Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
THE $250,000 DINNER (tip not included)
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Madeline joins Ross to discuss high end dining clubs. Tangents include: hobnobbing; tip jobs; bag lunch; hoi polloi; Arby's Tooth; Palm Beach, Florida; sadness holes; Portland grunge; salt lick; blowing one's cabbage; Harold and Kumar; sink holes, the "third place".
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
These places are funhouse mirrors of death. All you do when you look around, what do you see? Dead people eating. Jesus. Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention, and cause us to wonder what and why. I'm Ross, your host. My guest today is so cool. If she were a guitar solo, she would be Led Zeppelin's own Jimmy Page's solo on Stairway to Heaven, filled with bends, hammer-ons, and pull-offs. It's Madeline!
SPEAKER_01My jaw is dropped. That is the kindest compliment anyone has ever given me. Thank you.
SPEAKER_00You're welcome and welcome everyone. Friends, you know what I'm gonna say. If you want to help us, and I know you do, we need you to share the link to one of your favorite episodes with somebody you know and would like to include in the smells like human family. No, it smells like humans.
SPEAKER_01Humans, yeah.
SPEAKER_00To include in the smells like humans family. So that would be the best thing you could do for us. We'll talk about some other things at the end. But for now, let's get started.
SPEAKER_01Let's dig into it.
SPEAKER_00Let's dig into it, Madeline. We know and we've you and I have talked about this, that sometimes people do extravagant things that might make some of us double take and say, Charles, what now? Can we agree for starters that the distribution of wealth in this country is sadly out of wax? Yes. Okay. And can we agree? I think when you and I talked about splurging, remember we had I loved the splurging episode. The urge to splurge.
SPEAKER_01The urge to splurge.
SPEAKER_00I think I got you to agree at the end that we all splurge according to our own means and circumstances.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes, I will agree with that. Yes.
SPEAKER_00So people that have more resources tend to do more extravagant things to get that same hit of specialness. Right. Okay. So those are the two operating assumptions. I felt like we agreed on that.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Now.
SPEAKER_01And that and that third ergo, since the distribution of wealth in this country is insane, there are gonna be people whose splurging is so insane that it makes me want to chew my own leg off.
SPEAKER_00For example, oh no. How about this little thing going on? I read about this the other day.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00People are blowing their nest eggs on restaurant hobnobbing.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Tell me more.
SPEAKER_00They're paying some really long green to belong to restaurant clubs. These are private dining experiences.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00So it's a private dining club, and a lot of them are former restaurants that are now gone exclusively private.
SPEAKER_03Ah.
SPEAKER_00They're closed to the public and they just cater to people who pay money to belong to them.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00So the idea is that in neighborhoods and cities where there's rich people, uh-uh. They uh are frustrated that they can't always get reservations when they want them, uh-huh. Or they're crowded, the restaurants are crowded and they have to deal with sleeves. They have to deal with the hoy poloi. Some of these restaurateurs have decided that the way to service this community is to create, turn the restaurant into a private dining experience. Okay. There's no amenities, just dining, drinking, and maybe dancing.
SPEAKER_01Okay. The three Ds.
SPEAKER_00With people they know or want to know.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So they can hobnob.
SPEAKER_01Just hobnob it up.
SPEAKER_00Let's talk about what kind of fees these restaurants are getting.
SPEAKER_01I can tell that I'm gonna blow the gasket in a minute.
SPEAKER_00The range of initiation fees, I'm not talking talking about the monthly.
SPEAKER_01Okay, just like to get into the club at all.
SPEAKER_00Just to get in ranges from 10K on the low end to 250,000.
SPEAKER_02That's a small house. I was gonna try to control myself, but that's a small house.
SPEAKER_00It's just amazing, right? You're paying a quarter million bucks to get a patty melt in a private dining situation. But you don't have to deal with reservations, they always have a table for you. Of course. You don't have to deal with overly crammed restaurants with everybody waiting around the Matre D or whoever the host is.
SPEAKER_01I would, of course, trade a small house for the opportunity to never have to deal with a matre D again. Are you fucking kidding me?
SPEAKER_00So, one example of this most expensive one, the $250,000, is a place called the Carriage House. And where else would you expect to find this place except Palm Beach, Florida?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that tracks.
SPEAKER_00Palm Beach is where all the happening people are that we have the money to spend on a $250,000 initiation fee. It recently popped up as the sexiest, hottest place to get your French fries.
SPEAKER_02Oh no. And it's French fries, it's not even like it's caviar and gilded. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00No, it's not- I don't know what the food is. Okay, okay. I'm just I'm I'm being silly. I'm sure they have other things. I'm sure they also have chili dolls.
SPEAKER_02Oh no.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so put yourself in this moment. You walk in and you're surrounded by women in matching blue dresses and gold lizard necklaces. What's a lizard necklace?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I assume it's a a bl a necklace where the pendant is shaped like a lizard. Okay, it's not or perhaps the whole necklace is shaped as though a lizard were curled around your neck.
SPEAKER_00Ooh. Okay, so women in matching blue dresses and gold lizard necklaces escort diners to the blue lacquered clear liquor bar serving 20 varieties of gin.
SPEAKER_01I do love gin.
SPEAKER_00You would like that. 20 varieties.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, here's the thing though, is I am the biggest lightweight in the world and I'm not picky. So I I'd be like, which one is is are they all gin though? Does what's the difference between these 20 varieties of gin? Are there that many varieties of gin?
SPEAKER_00After you drop your quarter mil, Madeline, you'll have time to sample all the varieties of the gin in the world.
SPEAKER_01All the gin joints in all the world.
SPEAKER_00The decor is inviting with a British twist. You're sort of an anglophile, aren't you?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Fabric walls with preppy paisleys, boho prints, and silk velvets.
SPEAKER_01I mean, that all sounds nice. I I'm liking the decor.
SPEAKER_00They have bars, reading rooms, and dining area. Wait, you meant reading room?
SPEAKER_01So this isn't just like like it's a dining club emphasis on the club. Like you go hang out.
SPEAKER_00Well, a reading room.
SPEAKER_01Friggin' Diogenes Club in in Sherlock, where Mike isn't that where Mycroft spends all his time? Reading. Sherlock fans, let me know. Is it the Diogenes Club? I think it is.
SPEAKER_00Reading rooms. Look, I just want my meatball sub. I don't want to read anything. Unless you're I got today's fish wrap. I'll read that.
SPEAKER_01Right. That's fair.
SPEAKER_00I'll I'll have a meatball sandwich in one hand, fish wrap in another hand, I'll read it. Drop drop dripping meatball juice. But otherwise, I don't need I'm not gonna go there to read.
SPEAKER_01Well, maybe that's is it the kind of club where you just go hang out and be seen there?
SPEAKER_00Well, yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_01That's what the reading room's for. You get in there, you've got some caviar, you're sampling, you're you're sitting, you know, exactly prim and proper, and you know you got a caviar and a cone.
SPEAKER_00You're licking your caviar.
SPEAKER_01The latest James Patterson.
SPEAKER_00You're wearing your tweety jacket with the I don't know, what would you wear to this place?
SPEAKER_01An ascot. Oh, an ascot. This is the kind of place that necessitates an ascot.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if I've seen an ascot anywhere lately.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I think we're gonna bring him back. We are pretty grungy here in Portland. Yes. And you don't really realize how grungy we are until you're out of your element.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00So I had some friends that recently went and just on a lark, they went to Rodeo Drive just in Beverly Hills to kind of just see it. Yeah, that's where all the fancy stores are. And they're sending me pictures.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I it was such fish out of water because like there's Portland Grunge at Rodeo Drive, and it's like, whoa, we are so grungy here. But you forget.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00Because it's always raining, and you're just people are just kind of sleepwalking through the muck. And you forget that everybody looks like that they do all their shopping at Sears.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00Sears uh rugged man shop. There's no such place.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00But with the plaid and the boots and the blue jeans and the socks and Birkenstocks. Yeah, just like we don't care. We're wet.
SPEAKER_01We're wet.
SPEAKER_00It's wet, it's gloomy, we're not we we don't care what we're wearing.
SPEAKER_02Nah.
SPEAKER_00But when you go to a place like Palm Beach, we would be immediately imprisoned there.
SPEAKER_01I don't think you're legally allowed to wear flannel.
SPEAKER_00No. No flannel. Actually, I'm uh enough with the flannel already, Portland. Enough with it.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I like flannel.
SPEAKER_00Uh I'm over it with the flannel.
SPEAKER_03That's fair.
SPEAKER_00On the surface, your reaction to this type of activity, these people, this idea that you're gonna pay all this money to join a club where you can go in and have your meal and hobnob with other rich people, basically.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00What's your take?
SPEAKER_01I have such a hard time with this because I'm I'm actually really torn. I feel like I've I feel like one would expect me to just be like, this is garbage, and there's an element of me that is, right?
SPEAKER_02But I I don't know.
SPEAKER_01There's something about I want to respect the the artistry of the chefs at fine dining institutions that are putting stuff together. Like that that is art and it makes sense that there's a a fee associated with that. If you have the disposable income, in some ways I think that it is it it makes more sense to me to spend it on an experience like that than to spend it on, you know, your 17th yacht. Um but the level of finance, the idea that that there is such wealth disparity in this in this country in particular, but and also just in the world today, that someone can drop a house to do this, yeah, drives me up a fucking wall. Like the existence of this thing I don't think is bad. It's the disparity element of it, right?
SPEAKER_00Like that that you that it is there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. And it's it's you know, if we were if if the disparity were less, I'd be like, oh yeah, I I get it.
SPEAKER_00You know, I get it. Right.
SPEAKER_01But but that level of disparity is just fucking insane to me.
SPEAKER_00So that is definitely front burner. But I have identified some other things that may be problematic.
SPEAKER_01Okay, good. I'm ready to get angry about more stuff. Well, this might make you angry.
SPEAKER_00This might take you down a different path. Oh, okay. I'm right. The roadless traveled by. Well, I don't know if I'll be challenging you. That's hard to do, but I want to at least see if I can get you thinking about it. No, I like it. So, first of all, I started looking at this pragmatically.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00So, yes, you're excited, you have the extra scratch, so you get into this thing and you're all excited, and you go to this place, and yeah, you go in there, everybody knows who you are, you're treated a certain way, the food is fantastic, everything's catered to your needs.
SPEAKER_01I mean, a lot of that sounds lovely.
SPEAKER_00How long does it take to get bored?
SPEAKER_01I mean, yeah, there's that.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so there have been times in my life where I had the opportunity and to some extent the interest in having a small vacation cottage. Yeah. But I could never get past this simple problem. This pragmatic problem. And this is true for timeshares and all that junk. And that is once you own this thing, once you're part of it, you either gotta use it all the time so you get bored with it, or you don't do it, and then you feel stupid because you're not d using it.
SPEAKER_01I think that's fair, but I also think that some of it has to do with who you go with and the type of experience you make it. Because like my family had a a lake property for a good while, and it would be, you know, every summer we'd go spend some time there as a family, and it was like a magical place in time. We never got bored of it because it was this cool thing that we got to do right together, and it was this, you know, I mean, this this magical experience and this magical place that we that we had that was our thing, you know.
SPEAKER_00Right. So But that's pretty pretty you that's a unique situation.
SPEAKER_01I don't know that's different, I think, than yeah, than a I mean it's that's it's the people you're with, right?
SPEAKER_00That's that's what makes it right, and I'm gonna come to that in a just a second. So I'm ahead of you. No, no, you're fine. So set you're always ahead of me. I'm chasing you. No. My brain is in a hamster-pulled cart, just trying to keep up with your brain, which is skipping and prancing along miles ahead.
SPEAKER_01Flattered.
SPEAKER_00So, while I get it, it's a place, everybody knows your name. Norm! You come in, okay. Uh everyone you see, these are all people who are quote unquote similar to you. There's no surprises after the first few times. And if you hate surprises, like you're a cruise person, you don't want to be surprised, you just want to just be safe and never ever find yourself in a dark alley, then yes, it's probably great. But for me, I would get bored very fast.
SPEAKER_01That's fair. I also think that the cheers reference is actually quite valid because there's something about if you want a place where everyone knows your name, you don't have to join a club like this to do it. You can just frequent the same place for long enough, right?
SPEAKER_00We all want to be we all like that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we all like the feeling of of being something with something, a regular somewhere. Exactly. And you have a bigger way. You have the usual. Exactly. You can make that happen without spending a house.
SPEAKER_00One ice cube and a deer lick. You know what a deer lick is?
SPEAKER_01Uh uh No. It sounds familiar. It's like a salt lick. Yeah, okay, yeah.
SPEAKER_00To attract the deer so you can kill them. Oh god. It's not good. I don't do that. But I do like a good salt lick. If that's your dream, is to be in a place where it's always the same. I mean, I'm sure the menus change all the time, but still, it's basically the same experience.
SPEAKER_01You know what you're gonna get.
SPEAKER_00Maybe it's okay, but for me, I would quickly see it as a curse. Because I because I've spent all this money to be part of it.
SPEAKER_01I spent a house on this, I gotta go do it.
SPEAKER_00And even if you got tons of dough, it's still like I think it becomes sort of this albat potentially an albatross. And here's my point if you're doing it to feel exclusive and cool, right? The only way you're gonna feel that way is not by showing up there with all the other exclusive and cool people. Because that they're the you're not impressing them. No, they're they're doing what you did, and they probably have more than you. Because wherever you go in the world, there's always somebody who has more. Right. So as much as you have, there's always gonna be one joker who's got some more. So that's not gonna be the only way you can feel cool is to bring outside guests as your guests.
SPEAKER_01And impress them.
SPEAKER_00That's the only way.
SPEAKER_01Okay, okay. I see it. I see your point.
SPEAKER_00You take a non-member so that they'll be, oh, this is nice.
SPEAKER_01Fancy, wow.
SPEAKER_00And that gets boring, I think.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because it's the same reactions over and over again.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and it's like, you know, if you really getting off on that, then you Yeah, there are some people who do though. Yes, but I feel like it's it's like taking that hit of heroin every time. It just gets it's you don't get the same. I don't know. I think it runs.
SPEAKER_01There are people who get off on feeling superior to other people, and I don't know that that does run out for them.
SPEAKER_00Here's what I would do if I had that kind of uh scratch to a waist.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00If I had that kind of cabbage lying around my joint, yeah, stuffed in the pillowcase. Not saying that's where I keep it, so don't look for it there. Don't look for it there. Don't look for cabbage in my pillowcase.
SPEAKER_02Okay, God, I hope not.
SPEAKER_00It would be actual cabbage. So, what I would do, I think this would be the height of luxury for me.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00There are two things I do. But on the food side, I have my own chef. Ooh, love that making me great healthy food, yeah, ready when I want it. They do the shopping, fresh ingredients, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe they packed me a little brown bag lunch. Did you when you were a kid, did you make your own lunch or did your mom make it or dad make it?
SPEAKER_01Uh, if I was gonna bring a lunch, usually my parents made it. And then I was also a hot lunch kid.
SPEAKER_00You were a hot lunch kid, yeah. We we weren't allowed to have that.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_00We weren't allowed to have it.
SPEAKER_01Ours wasn't good, but it existed.
SPEAKER_00I was a bag lunch kid.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. We had this little calendar that would come home that would tell you what the hot lunch was gonna be for the month. And the two things that were always interesting, one was I always knew I wanted to bring my lunch on uh teriyaki beef dipper day, which were basically these horrifying little beef nuggets uh that you dipped in a teriyaki sauce that I thought were terrible and that a friend of mine once broke a tooth on because there was this spare piece of bone in there.
SPEAKER_00Wow, a bone in your food.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, not good. I did not eat the teriyaki beef dipper. There were a whole slew of kids that swore by those, like that's the best lunch meal. And I was like, Tyler broke his tooth on this, and it doesn't even taste good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's archaeological beef. Like there's dyno bones in there. So that reminds me of this is a pretty big tangent, but I'll tell you quickly. At one point I was working as a teenager, and you would somebody would go out and make a run to get fast food. Yeah, and that's what we ate every day.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And one day, uh one guy once said, you know, I like this Arby's.
SPEAKER_01And so we would get they got the meat, they got the meats.
SPEAKER_00They got the meats, but that was before they had that slogan.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, so um, so every once in a while we'd mix in a little Arby's with our McDonald's and our Taco Bell and all that jazz. And it was pretty good.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01I like Arby's.
SPEAKER_00One day I'm eating an Arby's sandwich on the fly.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, I'm not gonna like Arby's after this.
SPEAKER_00And there's something hard in there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, not good.
SPEAKER_00And I look at it and I decide it's not a bone, it's a tooth.
SPEAKER_01Oh God, I hope you're wrong.
SPEAKER_00And so since that day, I've been telling everybody that Arby's, it's I call it Arby's tooth. Yeah. And I say they put teeth in their in their sandwiches. No. And then I also go on to say, if you ever looked at their logo carefully, it's the shape of a tooth.
SPEAKER_01I mean, it kind of it's that big hat, but it does kind of look like a tooth. I can see it.
SPEAKER_00So I call it Arby's Tooth, and I've been telling this story since I was a teenager because I want people to know what they're getting into. I've never had Arby's since. If you've been back, no. No, I it could be I could be on my last calorie, and I'd still say, you know what? I got my own teeth.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we all got those places that we just so we just can't go.
SPEAKER_00I don't want the food chewing itself.
SPEAKER_01No, that's fair. I want to chew my food.
SPEAKER_00Okay. We used to, so uh when I was an East Coast kid and my family was quote unquote sane for a given value of. My my mother was played the old-fashioned mom, and she used to make our lunches.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00We we moved out to California, and my family went nutty. Bug nuts. And good for my mother, she shed a lot of those old roles.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, good for her.
SPEAKER_00Over time, over as time went on, she shed more and more of the moments.
SPEAKER_01Make your make your own fucking lunches.
SPEAKER_00Woman roles. Yes. Yeah. And one of them we we would have meetings where she would assemble us, and we knew something was going to be subtracted from our lives.
SPEAKER_02Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00And one time she said, You're making your own lunches from now on.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00And we're like, and it was always like, okay, where do uh what how how do I do that? And then she would say, Well, you just have to figure it out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00She liked saying that. So uh we did, and the lunches were usually pretty bad.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00I think that what's really going on here, besides the fact these people are just fat and sassy with all kinds of cabbage, yeah, is that is they are sad, yeah, they're bored, and they're afraid to die.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's my take. I think it's solid. Why are they sad? They're sad because they have so much money, but they realize that nothing they buy makes them happy. Yeah. And I'm not saying money doesn't buy you happiness. I'm saying that, yes, there's some satisfaction you can get being able to feed yourself and live in a nice place where you're not.
SPEAKER_02But you hit a plateau, right?
SPEAKER_00You hit a plateau really fast and you realize there's nothing you can buy. You can keep buying stuff forever and you still feel empty inside. You're an empty, burned-out husk. They fill that black void that we all feel once in a while.
SPEAKER_01They try to throw money in it, but you can't fill it.
SPEAKER_00You fill it, you try to fill it with money, but it's an empty, bottomless pit of doom. Yep. They're hoping if they can just find that one thing, that right hit, that juice. They're looking for the juice.
SPEAKER_01Doesn't Liz all about that juice.
SPEAKER_00Is that Liz who talks about the juice?
SPEAKER_01The juice.
SPEAKER_00Looking for the juice. They're looking for the juice, and they can't get it.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00Not by spending money on a private club because a private club doesn't love you.
SPEAKER_01No. They love your money.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and they'll They'll yell your name when you walk in. They probably don't do that.
SPEAKER_02Oh, Ross! Ross is here, everybody.
SPEAKER_00What's the matter? Sit down. You don't eat anymore. Yeah. Used to be such a good boy.
SPEAKER_01That's the kind of private club I want to join. It's just uh it's just a grandparent feeding me.
SPEAKER_00That costs four dollars.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00They want that feeling that someone really loves you, but the restaurant club doesn't love you. The restaurant club will leave you as soon as you stop paying your freaking do your dues, right? Yeah, exactly. When you run out of houses to you miss a freaking payment, yeah. You're you're in that taco bell.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00You're in the drive-thru at Burger King. You're eating square burgers at Wendy's. Yep. What's wrong with those people with their square burgers?
SPEAKER_01Well, and that's what uh White Castle too is the square, right? And isn't there a whole thing about how they did them because you could fit more on a grill? I watched a documentary about this at some point.
SPEAKER_00What is that movie? The somebody in Kumar look over.
SPEAKER_01Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Yeah. That is I never actually saw that.
SPEAKER_00I never watched it because I was like, oh, this is just another dumb teenager movie. Everybody says it's like it is delightful.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00I highly recommend it. If you're in the mood for amusement.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I'm in.
SPEAKER_00I've watched the mood for endorsement.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, a ringing endorsement.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I uh yes, I was so surprised. I've never watched any of the other follow-ups because I'm sure they're no good. Yeah, whatever. But this one was it was truly an enjoyable experience.
SPEAKER_01Well, good. Anyway, love those little square burgers.
SPEAKER_00So they're sad because they want love and the restaurant can't deliver it.
SPEAKER_01Give it to them.
SPEAKER_00Nothing can deliver it except another human.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00And yourself.
SPEAKER_01And maybe pets.
SPEAKER_00And a pet.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I would say a pet can, unless they're a withholding cat.
SPEAKER_01Love can be s can be stored in the pet.
SPEAKER_00I've known some passive aggressive chinchillas.
SPEAKER_01That's fair.
SPEAKER_00That will withhold their love and blame you for it.
SPEAKER_01That's fair.
SPEAKER_00You know, there's nothing worse than you get up in the morning and there's a chinchilla sitting there smoking at the table saying, you know what, I wouldn't treat you like this if you just would mess me up. If you just wouldn't make me mad.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_00I hate that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's a universal experience.
SPEAKER_00So they're sad. I also said they were bored. Why? Because now they've insulated themselves from reality. Right. So yes, everything's perfect. So what's interesting?
SPEAKER_01Right, right.
SPEAKER_00Nothing.
SPEAKER_01Right. There's nothing that's going to be unexpected here.
SPEAKER_00You're not going to have the weird waiter who sneezes sneezes into your pasta.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You're not going to have other weirdo people who are acting up or fighting at the table. I mean, they probably just everything's all mannered and controlled.
SPEAKER_01Well, or it's the same kind of crazy because you you know that this person who's a member of the club is crazy, but they're always Jerry's always here.
SPEAKER_00Insulated life is boring life. That's my point.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's fair.
SPEAKER_00The more you try to protect yourself from by spending money to protect yourself from the hoy pilloi, the regulars, the plebs, as you say.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00The everyday, the peons, the peasants, the more you try to do that, the less interesting life is.
SPEAKER_01Well, because you're also protecting yourself from spontaneity and joy and just randos. Yeah. And randos bring spontaneity and joy.
SPEAKER_00All of that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00All of that is gone.
SPEAKER_01You can't wall yourself off from getting hurt without also walling yourself off from experiencing life and love and joy.
SPEAKER_00And I get it, sometimes you just don't want to deal with it. But it's not worth thousands of dollars to me. It's not worth a house to me to get that kind of insulation. Maybe go to a fancy place once in a while, right?
SPEAKER_01Right. Have a fancy vacation. That's great.
SPEAKER_00Have a fancy vacation. Live like the other half lives for 14 hours.
SPEAKER_01Cool.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so I said they were sad. I said they were bored.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then my final take is they're afraid to die. Yeah. Now, where does that come from?
SPEAKER_01I don't know. You tell me, Ross.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I think spending this much money on anything frivolous is a vain attempt to persuade ourselves that we are not going to bite it.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Tell me more.
SPEAKER_00Because we're too special. We're too privileged. We're too amazing. We're too wonderful. We're too boho to die. Yes. These places are funhouse mirrors of death. All you do when you look around, what do you see? Dead people eating. Jesus. Because that's why they're there. Why would you do that? You're petrified. But if you spend enough money and your stuff is cool enough, how could you possibly get sick and die? How could you possibly get run over by a bus or robbed at a 7-Eleven?
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Or find yourself in a sinkhole.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, in Florida, they got sinkholes.
SPEAKER_01I mean, they do.
SPEAKER_00And they are that is for sure. Hink sinkholes are all inclusive. They do not discriminate.
SPEAKER_01Nope.
SPEAKER_00And nature doesn't discriminate.
SPEAKER_01Sinkholes don't discriminate.
SPEAKER_00Is that a disco tune from the seventies?
SPEAKER_01No, that was Hamilton.
SPEAKER_00Is that Donna Summer?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay. I'm not against people doing it.
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_00But I think if you're searching for love, for intrigue, and for affirmation of life, you can just do simple stuff.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You can take a walk.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00In nature.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I'm a big proponent of taking walks.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And they're free usually.
SPEAKER_01Usually they are. And if they're not, it's usually because they're in a place so beautiful that you don't mind paying the five dollar entry fee or whatever.
SPEAKER_00If you want a hobnob, you can play poker with somebody. Yep. Or some other you could play bridge like my mom did. She wanted a hobnob.
SPEAKER_01Well, I'll tell you what, I am terrified of death. And uh the thing that helps me stave it off is feeling connected to other people because then I feel like the time I'm spending is worthwhile. And so the thing that's good for me is is being with other people and doing stuff.
SPEAKER_00I'm going to tell you one of my secret actor tricks. Oh, I'm ready. I try not to share these. Okay, so get ready a little bit. I don't want anyone to have the advantage that I have.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. You're dull, you know, you're you're widening the field.
SPEAKER_00So when you need when you're working on a show and you are in an intense scene like a love scene or just some emotional scene with a actor with an actor you don't like in real life.
SPEAKER_01Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_00But you have to be connected with them.
SPEAKER_01There, in fact. Yeah, been there.
SPEAKER_00I tell myself, my as if is I say, it's as if this is the last human I will ever see before I go.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, that's a good one.
SPEAKER_00And it changes all the changes the flavor of everything.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. Because you're changing the stakes, which is which is genuinely such a big actor tip is think about your stakes.
SPEAKER_00Yes. So so doing us. It ches, it changes, and I can play really in depth with that person who in real life I want to kill with a golf pencil.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's the best.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. I've visualized it clearly.
SPEAKER_00Because they'll never see it coming.
SPEAKER_01The golf pencil? No.
SPEAKER_00Because they think, oh, it's just a golf pencil. What harm could be done with a golf pencil?
SPEAKER_01And then no, I'm not gonna say that. That's too gross.
SPEAKER_00What were you gonna say? It'll be edited.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I was gonna say, and then before they know it, it's in their eye socket.
SPEAKER_00Okay. You can read a book, you can play bocce ball. We've talked about that before. You could even play pickleball.
SPEAKER_01You could even play pickleball.
SPEAKER_00Since the last time we talked about pickleball, I was invited randomly to play in a pickleball tournament. And I said, I don't know how to play. I mean, I've I know how to play, but I've never played it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00And yet I did it.
SPEAKER_03Was it fun?
SPEAKER_00It was fun and weird.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00It was fun and weird. It was exactly. Well, I think there's a lot of room for that. Yeah. For uh for augmentation.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_00And I don't I think if you showed up with a pocket full of pickles, you'd be very popular.
SPEAKER_01I think that's true of life in general.
SPEAKER_00Let's talk for a moment. So, anyway, I think that if you're out there spending money on a private dining experience, it's fine. I don't begrudge you your fun, but I also think that the motivation for this is comes from a lot of sad dark places when we're spending a lot of money. I think it's just very sad. And we're hoping that somehow we will feel more valued and more loved and more respected. The people there aren't going to do it.
SPEAKER_01No. Because they're all in looking insular and wanting those same things.
SPEAKER_00And your guests will be superficially impressed, perhaps, like they are when you show them around your place, like, look, look at this beautiful sculpture I got in Sri Lanka. And then you're like, yeah, that's nice, but also, why are you such an asshole?
SPEAKER_03Right, exactly.
SPEAKER_00They'll never say that to you, but they'll be thinking about people think that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Let's talk about what it would like be like to work at one of these joints.
SPEAKER_01Oh boy. I mean, the tips, well, if anyone tips, the tips are probably insane, right? Because if you're going based off of the cost of a thing and a percentage. However, the kind of people that are willing to spend that much money on a meal categorically do not tip. It's fucking insane.
SPEAKER_00Why is that?
SPEAKER_01I I I wish I could tell you about the job. How do you know this?
SPEAKER_00That rich people don't tip.
SPEAKER_01Rich people don't tip. It's having worked in the service industry. I've never been a server myself. I have worked server-adjacent jobs, and I have a lot of friends who have been servers.
SPEAKER_00I think the people who have worked tip jobs are the biggest tippers.
SPEAKER_01Because they understand the dependence on it, they understand how much it matters. But they're tricky.
SPEAKER_00Because I've worked tip jobs before. And it's tricky too because there also can be the people I know this is true for me. Like if someone's done a good job, I like over tipping.
SPEAKER_03Right, right.
SPEAKER_00To the extent I can afford to. But if they do a crappy job, then I don't automatically give them their 20%. Because I feel like you didn't even try. And I know what it's like to have to show up and put on your customer face. Right. Like I get it. You're over it, but still I always tip something.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, I never go zero. But if they're yeah, if they've really they're really phoning it in and and barely doing their job, I'm not gonna or they're root or they're yeah, exactly. You know, it's like that's the big thing. Yeah. Because I we all have days where we gotta phone it in. But if they're root, that's a whole thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they'll I'll give them their 20% if they just do the bare map.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they g if they got the food out, I'm I'm happy. Yeah, you're fine. You get you get your tip.
SPEAKER_00But uh doing that. I think that's probably true is that people who have worked tip jobs will be the first ones to lay out.
SPEAKER_01And that's the thing, the people who can afford $250,000 chances are good they've never had a tip job in their life. So it doesn't, they don't even think about it.
SPEAKER_00I I would think that, and I don't know this for true, I have anecdotal evidence to suggest that they do pay their employees more and there's more benefits, and whether there's a tip structure or not, I don't know, but because they've got so much money coming in, they in theory would be able to pay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, what are they even doing with it?
SPEAKER_00I've read that there are people who get these jobs and they keep them, they covet them and keep them for years and years because they can actually afford to live on the on the money. Yeah, and some have worked in these places for decades, yeah, and they've become part of the experience. Right. It's like, oh, I want I want Cleveland to wait on us because he or she is so great. And so I hope, and I've heard anecdotally from someone recently when I was talking about the show, they said that their niece worked at one of these places and they were a little worried about what it would be like for them, and they actually were treated very well and they were paid very well.
SPEAKER_03That's good, that's good.
SPEAKER_00But I would bet that there's a lot of pressure because you can imagine if you like bring the shrimp scampi and it's a little off temperature. I'm thinking anything goes wrong, somebody is like, Do you know I paid quarter of a million dollars to either here and you can't even arrange my shrimp in a perfect circle on top of the pasta?
SPEAKER_01So the stress level must be so high.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so that you can't make a mistake.
SPEAKER_01You can't fuck up.
SPEAKER_00You can't do anything wrong, and there's no like your the expectations are really high. So I feel like there would be str it'd be a little stressful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00If you're working at a place where they value, you know, where you value excellence and they value excellence, it might be a nice place to work.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But uh you don't wanna you don't want to misarrange the shrimp.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00Well, I think we've covered this. I think we've covered this topic adequately. And you did not get too upset.
SPEAKER_01I didn't get too heated. I think because I think the concept of it's not bad. Again, it's just the disparity aspect that makes me want to blow a gasket. But you know, there's the the I've heard people talking lately about how um in in America today, especially, we don't have a lot of third places, right? The concept of like you have work and home, but we we need a third place to be. Oh, wait a minute.
SPEAKER_00I don't know about this. Tell me about the third place.
SPEAKER_01Well, and I don't know all that much about it, so I'm I'm you know, maybe I'll get something wrong. Listeners may know more than me and have have good stuff to contribute. But like um the, you know, in the UK, there's the concept of the the pub as the public house, right? Where you go and hang out and you see your friends there and and you have a whole experience. And we have some of that with bar culture in the United States, but bar culture in the United States is a lot more about like go have a party, go get wasted, go do your thing, and then go home. It's not a meeting house.
SPEAKER_00It's not a meeting house.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. And there's kind of like, what do we what do we have? We have the public library, which is incredibly important. Support and fund your public libraries, but you sit in there and you're quiet and you read a book, right? But yeah, so anyway, we don't have a lot of we don't have a lot of third places where you can just go and hang out with people that's not just like an hour-long dinner or something, right? Right, right. That's not a that's not an aspect of our culture. We need a third place. Yeah, we need a third place.
SPEAKER_00And what's your third place?
SPEAKER_01Um, my third place is I mean, honestly, it's usually my friends' houses, right? That I go over to when they do board games or whatever. Yeah. But there's not like a shared space for that. So I can see the desire for like, I want to belong to this club where that's the place that I can go and be with these other people and spend time there. Like I get that. It's just the idea that you pay the amount of a house and that's chump change to you because of the fucking wage disparity in this country that makes me want to expire on the spot.
SPEAKER_00That's what you get you nutty.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00It's important whenever we're spending our money to try to feel better to really look at right.
SPEAKER_01What am I hoping to get out of here?
SPEAKER_00Exactly. You know, and I I don't want to sound like I am uh uh throwing cold water on every fun thing because I do all kinds of crazy things. I've wasted a lot of money doing stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So I don't think it's a waste if it bought you in an experience that was joyful.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, if you're having fun and you're not looking at it to a memory to be to fill that abyss that's that dark abyss.
SPEAKER_01Because what else is the point of having money? You've got survival and then you've got, you know, you can't take it with you, right? So do spend it on things that bring you joy. We just shouldn't live in a society where you can have $250,000 to throw away on a meal club.
SPEAKER_00Blow your cabbage.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's the lesson.
SPEAKER_01That's the lesson.
SPEAKER_00We want you to blow your cabbage and do it as gracefully as possible. I've blown my cabbage. So thank you, Madeline, for being here. We're so glad to have you back. Thanks for having me. And thank you, everyone, for joining us for this episode. As I said, if you share the show or one of your favorite shows with somebody you know, that helps us grow. We want to put audience in our sadness hole. That's what we're doing.
SPEAKER_02Oh, I hate it. Delicious.
SPEAKER_00Uh, I hate to love it. So if you like it, share it. That helps us. You can follow us on Instagram and you can message us on Instagram, and we will respond. We love hearing from you and we love uh getting support.
SPEAKER_01That is Tell us Tell us how you fill your sadness hole.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, if you want to talk about your sadness hole and how you fill it, yeah, or how you don't fill it, yeah. You know, that would be great to know.
SPEAKER_01Talk about how the sadness hole fills you.
SPEAKER_00Yes, all the ways that there can be a sadness hole in the conversation. We want you to talk about it.
SPEAKER_02I want to know!
SPEAKER_00If you want to review the show on Apple Podcasts and give us a sparkling five-star review, we will read it right here on an upcoming show. You can contribute to Patreon. We are on there under Smells Like Humans, and we will take your money gladly. We will be forever grateful for any financial support you can give us. And more than anything else, just showing up every week and being part of our family is really appreciated, and we love that you are here. And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are blowing your cabbage on a restaurant hopknob or just someone trying 20 different types of gin, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody.
SPEAKER_01Bye bye. We've we just talked about how we're uh I we probably won't use this, but we're recording this on April Fool's Day, which I I fucking hate April Fool's Day because I'm ridiculously gullible, so you could be lying to me about the existence of Slumgullion, but I would probably believe you.