Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS AFTER 30?
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Jaimee joins Ross to talk about the difficulty making friends once you hit 30 and above. Tangents include: Jaimee's funeral plans; kids wearing capes; the Hansen brothers; friend poachers; "Kind of Friends"; Scrubblehumper; how kid's parents become your friends by default.
Notes:
- https://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-making-friends-as-an-adult.html?te=1&nl=the-morning&emc=edit_nn_20221001
- https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?tab=rm&ogbl#category/updates/FMfcgzGqQmSGRZjxLRpmbmfhCHZQVRpl
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
This is worse than your mother, like you're going to a new school and your mother says something like remember to say hi and smile.
SPEAKER_01Show 'em your beautiful eyes.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and then you get punched. Nobody wants to smile. Nobody likes a little kid smiling. Oh. Punch.
SPEAKER_04Wearing a cape and smiling.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, you cape wearing smile happy goon. Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder, what and why? I'm Ross, your host. And my guest for this episode is a very special person who, no matter how spectacular she is, is never too cool to make a Taco Bell run. It's Jamie.
SPEAKER_01Hi Ross.
SPEAKER_06Hi there, and welcome everyone to the show. Thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting us. If you can share the show, that helps. You can support us on Patreon, help us grow our little community. And if you go on iTunes or whatever it's called, Apple Podcasts, my I think maybe now is what it's called. And you give us a five-star sparkling review, we will read it on an upcoming show and give you full credit. So that's exciting. Please do that if you can. You can always connect with us on Instagram, or you can send us an email and we will respond. We're very responsive. All right, let's get going. You know, we know that most humans like to have some friends. Wouldn't you wouldn't you agree with that?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, a couple.
SPEAKER_06Uh at least one good friend is nice to have someone to talk to, hang with, share interests, etc. It's nice to have a buddy. Yes. You've heard about the buddy system. It's good to have a buddy. And yes, these days we can have many friends on social media in the dozens or hundreds or thousands. But even though you might spill your guts and secrets to these folks on the reg, they really aren't your friends, are they? No. They're they're not what a classic definition of a friend. They're really not that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You don't see them very often. You never see them. If you do see them, sometimes you don't even recognize them, you know, because you haven't seen them in so long. They're not the people you really hang out with.
SPEAKER_02No. I mean, some of them, sure. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Well, here I have a little test that you can do at home to determine how how many of your social media friends or followers are really your friends.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_06It's the funeral test. Let me explain this to you.
SPEAKER_02I can't wait to hear it.
SPEAKER_06Um, you you calculate the ratio of the people on social media that will attend your funeral divided by the number of friends or followers that you have on a given platform. So if you have 500 friends uh on, let's say, Facebook, okay, so then you think about well, how many of those people actually would come to my funeral? Like actually two. Okay, two, and you divide that by 500. Okay. And that gives you your funeral test ratio, which the smaller it gets, the it tells you that m a lot of those people that you spend a lot of time interacting with online really aren't your friends.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And I think most people would have a very low number unless you were famous, like a famous person. Do you have funeral plans, by the way?
SPEAKER_02Um, I have no funeral plans. They're just shoot me out of a cannon into the ocean. Well, that's a plan.
SPEAKER_06Did you write? You have to write that. I just came up with that.
SPEAKER_02I like it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's fine with me. Now, do you want to be it would be a fun funeral? Do you want does this like you're still in your body, or would you be cremated and shot in some kind of canister?
SPEAKER_02Oh, well, whatever's easier, I guess. I think it would be funnier if it was my whole body. It would well the visual would be funnier if it was me. In some elaborate ball gown or something.
SPEAKER_06Yes, a ball gown. And you flying through the air limply.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, pinwheeling. Just don't know. Oh no.
SPEAKER_06Pinwheeling. But anyway, whatever your funeral plans are, you need to write that stuff down.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Because otherwise you could be end up buried in a couple of things.
SPEAKER_02Could croak on this podcast. No one would know. Well, now they know.
SPEAKER_06We would know. We would know now. Because there would be recorded in history now. There'd be no quips. Right. I would just and I would say, so Jamie, what do you think? We would just hear someone loading a can someone running out to get a ball gown. We've got to shoot her out into the ocean. That's actually kind of a cool idea.
SPEAKER_02I like it.
SPEAKER_06I would show up to watch that.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So the test I feel like amplifies then if the the friends test on social media amplifies if they know how my funeral is going to go.
SPEAKER_06If you're going to have something spectacular, um, I think yes, you might get a few more people. But yeah, mostly the people that we call our friends will not show up for the funeral. If it's a standard funeral, which they're they're always boring.
SPEAKER_02So boring.
SPEAKER_06Almost always they're boring. Now, thank goodness, usually there's a buffet.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_06Because if there ain't no buffet, what are we what are we doing?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Okay. So back to making friends. It can be tough anytime. And at any age, but at least when we are younger, like in elementary school, you know, you're exposed to other kids, you're doing activities, all the things. You go to school with them, they're in your neighborhood. You meet a lot of random kids all over the place. So, you know.
SPEAKER_02Your parents force you to hang out with kids.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, your parents are bugging you to have friends. You know, for a lot of us, that's where we meet our friends. Here are the key factors to making a friend at any age. Proximity. They gotta be nearby.
SPEAKER_02Yep. I'm not traveling.
SPEAKER_06They uh you have to have repeated, unplanned interactions.
SPEAKER_03Hmm.
SPEAKER_06So you just see them casually.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_06Like, what are you doing? Yeah. I don't know, nothing. Want to ride bikes? Might as well.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_06Want to shoot a body out of a cannon?
SPEAKER_02Definitely.
SPEAKER_06I know somebody needs it. And a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other. So it's got to be an informal setting. You see the person a lot and you s and they they live nearby. So it's not a big deal to see them. You don't have to go through a lot of trouble. Now, the friends that have stayed with me the longest uh were all random meetups like that. Just very coincidental. And I think one of the things that happens when you get older is just there's less of that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06There's less of that because you're not doing all the things that you were doing. Um, you know, there's the people you work with, you see them. And if you have kids, then sometimes you meet um the parents of the kids that your kids hang out with. I'm gonna talk about that a little bit more in a minute. But these guys that I I, you know, have known most of my life, we just randomly met up in different ways, we got to know each other. You know, we have some similar interests, but there's just good chemistry. You know, we're all different people, but we have good chemistry and we've stayed in touch. I feel like I've always been a little more gung-ho as a friend than I think most people want. Like I go all in on it.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_06You want to do stuff and hang out and yeah, let's just let's be, let's just live together forever. I just go all in.
SPEAKER_03Okay, all right.
SPEAKER_06I had this kid I was a friend with, and mainly he was um he we mainly just went to his house and played sports and stuff, but like I I got my first like taste, like I'm 10 years old. I read something about a baseball player in the sports section that morning. I was a little sports kid. So I call him up. Hey man, did you see the front page of the sports section this morning? And I want to talk about it because we're friends. And he goes, You don't have to call me when you read stuff. So it's like, oh yeah. Okay, and I've been getting that feedback most of my life. It's kind of like, uh, can we just slow this down a little bit? You're moving way too fast. If you're calling me on the phone with Yeah, please don't ever call me on the phone, by the way. Okay.
SPEAKER_02Text or nothing.
SPEAKER_06I will not call you on the phone. I will not call you on the phone, I promise. Unless it's an emergency.
SPEAKER_02But do text me. You have good uh show recommendations. Okay.
SPEAKER_06What was your friend's situation when you were a kid? Did you have friends? Okay. Well I knew you were in a w kind of a weirdo.
SPEAKER_02Yes. I had uh kind of like two vastly different childhood friend experiences. When I was in like elementary school, I was so like painfully, like cripplingly shy.
SPEAKER_06That's right.
SPEAKER_02If anybody would talk to me, I would just immediately start crying. If the teacher called on me in class, I would just immediately start crying. I like didn't talk to anybody. So I had one friend and she was uh like a foreign exchange student from Korea. If she was ever not at school at recess, I would just like sit on the curb and like stare at the asphalt. Because I didn't have any other friends except for Hannah Kim. She was my only friend.
SPEAKER_06She was your only friend. And but when you guys would hang out though, what would you do? Both stare at the asphalt?
SPEAKER_02We would play like four square.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_02Play some four square.
SPEAKER_06Four square.
SPEAKER_02And her dad was a um taekwondo teacher. Oh. So when I'd go to her house, he would like teach us taekwondo moves. He was my brother's taekwondo instructor.
SPEAKER_06He was round kicking you. Yeah, he was buff. You just show up like a play four square, and all of a sudden you get a kick to the head by Billy Jack Jr. Okay.
SPEAKER_02So then uh middle school, right? Yeah puberty happened, and then I got cooled.
SPEAKER_06And you stopped crying.
SPEAKER_02I stopped crying. I stopped looking like uh one of the Hansen brothers, and I got popular and I had friends.
SPEAKER_06The Hanson Brothers.
SPEAKER_02Do you remember that? Um bop.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, who could forget?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I looked like the middle Hanson brother.
SPEAKER_06Wasn't that the earworm of a certain year in the 90s? Where it's just they played the heck out of that.
SPEAKER_02Me and my brother and sister just looked like the Hanson brothers. We were very ugly, ugly children.
SPEAKER_06I don't know if I describe him as ugly.
SPEAKER_02The the youngest one of the Hansen brothers.
SPEAKER_06You don't want to aspire to that. I get it. I thought the youngest kid in that group gave I don't know why he gives me the creeps.
SPEAKER_02I'm sure now he's I thought the oldest one was kind of like serial killer vibes.
SPEAKER_06I think the older brother in a kid group is always a weirdo. Remember the Jacksons and uh Marlin or Tito or whoever that really giant guy was? It was like, when were you born? You're not a kid. Like you have a beard.
SPEAKER_02You have a mustache. Yeah, like get out of here. Gee, hit it, Gramps.
SPEAKER_06Get out of here. Are you following Black Pink now? Are you into Black Pink?
SPEAKER_02Black pink. I don't know what that is. I've never heard these words.
SPEAKER_06I cannot believe it. You gotta get down with you know BTS.
SPEAKER_02That's the Korean band, yeah. Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_06So there's Black Pink is an all-female, same kind of poppy group. Okay. K-pop.
SPEAKER_03K-pop.
SPEAKER_06Although I don't know if they like calling it K-pop, but that's what we call it. I don't know what's appropriate. But yeah, Black Pink. Gotta check it out. You gotta check it out. Once you get on that, you won't get off of it.
SPEAKER_02Play that while I'm getting shot out of my cannon.
SPEAKER_06Now, see, now we're talking, but again, you gotta write this stuff down. And did so, did you have a lot of friends?
SPEAKER_02I had a lot of friends.
SPEAKER_06So you were very popular. Did you have a best friend? Yeah, you were so cool. You were very popular.
SPEAKER_02You were so popular. Um uh yeah, I did have a best friend. I had two best friends that we were like we we were the rad Tad Trio, is what we should.
SPEAKER_06You had a name.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we had rings and everything.
SPEAKER_06You had rings. We had rings. Were you superheroes?
SPEAKER_02Where were you?
SPEAKER_06Did you wear capes? I like a kid in a cape.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I think you put a cape on a kid and you're gonna change their life. Definitely. Uh did you stay friends with any of these characters?
SPEAKER_02Uh well.
SPEAKER_06Are you friends with any of your old friends now?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You are.
SPEAKER_02Well, I yes, but I lived in Utah at the time, right? So all my like really good core group of friends in Utah um still live there.
SPEAKER_06Because as we all know, Utah is fenced in.
SPEAKER_02Fenced in. You can't you it I don't know how I escaped. So now I guess we're kind of social media friends more so, but we do comment on each other's social media stuff and interact with each other.
SPEAKER_06But do you actually see any of your old school chums face to face anymore? Like in real life in the flesh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_02My friend Cody still lives in Utah, and every time I go uh home I I see him.
SPEAKER_06I came up with this little rating chart for friends. I didn't bring it to the studio this morning. We're in Portland Underground Studio.
SPEAKER_02Great place.
SPEAKER_06It's a great place to be. If you're ever here and you want to be on the podcast, just let us know. If you're here from a faraway place, if you're here from five miles from here, that's a different if you live next door to Portland Underground Studio, just let us know. We'll put you on the podcast. Yeah, let us know. But if you're especially if you're coming from Australia, yeah. That's pretty far away.
SPEAKER_02It's pretty far.
SPEAKER_06Or Japan.
SPEAKER_02And just a fun accent.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, if you have a fun accent.
SPEAKER_02We want you.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Even if you've got nothing to say, even if you're just gonna sit there and cry every time we ask you a question.
SPEAKER_02If you're crying in an accent.
SPEAKER_06If you come in a ball gown and you'll let us shoot you out of a cannon, we'll give you the podcast.
SPEAKER_02You can have it.
SPEAKER_06I was hearing the other day, talk this is very random, but I was hearing about, you know, there's some successful podcasters and they sell their show to Spotify. Oh. So, you know, and then and then Spotify owns it, and anything can happen. And what apparently, and I don't really know the show, but I was hearing people discuss there was this one show that was pretty popular. They got bought by Spotify, they were very excited because they're like, oh wow, we're monetized. And then Spotify fired all the cast and put in people they thought would get better ratings. So then there's nothing they could do about it because they sold the show. It's like, wow. So that moment of glee.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06So I guess it's good that no one's ever going to buy this show.
SPEAKER_02No one wants it. No one wants us.
SPEAKER_06You're around 30, let's say.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, let's go with that.
SPEAKER_06Let's call it let's call it around 30. It's true, it's true. You're around it. You're more around it than I am. So as you ease into your late 20s and 30s, your opportunities to meet friends decrease. You know, you move around for work. Sometimes you have family or significant others. I mean, how many real friends do you actually have right now, would you say? Two. In town. Two. You already knew it so fast. Like two. Two. Wow.
SPEAKER_02Like non-uh like biological like sibling friends.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, not counting family. Although in the end, that's only people who probably can stand you. Uh but I was saying I made this friend chart, which I forgot to bring into the studio. I think it was a fun dimension. Okay. And a frequency dimension. Yes. And I was glad to see that most of the people that I actually hang out with were in the the fun and uh fun the fun quadrant, but they differed in terms of how frequently I see them. Okay. And I put you in on that list on the fun and relatively frequent. Because I do see. I just got promoted. You got promoted.
SPEAKER_02But it was only because Well, I was thinking about it while you were talking. I was like, you know what? I probably see Ross more than I see most people in my life.
SPEAKER_06And yet you still didn't count me. As you were thinking it, I probably see him more, but do I really think of him as a friend now?
SPEAKER_02No, I do. I say my friend Ross.
SPEAKER_06My friends. I do. I call you my friend Ross. In your contract. So when you're uh older and you're starting a new job, you're moving to a new city, or you're returning to in-person work after being sequestered in your home quarters for two years or whatever, or you just got divorced and now you're like, uh-oh.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And according to some articles I read about this topic, they say an internal alarm clock goes off when you hit around 30, and you realize you're dead, gonna be dead soon. So you spend less time on finding new friends and more time on whatever doing whatever your thing is, whether that's working or just being with family. You don't have as much time or don't use as much of your time and energy to invest in discovering meeting new people. You go to less cocktail parties. You just want to spend time at home doing home stuff with your person or people at home in your s with in your sweats, yeah. Or ball gown.
SPEAKER_02Or my ball gown. Depends on how I'm feeling.
SPEAKER_06Get the cannon ready. She's in the ball gown. Oh no, it's just a bathrobe, forget it. Keep keep it ready though. At any minute. So, you know, I don't know about this alarm clock thing. Yeah. I think that's just not true. But I do think when you hit your 30s, I call it go time. It's like you usually are going for your a job or jobs, and you're going for family or some kind of relationship by then. You're you're I wouldn't say it's necessarily settling down, but you're just more can be more focused, you know, like okay. I can't.
SPEAKER_02You kind of hit your stride a little bit in life. You're doing your thing and you keep doing your thing.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I mean, it gets to a point where if you're too unfocused and you start getting in your late 30s, people just feel sorry for you. Yeah. You're not cool anymore. You're just like, oh. You ever see some of these older cats who like haven't let go of their their teenage years and they just like old wearing leather? Yeah. And it's just like, I just feel sad. It's like, I'm so sad. If I could give you a hug right now and not get leather burns, I might do it. So um, anyway, so whatever it is, it's harder to meet people. And I think if you're in a relationship and you start getting older, it just harder to meet people because you just don't have that hang time because you're supposed to be doing relationship stuff. Yeah. And you know, you don't realize as you're plodding along in your 30s and you're doing significant other, you're doing work stuff, you're doing family stuff. You may think you have friends, but really you're not really tending to your friends. And by the time you realize that you haven't really been in touch, it's sometimes it's too late.
SPEAKER_03Too late. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06They've kind of moved on. And that happens like in a divorce where you're suddenly alone and you have all this free time. So you're like, oh, I'll just I'll call up old uh Captain Jimmy, yeah, and we'll just go down and have a beer like the old days, and you call Captain Jimmy, and he's like, He's got two kids. I'm in a ball gown and I'm getting into a cannon right now. I cannot do this. Yeah, but you know, Jimmy's moved on. Captain Jimmy's he's got a new boat, he's doing a different thing. Yep. Um, so that can be a little startling, and that's when you really need a friend, is when you've gotten a divorce because now nobody likes you anymore. And that's always a weird situation, like which friends stay with you after and I've been divorced twice, and I can guarantee you that happens. Yeah. You get you some people pick you and some people reject you.
SPEAKER_02Like sometimes it's kind of wild to see which ones don't pick you, and you're like, huh, man, I thought for sure. Specially would be team me.
SPEAKER_06They started being your friend. Like the only reason they knew your partner is because of you and they're going with them. Yeah. It's like, come on, where's your loyalty?
SPEAKER_02Although, to be fair, that's how I got my best friend, my one of two friends. Three. My one of three friends.
SPEAKER_06I I know I'm on the cusp. It's like it's it gets like it's like the needle moves in and out depending on the moment. Okay, it's okay. I'm happy to be on the cusp. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I met her through my ex.
SPEAKER_06Oh.
SPEAKER_02And then they don't talk at all anymore.
SPEAKER_06That's interesting, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, but that does happen. I also uh I uh this is sort of unrelated, but I have a sister that lives in town and she's always poaching my friends.
SPEAKER_03Oh.
SPEAKER_06She'll poach 'em.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Like all of a sudden they think, Oh, I went to lunch with your sister. I'm like, what's going on? What? You're my friend.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And then she just like starts drawing, you know, taking them away from me like a vampire. Like they put their armor on and come with me. Yeah. I'll show you eternity. It's like, what is going on? Stop. Get your own friends.
SPEAKER_02Get your own damn friends. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Stop gravy training off my cohort. So, um, what am I talking about? So who knows? The other thing is, I think, and people have written about this, is when you get into your 30s, you start becoming a little pickier about who you hang with.
SPEAKER_02Definitely.
SPEAKER_06It's no longer like who's wearing flannel, that's good enough.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Who's got beer money? Yeah. That's that sounds right to me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I was picky as a little kid. I remember one time, so I uh arranged to meet one of my friends.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You know, we'll meet here in this place. Yeah, I'm like seven years old, but you know, you used to be able to run around loose. So we meet, and he shows up with some other kid that had not been pre-cleared.
SPEAKER_02You're like, no.
SPEAKER_06And I'm looking this kid over, and uh he's like, come on, we're gonna do something. I'm looking this kid over, and I don't like the cut of his jib. And I say, you know what, I don't think so. No, hard pass. And I leave them to do whatever they do. I mean, I felt justified. Yeah. This had not been run by me. No, this interloper. Yeah. And I did not like the looks of the kid.
SPEAKER_02I don't want some random.
SPEAKER_06I'm gonna say, beware about this thing I mentioned early that when you hit your 30s, and if you happen to have kids, which you do not, but you have dogs, it can happen with dogs too.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_06All of a sudden, your friends are the people who are the parents or caretakers of the little punks that your kids are hanging out with at the park or at school or whatever. Suddenly those are the people you're socializing with.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06This is very common.
SPEAKER_02Yep. We don't get invited to anything anymore because all of Jordan's friends have my boyfriend's friends have kids.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, if you're if you don't have to be.
SPEAKER_02We're not the kids' people, and we're never gonna be the kids' people, so we're never gonna see those friends again.
SPEAKER_06The the the kiss of death on a lot of these things is you don't have kids or you're single. Yeah. Everybody's nervous. I feel like everybody gets nervous when there's that one single person because they're a threat.
SPEAKER_03Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_06No matter how much they got the UGS going on, you're they're single, they're a threat, and your partner at any moment could fall for them. You don't know what they're gonna do. Yeah, so and it's awkward, like nobody knows what to do with it.
SPEAKER_02All the time, uh-huh.
SPEAKER_06All the time. Nobody knows what to do with you.
SPEAKER_02It was fine in your early 20s, but oh, yeah, everybody, yeah, it didn't matter.
SPEAKER_05But now it's kind of like one of these things is not like the other. One of these things doesn't belong.
SPEAKER_06So you get stuck with these uh parents of these kids that are friends with your kids. This happened to me. And for several years I was caught in the this hellish vortex of hanging out with adults that I did not ever choose.
SPEAKER_02Just because they had kids.
SPEAKER_06Just because they had kids that played with my kids in a park.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06There was any number. I would say there were four to five couples that we would get together with regularly, and I did not like them.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I never would have hung out with them, but there I was for years. These are my friends. Oh, we're going over to the Gleasons house to have paella.
SPEAKER_02I don't even like paella.
SPEAKER_06And the Finkelsteins will be there, and the mulberries, and the Scrubble Humpers. It's not a name. Scrubble Humper.
SPEAKER_02I hope that's not the hell is that? I like it.
SPEAKER_06Master Scrubble Humper. So uh it's kind of a cool name, actually.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I like it.
SPEAKER_06It's not bad. There's nothing bad about it.
SPEAKER_02I picture him being like the single dad of the group. He has a kid, but not a oh Scrubble Humper?
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Old man Scrubble Humper has he's got an offspring that nobody wanted, so he stuck with it. So I spent time with these people, and uh, they just were not I mean, there was nothing wrong with them except that I just had nothing in common with them. Yeah, like nothing. Constantly experiencing the dissonance associated with hanging out with people that you don't really like. On my graph, they would have been way too frequent and not fun.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's that's not what you want to do.
SPEAKER_03That's not what you want.
SPEAKER_06Um, but it helped me realize I need to move, and I did. Um, but I recommend very strongly if you're in your early 30s and this is happening to you, resist this weird arranged marriage of friends. Do not do it. It's fine that your kids play with other kids. Good. That doesn't mean you have to hang out with their parents. So I was reading about this one person in London who's a 32-year-old strategy consultant, and she's made a hundred-point scale, which a hundred is best friend forever. Oh, and and she knocks off points every time one of her friend candidates does something she doesn't like.
SPEAKER_02Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_06If they are disloyal or they're annoying.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_06Then she says most of her new friends end up somewhere between 30 to 60 on a scale of 100.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_06So not really friends after all.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And I know that she was kind of trying to be funny, but you know, I think it actually kind of makes sense. She says, you meet someone really nice, but if they don't return a call, drop them the 90 right away.
SPEAKER_02No, I'm dropped immediately. I'm not answering that phone call.
SPEAKER_06If they don't return two calls, that's an immediate 50. Oh, okay. If they're late to something in the first month, that's 10 off.
SPEAKER_02Well, I'm never late.
SPEAKER_06She says people can move up the scale with nice behavior, though. But the idea is like prison rules here. Strict, rigid. Well, I think it's a I think the uh basic idea though is to constantly evaluate these people you're hanging out with. Because a lot of times you find yourself hanging out with people and you're not really having that much fun. It's just sort of they're like placeholders for your life.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_06You know, when your life's gonna get started, I'll do these people for now. And then some people, as they get older, they compartmentalize their friends. So you don't really have an actual hang friend that's good for anything. You have a cocktail friend. Oh, yeah. Marvin likes to get tanked. Yeah. I'll call Marvin or a book friend. I don't know what that would be. Book friends.
SPEAKER_02Where you read the same books. Yeah. I don't know.
SPEAKER_06I never did that with anybody. No. Maybe I should.
SPEAKER_02It takes me like two years to read a book. I read like one page at night and then I fall asleep. Don't put me in your book club.
SPEAKER_06Years later, she's still on that first book. I can't wait to discuss this book.
SPEAKER_02I just finished the first Harry Potter.
SPEAKER_06What are you doing in 2030? I'm on chapter six. It's a page turner. So they have these compartmentalized friends like a sports friend or a neighbor friend or a workout friend, but they're not like there's no one person that you can just call your friend and do anything with.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_06And then apparently what happens to people is that no matter how many friends you do make, there's this sense of fatalism that all you're gonna have is something called KOF's kind of friends. They're kind of your friends. Kind of. Do you have any kind of friends? Maybe I would be in that category.
SPEAKER_02No. Bestie. Bestie.
SPEAKER_06I always think of you after I think of my two friends. Then you're very the very next person that I think of including, but normally don't. So you're right there. You're so close. You're on the bench, but you're on the front part of the bench. The bench is in a different room. There's ankle bracelets, but you are on that bench, sir. I'm sorry. I'm um I'm wallowing. Let me go back to you. So you don't have any kind of friends?
SPEAKER_02I feel like I do have some kind of friends. Definitely have some kind of friends.
SPEAKER_06Some kind of friends. And I have a lot of friends. I have a lot of these situational friends. And I have friends that will disappear on me. Yeah. They will ghost me out because their life, they're in this mode. Like they're doing their life. And every once in a while they pick their head up from the grindstone and they're like, Oh yeah, I'm gonna send Rosa text. What are you doing? Yeah. And uh it's like, yeah, well, uh looking for you, mainly.
SPEAKER_02Where did you ghost some friends past?
SPEAKER_06So there's all kinds of tips of how you can make friends in your 30s and 40s or any age. I I I wasn't crazy about any of them. No. Well, let me tell you what some of the ideas are, and maybe you can tell me what's wrong with these ideas. You can join a book club. I know that's not happening. Nope. Sports leagues, also no, gaming groups, adult education classes.
SPEAKER_02Like what?
SPEAKER_06Like what?
SPEAKER_02Like what?
SPEAKER_06I don't know. It could be anything. Canon making, cannon firing.
SPEAKER_02Ballgown sewing? Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_06There's friendship apps where you just find friends.
SPEAKER_02Okay. I tried one of those when I first moved here. Yeah. When I first moved to Portland because I like didn't know anybody and I hated every second of it and I deleted it. I was like, no, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_06I think everybody's sick of the apps. The apps need to be all burned out.
SPEAKER_02I just assume everyone's like a serial killer trying to.
SPEAKER_06Everyone is a serial killer. Everyone is a serial killer. We're all serial killers. Parenting groups. We I've already said that can be a nightmare. Senior centers. Well, yeah. Depending on who you are. It's a captive audience. They're always gonna be there.
SPEAKER_02Yes. But you know, and then a new 90-year-old bestie.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I mean, people do stuff like that, and it's cool, but at the other on the Me and Gertrude going on us. Not for everybody, yeah. We're we're gonna go on a trip and look for soup.
SPEAKER_02I do like soup.
SPEAKER_06Uh churches, spiritual groups. So here's my problem.
SPEAKER_02And and and all of these ideas are terrible.
SPEAKER_06If you go online, you just see some variation of go out and do something.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And it's to me, it it sort of conflicts with the basic premise of the problem. The problem is you don't have any time.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You don't have time to to have a new friend.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_06You're doing job, you're doing partnering, you're doing family, you don't have enough time to join a book group or a sports league. I mean, when I was in my 30s, I would work and I would do family. And uh after that, I'm wiped after that. I got no time to oh, that's I'm going over to the senior center and make help people. Why would I be talking like that when I was 30 though? That that doesn't make sense.
SPEAKER_02Maybe you're trying to blend in.
SPEAKER_06I was trying to blend. I was trying to blend in. So uh there's a place though you could shoot a lot of those seniors at a at a at a facility. Shoot those bastards into the ocean. And you know what? They're close enough to death.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I mean they would love it. I mean, you could take their pulse first, but a lot of them are just pretty sedentary.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Does that sound wrong?
SPEAKER_06Is it wrong to shoot people in a canon without telling them ahead of time?
SPEAKER_02Is it so wrong? Yeah, I've had a weird thing happen to me recently where uh new people want to hang out with me.
SPEAKER_06Oh, that's cool.
SPEAKER_02It is. It's nice, it's flattering, you know. But uh I don't want to do it. Yeah, I mean I love being home.
SPEAKER_06I mean, I think that's part of the thing, is like people like especially if you're single and looking for friends. Yeah. It's like a lot of the people in that age group are gonna be in a family situation or or doing something, some kind of partnering, and it's like they just don't have the time. Right. That's the problem. It would be that's what you don't have the time.
SPEAKER_02You know, I don't want to.
SPEAKER_06That's the problem with I thought all those suggestions is like presumes that you have the time that you don't have.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06You don't have time to do that.
SPEAKER_02When I'm done working, I just want to go home.
SPEAKER_06Right.
SPEAKER_02Be in my sweats with my little gremlin dogs.
SPEAKER_06Get you get your drink on. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Have a wine, watch a scary movie.
SPEAKER_06Have a wine.
SPEAKER_02Have a wine.
SPEAKER_06Both kinds. Um another article said, look for friends who are available to interact and spend time with others. Yeah, no kidding. Yeah, I guess where are these people?
SPEAKER_02I guess that was my problem. Yeah. They want to hang out with me, but I just don't want to do it.
SPEAKER_06Remember that some people may be too busy to invest in a new relationship right now. Well, yeah. So, how is that helpful? Here's another thing I didn't think was helpful. Start out by seeking out people like yourself. Where oh, okay, where do you where do you find those people? There's no one like me. Is there like a Kmart for Ross's? Where do I go? Is there a Ross Mart? There's Ross dressed for less. Yeah. But I never found anyone there that was like me. So you're supposed to look for look for people with similar backgrounds and viewpoints. They tend to get along best. This is such bad advice.
SPEAKER_02Like too obvious.
SPEAKER_06This is worse than your mother, like you're going to a new school and your mother says something like, remember to say hi and smile.
SPEAKER_01Show them your beautiful eyes.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and then you get punched. Nobody wants you smiling. Nobody likes a little kid smiling. Oh. Punch.
SPEAKER_04Wearing a cape and smiling.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, you cape wearing smile happy goon. Exactly. Punch that cape wearing goon. We're the only ones that think that's funny. That's the only problem right now. Um, everybody else is anyone else, anyone else listening to this point is going like, Wow, this is an independent podcast for sure. This has definitely not been purchased by Spotify. Um, here's another just another just common sense thing. Initiate conversations to get to know people and find out if they would make good friends for you. This is like, why is this being written down? Yeah. You do this by smiling, greeting them, and asking their name. Punch City.
SPEAKER_02You mean talk to somebody to make a new friend? Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_06You're on the you're on the public transportation, so smile at somebody with a hook for a hand, greet them. Hey there, hooky.
SPEAKER_02No, we're in downtown Portland. I don't want to get stabbed, thanks.
SPEAKER_06Right. Gradually No eye contact. This is the last oh wait, there's more. Oh when you're having a com so now you're in a conversation with this new person that you don't know. Okay. You show interest in them. This is just as important in friendships as it is in dating. Ask questions and follow up on their answers to learn more. Gradually share information about yourself as you feel comfortable.
SPEAKER_02This is just a list of how to have a conversation.
SPEAKER_06I just felt like it was completely useful. Everything I read, every time I turned to a new article, it was more, it was just the same kind of stuff, which is hey, say hi to people and listen to them.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Find people that are that you that like you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, thank you. Captain Obvious.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, it's like, okay, point me in a direction, you know, like no. There are uh people who claim to be experts on this who say that we tend to underestimate others' esteem for us. So we we don't realize that people might like us as much as they initially do. So we un we don't really we don't really take advantage of situations because we just assume that they don't like us or don't like us as much as they do. And we don't show them that we're we actually like them as well as we should. When someone thinks you like them, they like you back. Okay because they go, well, this person likes me, so I like the fact that they like me, so I must like them. So we must have something in common. Oh, I know what it is. It's the liking of me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06The liking of me is something we share. It's an activity we can do together. Let's make this about me. So, uh, but that's actually a thing.
SPEAKER_02I did actually when I first met my best friend, I the very first time I met her, I thought that she really didn't like me. Because I was kind of like crying. I was crying. I was dating this guy that was like kind of like a bro at the time.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Which was a mistake. But um, she's like tattooed like from the neck down. There's like no real estate that's not tattooed, and I just thought she was like so cool, and I just assumed that she didn't like me from the jump. Right. And now we've been best friends for 14 years.
SPEAKER_06I like those surprise friends. I've also noticed throughout my life that people that I initially don't like for some superficial reason I end up becoming good friends with.
SPEAKER_02Even if they seemingly are dead initially, once you find like that common ground and you can connect with them, like I always end up liking it.
SPEAKER_06And that's the that's the key to all this, I think, is that you need to have that time, those repeated interactions that are unplanned and not necessarily focused on an activity. Because that's when you get into those casual conversations and you start then realizing some overlap in your interests. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Like, what do I have in common with this person?
SPEAKER_06So if you that's the thing, you have to have the time, and those interactions have to be pretty frequent, I think, and they have to be pretty just spontaneous as opposed to let's go to the book club and talk about this book that I haven't finished reading. Yeah, so it's tough. I mean, it is tough making friends as you get older. And I think most people in their 30s and 40s are like, I don't have time, so I'm not worried about it. Yeah. Like right now, I'm doing exactly what I want to do.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_06And I think as you get past when the kids start getting old enough where they lose, they start becoming less dependent on you, and then you start finding yourself with more time. And then when you have that time, then it starts making sense to like venture out again and find out what's out there, which I can tell you is nothing.
SPEAKER_02Nothing.
SPEAKER_06No, it's tumbleweeds and empty coffee cups and cigarette butts. That's what's out there. Stay at home.
SPEAKER_02Stay home in your sweats.
SPEAKER_06Just stay home in your sweats, put a with your wines. Put on a cape. But that's it. That's all I would recommend. Well, good luck to all of you that are searching for friends. And if you need to feel like if you're really in a bad situation, you don't have any time, we will be your friend.
SPEAKER_02Message us.
SPEAKER_06Message us, and we will immediately become your friend. There are people who send us messages and we become their friends. We don't even have any kind of entry exam. There's no barrier to entry to being a friend of the phone.
SPEAKER_02No, I only have three friends. I've got all the time to respond to your messages.
SPEAKER_06So thank you very much, Jamie, for talking about friends and for possibly including me in your friend circle. And thanks everyone for joining us. If you like what we're doing, we'd sure love your help. You can support the show on Instagram, you can connect with us any way that you can. And you can share the show any way you can. That's the best way to help us. You can also support us on Patreon because we are independent. We have no sponsors at this point. And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are just sitting around calculating your funeral ratio, or just someone getting in a ball gown ready to be shot into the ocean, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody.