Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
PET PEEVES ANYONE?
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Jaimee and Ross discover that they have too many pet peeves. Tangents include: ear pillows; snack holes; chat bots; sidewalk etiquette; how to get a free coffee maker; banana sounds; bad drivers; Grim Reaper; train wreck chewing; cranky old man baby.
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
Later.
SPEAKER_00A snack hole. Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder and why. I'm Ross, your host, and today's guest is a special, delightful, magnetic human, and someone who is on the very brink of calling me a friend. It's Jamie. Hi, welcome. And also welcome to all of you. Thanks for being here. Please share the show, etc., etc. Let's get started. One thing we know, Jamie, about humans. Things bug us.
SPEAKER_02So many things.
SPEAKER_00People, noises, behaviors, and these are often referred to as pet peeves.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00Pet peeves. A peeve is an annoyance. You find it hard to ignore. Yeah. Pet though. It means it's like your special peeve. Your special annoyance, like it's a particular one.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00And I think everyone's entitled to one or two.
SPEAKER_02Or more. Many, many more.
SPEAKER_00I think if you have more than one or two, it maybe just maybe might mean you are a cranky old man.
SPEAKER_02Oh no.
SPEAKER_00At least in spirit.
SPEAKER_02Yes, I am. That's true.
SPEAKER_00But bef right as we were getting started, you mentioned something, and I can't tell this is a pet peeve of mine or not, because I just heard about it for the first time. An ear pillow.
unknownWhat the hell?
SPEAKER_00What the hell is an ear pillow?
SPEAKER_02It's a pill it's a pillow with a hole in the middle so that your ears don't fall asleep at night. My ears hurt when I sleep on my side.
SPEAKER_00I don't so wait, it's a regular pillow.
SPEAKER_02It's a regular pillow.
SPEAKER_00With a hole in it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so when people come into my bedroom, they think that I'm into some weird, weird things.
SPEAKER_00I don't even know what that would be.
SPEAKER_02But it's just a pillow with a hole in the middle, and you sleep on your side, you put your your ear in the hole.
SPEAKER_00So your ear doesn't. There's an ear hole.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00There's an ear hole in it. In your pillow.
SPEAKER_02In my pillow.
SPEAKER_00It's not a sex pillow.
SPEAKER_02It's not a sex pillow, but you'd think that walking in. I got my ear pillow, I got my knee pillow, I got my weighted blanket.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Yeah. You got a hole. I got an arsenal. I had never heard of an ear pillow. I've never heard of an ear falling asleep. That's never happened. Your ear falls asleep, and then what you can't.
SPEAKER_02I thought I was alone, and I thought to myself, you're alone. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00There's nobody.
SPEAKER_02I thought, wouldn't it be great if there was a pillow that had a hole in the middle and I thought, surely this doesn't exist. I'm alone. I'm a very strange person, but I looked on Amazon and there was impact. Well, because Amazon, yeah.
SPEAKER_00But everything's on Amazon.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00If you're out there and you have used an ear pillow or know what it is, or have seen one, please send me a quick message on Instagram.
SPEAKER_02Or if you are in need of an ear pillow, send us a message on Instagram and I'll send you the link.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I thought you were gonna you're gonna send them a used ear pillow, because that's gross.
SPEAKER_02If you want to buy my used ear pillow, it's gonna go for a quick cost. Start the bidding.
SPEAKER_00Uh used ear pillows. You can find those on Amazon. Get them on Etsy.
SPEAKER_02I don't want to know what you're gonna use it for, but Ooh, ooh.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Wow. I'm all I think I got another peeve. So I was reading about the most common pet peeves, the most common annoyances. I mean, there are just like so many. I was like, this is too much. It has to be a pet peeve, not just anything. Yeah. Not just anything that bugs you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So something that makes you like have a visceral reaction.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's like it really gets you. Like you don't have a middle gear, you go from you're normal, you're chill, to I'm gonna kill somebody. Yes. That's a pet peeve. Like, I can't stand it. Yeah. So that's what I think of as a pet peeve. Because on the internet you see all these articles and they list every single thing in the world. Sure. And like, yeah, okay, we we bug each other. But what are the things that really bug you? Here are the top ones. Um see if any of these apply to you. The top ones are chewing sounds.
SPEAKER_02Yes. I was gonna say that is mine, and I like I can't describe like how angry it makes me internally when I can hear people chewing. So for example, our Portland the other day had like this crazy windstorm. Super windy. We lost our internet, we didn't have internet for like 24 hours. Now, when me and my partner eat, I have to turn on sound. I have to turn on like the TV for background noise, have like a movie going or something, because I will lose my absolute mind if I can hear him chewing.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_02And he do be chewing.
SPEAKER_00Is he a open-mouth chewer?
SPEAKER_02No, not an open-mouth chewer, but somehow it's the loudest chewing I've ever heard in my life.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So we lost our internet, we couldn't like stream anything, we couldn't watch like movies or whatever. So I when we ate dinner, I made him turn on his video game at full volume.
SPEAKER_00Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_02So that I didn't have to hear him eating his dinner.
SPEAKER_00That's a great example of a peeve, a pet peeve. Because that is, yeah, that's an annoyance that you can't ignore.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_00It's funny. I so I grew up with a lot of kids in my family, and there were a couple people who were really like the chewing thing was definitely a thing.
SPEAKER_02One of my best friends, he he chews with his mouth open, and it's like the loudest chewing I've ever heard. And I don't know how he's married because who could be married to that? It's absurd.
SPEAKER_00I love him, but it's if you're over seven years old, no more train wreck.
SPEAKER_02No more. You can't do it anymore.
SPEAKER_00Close your mouth, chew your food, don't talk when you're with your mouth full. That was another thing that some people in my family really hated. By the way, have you ever filled your ear pillow hole with some gummies or something? Little gummy bears or uh or uh maybe some small um little cookies or something so at night you can have a little snack for later. Because I think of it as more of like a a snack hole. Shut your snack hole. Anyway, uh here's another one. Repetitive tapping.
SPEAKER_01Who does this?
SPEAKER_00So I don't I've never I don't know if that bothers me as well. I've never seen anybody doing repetitive tapping.
SPEAKER_02Like clicking a pen a bunch of times.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's a separate one, but I guess that we'll just include that. Similar pen clickers, yeah. But that that doesn't that doesn't bug me. There's all these phone-related ones, you know, the modern texting during a meal and taking calls.
SPEAKER_02Just being on your phone while you're instead of being present.
SPEAKER_00But I feel like again, that's not a peeve, that's just behavior that's to me. That seems different.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Where it's annoying because it's rude, but it's not something where you're like with the chewing where you're like, I'm yeah, yeah. Now, I will say, I do have a pet, by the way, my concern is that I'm a cranky old man because I have so many.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I have way too many. I have to really look at myself.
SPEAKER_02We're cranky old men, Ross.
SPEAKER_00Uh yes, we are cranky old men. Yep. 50% of us have ear pillows. That's what we've learned so far. Snack hole. God, I love that. And then explaining that to a new bed partner.
SPEAKER_02This is my snack hole slash ear pillows.
SPEAKER_00That's my snack hole. It's not weird. I'm not doing anything weird with it. I just have some little gummy bears in there. I need some sustenance, if you know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. Here's one phone thing that does bug me. Okay. Happens a lot at the airports. This is where I notice it most frequently. So when I go to the airport, and I, of course, you're there early, you have to wait however long to get finally get on the plane. I don't wait with everybody. I like to, if there's a like an empty space like across the hall or something where you can see if you're flight sporting, but you're not with everybody, then there's usually more space. Okay. So I'll find some place where there's space. And if I have to wait five gates away, I'll wait five gates away and just kind of watch. You know, and if people start getting up, then I know it's time. So in those situations, you know, people at the airport, they talk on their phones.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And some people, when they talk on the phone, they walk around. You ever seen this behavior? Yeah. Are you a phone walker?
SPEAKER_02I'm not a phone walker, but I've seen these people.
SPEAKER_00They walk around almost unconsciously. So it's not just that, but it's the combination of the walk around person with the loud talking person. So they're talking very loudly on their phone and they walk all around. And so I'm there trying to get my little quiet area, and this person will keep walking toward me louder, louder, louder, really loud in front of me. Stop, talk loud, loud, loud out, then walk away and then come back. So it's very, it's like torture because it's not like they're just there the whole time. Right. It's like they're here, they come again. Yeah. And man, by the way, nothing is worse than another person's conversation. Unless it's like Oh, a murder conversation. A fight, a murder or a sex thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And even that's gonna get old after a couple of minutes. Like how much, you know. Right. Okay, so you stabbed him, that's then what? Yeah, then what? What about the ear hole? What did you do with that?
SPEAKER_02You know what phone thing drives me absolutely bad shit crazy?
SPEAKER_03What?
SPEAKER_02Is when people are on their phone and they'll like watch like a like a m movie trailer or like an Instagram video or something on full volume in like a public space.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Like what? What? Nobody wants to hear that. Put your headphones in or put it on silent. I don't know. It makes me so angry at home. I'll be like watching my murder shows and you know, my true crime shows, and he'll be like watch a preview trailer for something on full volume, and I'll be like, Do you not see that I'm like watching something?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I don't know what that is because um, you know, I know early on when we first started wa having devices, we were kind of oblivious to the fact that, oh yeah, other people. But now everybody knows that and everybody hates it.
SPEAKER_02Everybody hates everybody hates your noise. Or turn it down as low as possible so just you hear it and not the whole place.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, nobody wants to hear your conversation.
SPEAKER_02Similarly to this. Yes. Something pet peeve of mine go for it. Is when someone is like just out like walking around or they're like, I don't know, skateboarding or whatever, and they have their music blaring like in a speaker. Yeah, yeah. Instead of like just listening to headphones like a normal person, it's like, oh, everybody wants to hear your music. Like this music my music is like so cool. I'm sure everybody wants to hear it at full volume at any given time. No. Yeah, my oh it makes me so mad.
SPEAKER_00I've always said, you know, the people that drive around with their music on really loud, like just painfully ear splittingly loud.
SPEAKER_02Nobody wants to hear your music.
SPEAKER_00Nope. And in that moment when you're doing that, I'm sure you feel pretty boss.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You feel pretty cool. Like, look at me with my sound bubble. I'm traveling in a sound bubble, and you can dig on my groove, all of you.
SPEAKER_02Everybody loves this music.
SPEAKER_00Everybody in this spirit on this. And the fact of the matter is, everybody thinks you're a jerk. Yes.
SPEAKER_02So that's the is this we're all listening to our own music in our headphones. Talk about it. We don't need to hear your mute.
SPEAKER_00It's like the ultimate disconnect. You think you everybody thinks you're cooler because of this crazy loud music you're playing, and everybody actually is hating on you right now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because your music, too, even if it's a good song, it's like, I don't want that.
SPEAKER_02It's so loud, you have the bass turned up so much. Yes.
SPEAKER_00Your car is about to deconstruct. Yeah. Some people get really, really aggravated with throat clearing and coughing noises. I don't like people coughing. Now, this is pre-pandemic. So now, of course, coughing is a whole other thing. Coughing now means you are like shooting a gun. Yeah. You cough totally.
SPEAKER_01How dare you? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, but before the pandemic, people who would cough around me, especially when they don't cover their mouth, I always found that just really irritating.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Or the other thing is breathing on me or sighing on me in a line. So you're online, everybody's a little bored or frustrated with how long it's taken. All of a sudden, you on the back of your neck, you feel this.
SPEAKER_02Like, why are you so close to me?
SPEAKER_00Get off me with that.
SPEAKER_02The closer you get does not make the line go faster.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and breathing on me, sighing on me, that's really not good.
SPEAKER_02Uh-uh.
SPEAKER_00So I don't know, I'm already up to like three.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I think it does bother me. Uh I feel like one like sniffle or one cough is one thing, but if you continually do it, then I start to get the multiple sneezers.
SPEAKER_00How about that?
SPEAKER_02Oh, man, I'm guilty of that though.
SPEAKER_00How many times will you sneeze in a row?
SPEAKER_02Like eight.
SPEAKER_00Oh man.
SPEAKER_02Like eight. It's bad.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I don't sneeze very often, but when I do, it's like I can't stop. It's like my job to sneeze.
SPEAKER_00My first wife used to get mad because I would leave the lights on. That was one of her pet peeves. And I always was like, okay, but if I remember, yeah, I won't get any credit. How do I get credit? And she was like, it's not about that. And I go, No, it kinda is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Because how do you know I'm trying?
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_00If the lights off, you don't know if I turned it off or it just never was on.
SPEAKER_02That reminded me of a pet peeve of mine, is like, I feel like whenever we try to leave the house, it's like my significant other finds a laundry list of things that he's gotta do. Like we're all in our coats. We have all of our stuff, we're ready to go. And then all of a sudden there's 32 things that need to happen before we leave the house.
SPEAKER_00And I'm like that that that gets me. I I'm I'm feeling anxious now. Yeah, that gets me a little agitated.
SPEAKER_02Yes. I'm like, we were ready to go a minute ago. Yeah. And now you thought of all these things that need to happen before.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I'm such an impatient person. I would not be good with that. Do you ever when I if if you're riding shotgun and the car pulls up, you start opening the door before you fully stop?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And people go, what the hell are you doing? We're basically here. Well, aren't you gonna wait for me? Um do I have to? Can I just go? Like what I what the way I would handle when I was partnered, what way I would handle that, that same thing is like, oh, oh, I just remembered, and oh, I've got to change something. Is I the way I would handle this, I would go out and sit in the car or wherever, just go outside. That just helps me deal with it. But I found that made that particular person angrier. Like, why aren't you waiting with me? It's like I just feel I'll have I'll bring all this toxic energy. If I just go outside and I'm on my own, I could just chill and get my mind right so that when we go, we can start fresh. Well, anyway. All right, so there's all the driving ones. There's only a couple driving ones that get me nutty.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00There's only I mean, everyone can talk about driving.
SPEAKER_02Sure.
SPEAKER_00Everyone at some point feels a little bit of road rage. Everyone at some point feels a little impatient with weird things that we all do on the road. But for me, actually it's just one thing. And it's only since I moved here to Portland. And that is people here do not know what you're supposed to do at a left turn. Right. So if there's if it's controlled by a signal, the intersection is controlled by a signal, they stay put. The turn's green, they do not move out into the middle of the intersection where you're supposed to be, waiting for your turn. They just sit there and wait to see if there will be a time at some point in all of history where there will be no cars. And then and only then will they make a left. And they're happy to wait through as many light they'll wait through six, seven changes of light until there are no cars. And then and only then will they go.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Actually, there is one more.
SPEAKER_02Let's hear it.
SPEAKER_00The tail draggers. So there's someone who's driving really slow, but it's not that they're driving slow. I mean, that's sort of irritating. But they drive fast. Well, but they drive slowly all the way until they get to the signal, and the signal changes to yellow and it's about to go red, and then they blast off and leave you sucking at the light. Yeah. I don't like that.
SPEAKER_02What I hate is the the people that don't know how to merge. It's like a zipper. One car, one car, one car, one car, right?
SPEAKER_00It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be.
SPEAKER_02That drives me nuts. And the people when there's like a big line of cars, right? Yeah. There's obviously something. There's a reason why we're all waiting in this line, and they go into like the turn lane and they go all the way up to the front, and they're like, Oh, I've I've broken the system. Now I'm gonna cut back into the lane. All of these cars are waiting. Literally, everybody's waiting, but I'm gonna zoom around this line and then cut in at the last minute. Right. Oh, it's so irritating.
SPEAKER_00By the way, if you have a pet peeve you want to share with us, send it to us on Instagram. We're there and I'd love to hear what yours are. If we're not hitting them, we want to know what yours are. Um, how about it? Seems that some people don't know how to walk on a sidewalk.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00So they're kind of so there's people who just can't seem to stay in their lane. So you're I mean, because I'm impatient, I walk fast. And so I'd like I'm perfectly happy. I'll go out in the street if I have to, but just pick a lane that you're gonna walk in. But some people kind of walk in a meandering, unpredictable way, and you don't know how to avoid them. Yeah. Um, then I notice there's people who like let's say you're out with your friends, you got three, four friends, and you all have to walk side by side. And they and they they're like, there's oncoming traffic, and they just like, well, we can't change this, we can't be separated ever. We've got to be connected forever.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh. How about these like ding-dongs that like they have a conversation, they want to have a conversation, but they stop in like the middle of the sidewalk, so nobody can go like around them, like just move off to the side a little bit so people can walk through.
SPEAKER_00Fran Liebowitz, you know this person? Yeah. And one of the things she says about how people sort of behave in this regard, but she goes, pretend it's a city. That's like because she lives in New York. It's like, just pr pretend we're in a city. And it's like, yeah, yeah, that's exactly it. It's like it's like you're standing right in the way of this busy thoroughfare. Yeah. People are trying to get around. And it's like, you're where is your brain right now? Like, do you have no sense?
SPEAKER_02It'd be like leaving your car in the middle of an intersection.
SPEAKER_00Which that's the other thing that bugs me, because that's kind of what's happening at the left turn. It's like they won't move. Right. And it really drives me nuts. So it's like people don't know how to be on the sidewalk, they don't know how to like give way. Like they can't make a like, just move over a tick.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00We are about to smash into each other. Could you just give me a little? I'm against the wall. I can't go anywhere. Could you just move? And it's like, uh it's like they're like their body is like some like uh Winnebago and they don't know how big it is. Like I don't know, I don't know how much space I take up. And then the sudden stoppers, like all of a sudden they get an idea and they can't walk and think at the same time. Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to I forgot to fill the snack hole. I just can't get off of that. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01No, yeah.
SPEAKER_00So the walkers, the meanderers. Yeah, that kind of gets me. Uh some people get it's all uh there's a lot of mouth stuff. Like gum. Gum bothers people, people chewing gum. I don't care about that. How about knuckle crackers? They bug you?
SPEAKER_01No, I'm a knuckle cracker. Oh, are you? I've never seen you do that. No. Yeah, that's a problem. Can you show me a little knuckle cracking on the spot?
SPEAKER_00Oh, wow. Geez. That is wow. That is something else.
SPEAKER_02But mouth noises do bother me if people have like uh dry mouth or something and they're like banana sounds is what I call them.
SPEAKER_00So your knuckle noises are eating a banana. Your knuckle you don't like banana noises? Banana noises. No bananas.
SPEAKER_02Smack in your mouth.
SPEAKER_00So that would not be a that would not be one of your pillow snacks.
SPEAKER_02No, bananas are disgusting.
SPEAKER_00Wow, really?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, I'm not a fan.
SPEAKER_00I find bananas to be kind of a quiet fruit. Of all the fruits.
SPEAKER_02No. It's the least offensive.
SPEAKER_00It's a smacky.
SPEAKER_02It's a smacky fruit and it tastes bad.
SPEAKER_00Um what about people who take a sip of something and go, Yeah, no. Is that bugging you? Yeah. Okay. So much. I don't care about that, but I get it. I get it. And then what about people who are always talking about their new diet, their exercise, and their life strategy?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Constantly.
SPEAKER_02I don't want to hear about your workout plan.
SPEAKER_00Your new diet.
SPEAKER_02Your new diet.
SPEAKER_00See, what I'm doing is I'm avoiding all things that are white.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00So no, no mashed potatoes.
SPEAKER_02Anything that casts a shadow. I'm not eating anything that casts a shadow.
SPEAKER_00No white people. Um anything that casts a shadow, what does that mean? Oh, is that like an animal?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, new diet plan. Anything that casts a shadow.
SPEAKER_00Doesn't everything cast shadow at the right time of day?
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah.
SPEAKER_00So you're not eating nothing. Yeah, it's uh I it's not a peeve, but it's one of the things that people list. How about strangers who call you little pet names? Like Sweetie or Honey.
SPEAKER_02Oh no.
SPEAKER_00Some people like this.
SPEAKER_02I don't care for it, but it's not a I wouldn't say it's a pet peeve.
SPEAKER_00I don't like it when a person who's younger than me, which these days is everyone, but like someone who's clearly a teenager or someone early twenties that is in a some sort of service position, customer service, and they call me young man. All right, young man. I don't I just feel like what are you trying to do? The only person that should be calling me young man is someone who is near death. Like someone older than me.
SPEAKER_02The grim reaper. Yeah, the reaper.
SPEAKER_00The reaper can call me young man. But no, I've called.
SPEAKER_02You're coming with me, young man.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you're coming with me, young man. What about some people really get aggravated when someone comes up to them and says, Smile.
SPEAKER_02No, I don't care for that. Yeah, suck on that. As a lady, we get we get that.
SPEAKER_00I get that too. There's a phenomenon which I always found interesting where you know how we're all waiting in a line, doesn't matter where.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And everybody's waiting and everybody's moving up, and then when the person gets finally gets to the front, they go off duty. They go off duty and now they don't know when they're next. And you they you have to say, Hey, hey, you're next. Get going. Like they're signal, they're waving a flag, they're signaling you there's an opening go.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00What is that? It's like we're waiting, we're waiting. I think it's because you finally get to the front, you're like, okay, I'm at the front now. I don't have to. I can turn off. Yeah. I can just turn the machine off.
SPEAKER_02I feel like anytime I like go to the pharmacy or anything like that, the line uh the line moves and moves and moves, and then the person directly in front of me always has some huge dramatic issue that takes a billion years. Yeah. A billion years. And I'm like, you didn't think about any of this before you came to the actual pharmacy and got in the line?
SPEAKER_00Yes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02This guy doesn't know how to solve your problem.
SPEAKER_00Right. He he's not a real estate expert.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, he's just giving you your pills.
SPEAKER_00He doesn't know anything about fuel injection.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_00I uh yeah, this goes into the whole thing where people they when they finally get the window, they make a meal out of it somehow. Either they have some complex thing or they haven't given they've been in line for half an hour. They get up there, they have no idea what they're doing.
SPEAKER_02It's like they've never talked to a human being before, and they need to tell this person everything.
SPEAKER_00Or they're ordering coffee or food and they're like, Well, now let's look at the menu. Holy crap, you could have memorized the menu by now. Well, so what do you like? What kind of soy? What kind of soy milk? And then they want to chit-chat and talk about their day, and it's like people are behind you just wanting to strangle. Well, at least one person is. One person wants to strangle.
SPEAKER_02Me and you.
SPEAKER_00What about people online who are standing too close? You ever have those people? A little close, standing a little close. How about passwords for buying underwear and junk?
SPEAKER_02Like you gotta have a password to buy a for everything, for every website, you have to have a different password.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you gotta have a pair of socks. You can't check out as a guest. Why? Because they want to send you spam forever. Yes. What about singing in public? You okay with that? Someone singing pretty loudly? Oh, let's say you're sitting at a coffee shop. Nope. Somebody starts belting out a number.
SPEAKER_02Like a song. They're singing along with a sort of thing. They're singing along with whatever the tune is.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's the Spotify selection. They're just really feeling it. So they start singing along.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no.
SPEAKER_00What about the dancing? Have a little public dancing.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you can do a little dance that's not harming anybody. That's not affecting my personal bubble.
SPEAKER_00What if you're over 30 years old and you're kind of rocking out in a grocery store?
SPEAKER_02I work in downtown Portland. I see. So you've seen it all. I've seen it all.
SPEAKER_00As long as you're not pooping, I'm good with it.
SPEAKER_02Are you wearing clothes?
SPEAKER_00Are you wearing clothes? Are you pooping? Okay.
SPEAKER_02Okay, great.
SPEAKER_00Our world has changed in a way that is dark and disturbing.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00So there was a time a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, where if you had a problem with something that you bought or do or some service that you requested, you would talk to a real person. Because now there's nobody.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh a lot of people found that out with the airlines recently with all their flights being ruined. It's like you couldn't talk to a person. Nope. So they want you to use their bots, their chatty little bots. Hi, I'm a chat bot. Please tell me what your problem is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00My problem is I'm so mad, I'm ready to punch a baby.
SPEAKER_02You're not doing that. That's your New Year's revelation.
SPEAKER_00I said that last time. That's right. I wasn't going to do that. I was going to give babies a break.
SPEAKER_02Give them a break.
SPEAKER_00Why don't you consult our frequently asked questions? We have 10,000 questions and answers in this handy little. You follow this link and you're sure to no, you'll never find your problem. Because whatever problem you're having, no one has ever had before. It used to be you could say representative on the on the phone, it would we're okay, we're gonna switch you to a live agent. Now they say, okay, yeah, we're gonna switch you. Check, yeah. Follow the link in this text we're sending you, and it takes you to the bot. So it doesn't take you to a real person anymore. But here's the thing if you finally do get to a real person, I don't care where they are in the world, they don't know anything about your problem. They're not there to fix problems. What are they there to do? Upsell you on services. We're all alone now. Do you know one time I tr I okay, so I bought a fancy coffee maker.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Like really fancy. I didn't really buy it for me, I bought it for somebody I was with as a big present. Uh-huh. I splurged. So I'm setting this thing up, this contraption, and I noticed there's coffee stains, like drips of coffee stains from and I'm like, it's brand new. Yeah. So I'm like, they're selling that I paid for a new one. They're selling me a refurbished one. Those bastards.
SPEAKER_01Those bastards.
SPEAKER_00So I call, make a huge deal of it, I send it back. They send me a new one. So I read the instructions, and it says, by the way, we t pre-test all of our machines. You may see copy stains, and it's because we pre-test them.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_00Oh. So I realize I was dumb making this big show and sending it back and getting the new one. Here's the problem. I sent the old one back and they sent me the new one. They made some kind of mistake, so I got credited for the old one on my credit card. So I got my money back. But they didn't charge me for the new one. So I'm sitting there with a free coffee machine. Yeah. And that didn't sit well on my conscience. I know a lot of people be like, free coffee machine, that's on you. But I'm like, you know, I this is a gift for somebody, it just doesn't feel right. So I call up, I finally get to a real person because there's no bot that can solve this.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00Because it's like, well, I got this. How do you even explain that to a robot?
SPEAKER_02I want to give you money.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, I want to pay you for this. How do you can't even explain it? So I finally get a real person and I explain what happened. And I said, all I want to do is pay you for the one that I got. I made a mistake and it required I got a free thing and I want to pay. And they said, uh Noah Well, they just said to tell you the truth, that is gonna cause so much trouble in our system. Like our system in no way can figure that out.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00You should just keep it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Just go away. It was kind of like, can you please just go away so that we I said, No, I can write a check and send it in. She goes, that'll cause so much problem in our accounting system, which is all automated. No one knows what to do.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. And we just want you to please just take this free coffee and go away.
SPEAKER_00So I did. So we're cranky old men. Cranky old men. I just feel like we need to do better. We need to like work on this.
SPEAKER_02I don't want to work on it. Very content in my cranky old manness.
SPEAKER_00Um, yeah. I I it was funny, and and I know you think I'm kidding, but when I was writing down all the things, because I haven't even talked about all the things, I realized, oh, I'm this is too many things. And this is what cranky old people do. But I've kind of always felt like this. I think I was a cranky old man at birth.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I was born a cranky old man baby. And maybe you were too.
SPEAKER_01I was, definitely.
SPEAKER_00A cranky old man baby. So, well, I appreciate you um putting up with me long enough to do this episode, and I did not chew the entire time.
SPEAKER_02No, you didn't. No banana sounds were made.
SPEAKER_00No banana sounds were made. Thank you for being here, Jamie. And thank you. Yeah. Thank you all for joining us for this episode. Please share our show. You know that's important to us. It's the only way anyone's ever gonna hear about us. If you like the show, let others know about it. We appreciate it. And you can reach out to us on Instagram. Send us an email, the email, to the show notes. If you want, we'd love to hear from you, and we will respond. And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are a cranky old man, baby, or just selling a used ear pillow slash snack hole, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody. What is the matter with you?
SPEAKER_02I didn't know my ear pillow would be featured.