, I'm going to a table of content, ear, earbite, ear, something. Help me out. I mean, in her mind, she was like, okay, you know, this guy might be a little scared. I'm gonna, I'm gonna get him revved up like a chew toy.

SPEAKER_03 33:33

Yeah. Well, I mean, the cool thing is she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

SPEAKER_00 33:38

Yeah, she did. She absolutely did. And I did not live up to those expectations.

SPEAKER_03 33:43

I think in my ideal fantasy, you know, thinking about the 16-year-old kid at, you know, that I was at the time, it would have been so much better. If besides, if the conversation had gone beyond just we're not doing it in a car. If we had like talked about, okay, you know, what do uh what do we what how are we going to handle it? What are we doing for protection? And it had been more of a fun kind of like, hey, this will all be new and we'll figure it out together. That oh man, that makes my makes my heart warm just thinking about it. But that's not how I felt then. I felt like I was supposed to be an expert somehow. I don't know how. I don't know how I thought that was gonna happen.

SPEAKER_00 34:25

You know, and so you know, it's so now it's like late, it's like late in the evening, and everybody's like, well, I guess we're gonna go to bed. And I'm like, so go to bed. Let's let's watch some, you know, SNL. Like, I don't know, oh my god, this is so stupid. So we go back into the bedroom and we we then we crawl into the bed, and like, you know, she's just she's just she's uh derobing. And I'm like, oh boy, this is it. This is the thing we do. It's we start making out, and then you know, and she's like, Are you ready? And I was just like, Yep. And so, and you know, I it's just uh it it it was oval, it was over awful, awful quick. And uh I just remember like you know, because I was not that I was bragging, but I was like, you know, I've done a lot of research. Like, I told, you know, talking about reading all the books and everything. Did you say that out loud? As a joke, I like to tell jokes. I might have said, I mean, not during the I mean before, before, not during. Like, I've done some research. Are you prepared? Uh so it's it was I was just so embarrassed, and I was just like, you know, hey, just let the let the villagers rebuild the castle and we'll have another stab at it. And and the villagers did not rebuild the castle, and I was just I was just I was they were working on the Coliseum.

unknown 35:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00 35:41

And so like she was clearly disappointed. And I was and and like you could just tell on her face, which only made me feel worse. I uh I left, and then uh I I'm not even home yet, and she her roommate has left a message for me saying that uh uh she broke up with me. Well, the roommate, oh wow, so she would she was so disgusted by my my love that the roommate had to call. But I was, you know, and I oh is this so embarrassing. It's just embarrassing.

SPEAKER_03 36:13

It's not the greatest story, but you know, um that might have been for the best. It didn't sound like that was a long-term relationship for you with the biting and the oh no, that wasn't my bag uh at all. Yeah, yeah, and you learned that early. I mean, that person did you a great favor, I think. I guess. You know, you never really know uh whether you like squid until you try it. And sometimes you don't want it. You don't want it, and how what else would you know that? You're not gonna learn that in a book.

SPEAKER_00 36:48

Yeah, no. You can read what squid tastes like, you can know what sauces to use or not sauces in your case. And you know, you just never know.

SPEAKER_03 36:57

I know you've got a kid. Like, what's your plan on the talk? Are you gonna have the talk? What's it gonna be like? I mean, I gotta admit, when I'm asking this question, because I left this all when my kids were young, they're both girls, I left that up to my wife. That's one of the parenting things I don't think I did a great job on. I left that all up to their mother. But what what what's your plan? Do you have a plan?

SPEAKER_00 37:24

I feel like the right answer is like, you know what, Ross? I am a mature adult. I can handle this conversation. But what's probably what it's probably gonna be is I'm probably gonna let my wife start it. Because this is my baby girl, and it makes me just feel awkward and uncomfortable, and that's not an adult thing to say. But also, my wife, uh, she has a job where she is used to talking about these kind of issues. And not that it's an issue, but these kind of situations. And I would like her to start that conversation, but I would like to be involved because I have insight that I think I would like to share, but I don't know how far away we are from actually having this conversation. But like you said, like I just feel like kids are maturing so much quicker than they did back in the day. So I I don't know. I don't know. I'm not looking forward to it. I think it's gonna be super awkward.

SPEAKER_03 38:13

Uh, thanks for uh chatting with me on this subject, Rob. You're the only person I could think of that I could talk to about these.

SPEAKER_00 38:20

I'm glad you shared. Your story was amazing.

SPEAKER_03 38:25

Yes, there were some amazing, there were some amazing things about it. And Carrie Stevens, if you're out there, I'm serious. I'm still pining for you. No matter where you are or what you're doing, or what you've done with your life, you could be in prison right now. Just send me a note. And thank you all for joining us for this episode. If you like what we're doing, uh please help us. As I said, you can share the show. That really is the best thing you can do. But we also are on Instagram and Twitter, and we'd love for you to follow us there. And we are on Patreon and it's easy to find. There's a link in the notes, you can go right to it. We are completely independent, and uh any support you can give us is greatly appreciated. And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are experiencing bliss on a small prop plane on a germ pillow or getting busy during choir practice in a Coliseum, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody.