Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
ARE YOU BRAVE ENOUGH TO ATTEND A WEDDING ALONE?
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Caitlin joins Ross to discuss strategies for feeling ok at a wedding by yourself. Tangents include: Winnebago's; bamboozling Canadians; Bonded by Proxy; the inherent risk of talking to older people; Iceland's Penis Museum; Mai Tai's; the link between ice skating and serial killing.
Notes:
- Winnebago: https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=584594592&sxsrf=AM9HkKm71MtYAhSgse3Nwa37ZOXJpMjO-g:1700666850083&q=winnebago&tbm=isch&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiGz-vb9deCAxWSOn0KHU0iDZgQ0pQJegQIChAB&biw=1382&bih=796&dpr=2.5#imgrc=HBIKup3nLtWkmM
- Iceland's Penis Museum: https://www.phallus.is/
- https://www.glamour.com/story/the-dos-and-donts-of-going-to
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
Well, I'd I'd love to be friends with the hunchback, so I'm not the right person to ask.
SPEAKER_00Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder what and why. I'm Ross, your host, and my guest today is so cool. If she were a kitchen appliance, she would be a stainless steel thermidor freestanding French door bottom mount refrigerator with ethylene filter to trap the gases of ripening produce. It's Caitlin. Woo-wee! Welcome, Caitlin. Hiya. Thanks for being here. And welcome everyone to the show. We're glad you're here, and we are glad that you spend time with us every week. Now, Caitlin, we know that usually it's considered undesirable to be alone. I recently was reading an article encouraging people to go to a wedding solo for whatever reason you find yourself without a date. So you're a plus nun. Apparently, some humans find going to weddings alone to be a bit challenging. So my first question Have you ever gone to a wedding all by yourself?
SPEAKER_02Yes, I have. Really recently. Um, I drove up to Canada for a friend's wedding.
SPEAKER_00I know this because we were texting and you were saying I'm driving. That's right. From Canada. I'm still texting though.
SPEAKER_02No, using the the voice to text feature on my vehicle.
SPEAKER_00I thought I maybe it rated some dangerous texting. That's okay. Were you in Saskatchewan?
SPEAKER_02Uh I I don't know. Manitoba? Vancouver?
SPEAKER_00Oh, Vancouver.
SPEAKER_02And Victoria, British College. Which I recently I learned there while I was there that it's not Victoria Island. I was calling it Victoria Island and wasn't corrected until I actually arrived there. And then they were like, no, no, no, no. It's Vancouver Island, and Victoria is the city on it.
SPEAKER_00That seems very technical.
SPEAKER_02It does. It's particularly confusing because there's also a Vancouver city, which is on the mainland.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02So it's just they just love the name Vancouver.
SPEAKER_00Let me just suggest to you, because I know a lot of Canadians, they will mess with you.
SPEAKER_01What?
SPEAKER_00They'll mess with you.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So who knows what we should actually call that little island. I've been there. It's a lovely place, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Gosh, my naivete is really showing here. I feel like all the Canadians I met were corroborating their ster stereotypes. Yeah, being super kind. They're all incredibly.
SPEAKER_00They're all very nice, but that's their that's their stick. They're all in on it. They're clowning us down here in the lower 48.
SPEAKER_02Wow. Both my partner and I were invited to the wedding. Right. But because we have all of this um debt from having lived in London the last two years and doing my graduate studies, our money is very tight. And so we felt like financially one of us could maybe go, but not both of us. But Max was someone I met through my course, through my program in London.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, and so we had a closer bond.
SPEAKER_00A closer bond.
SPEAKER_02You know, bond by the things we had done together, whereas my partner was bonded by proxy of knowing me.
SPEAKER_00Bonded by proxy.
SPEAKER_02Bonded by proxy. It's my my next band name. Hello, and we are bonded by proxy.
SPEAKER_00You made a decision, an executive decision. I did. That your partner was out.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00And you were in.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_00So you got into the Winnebago.
SPEAKER_02I did. Yeah. That's right. And you and I drove.
SPEAKER_00And you set off. Did you hit all the casinos on the way? Try to get some nest egg money.
SPEAKER_02No, I let those go. This time. The drive is supposed to be from Portland to Vancouver, it's supposed to be about six hours or so. And I left pretty early in the morning. So I thought, you know, this will be good. I'll be there by like three o'clock in the afternoon.
SPEAKER_00Be there by three o'clock, have a tea cake.
SPEAKER_02No problem. Um, I did stop in Seattle on my way and saw a friend there, and then I continued my journey, but at that point I was hitting the very famous Seattle traffic.
SPEAKER_00Yes, it's it was famous.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and that all conspired against me to miss most of the ferries, and I was only able to make it onto the very last ferry. And so by the time I arrived at my destination, it was midnight. So I drove from 8 a.m. until midnight.
SPEAKER_00Whoa.
SPEAKER_02It was rough.
SPEAKER_00That's a whole lot of Winnebagoin.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00We got to the wedding and how was the experience? Was it fun?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So I I were all alone, and you probably didn't know a lot of the people.
SPEAKER_02Right. So this was the thing is I hadn't really fully taken into my brain, like, oh, I'm gonna, I don't know anyone at this wedding except for one of the grooms. So I walked into the wedding and looked at, you know, the room full of people and went, Oh, right. I don't know any of these people. And the one person I do know is gonna be occupied for most of the night.
SPEAKER_00So did you feel any anxiety about that or was that cool for you?
SPEAKER_02I did. I definitely was a little bit anxious. Uh, and kind of I took maybe a half an hour to kind of did like, you know, like the circle around the room, just casually walking, like, oh yes, I do this. This is fine. I belong here. Uh, and then I once I sort of spotted a spot where I could sit down and kind of plant myself, I sat and a few minutes later, a couple came and sat next to me, and I kind of had this thing in my mind where I was like, you know what? If I'm gonna do this thing, if I'm gonna be here for the next, you know, five hours, I need to know one person. Yeah. That's not Max. Right. Yeah. So uh I reached out my hand to the people sitting next to me and I said, Hi, I'm Caitlin, and I don't know anyone here at this wedding. And then I quickly corrected myself because now I sounded like a wedding crasher.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02And I was like, no, no, no, sorry. I do know Max, one of the grooms who's getting married, but other than that, I don't know anyone, and I just would like to know one person. And they were so kind and so welcoming. They were like, oh my God, yes, hang out with us all night. This will be great. And like we became lovely, good friends, and I met a couple of other people through them and had a great time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, well, that's good. I and I think whenever you're in those situations where you find yourself in a social gathering and you don't know anyone and you're not sure what to do, and you have a little bit of anxiety, immediately reach out your hands to a stranger. Yes, just kind of reach them out and see what happens. And in your case, it actually worked.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but that first like the I feel like there's a huge barrier between the thought I should, I should reach out, I should try to like be vulnerable and introduce myself. And the action, and between that and the action of actually doing it is so hard.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It is it's it feels like a physical barrier you come up against where you're like, I should do it, I should do it. Is this the right time? Oh, nope, this isn't the right time. Oh, they're getting up. Okay, what do I do? I'll stay here. Right, you know?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and there's in like a lot of social experiences that we have, there's a certain amount of risk because we might get rejected. Right. And there's nothing, it's sort of akin to walking across in the old days when you would walk across a dance floor and uh ask someone to dance with you, and then if they said no, then okay, now what do I do? Right. How do I make this look like didn't this didn't just happen? So if you're sitting there at a table with someone, you reach out your hands, kind of outstretched, like Frankenstein style, and they snub you or don't respond, then it's like, how do I make this look like I'm doing something? And I think the only answer is you just start giving them a light massage.
SPEAKER_02Oh no, maybe not. So actually, you're well, I'm super curious. How's that gone for you in the past? Well, did they just release you from prison?
SPEAKER_00It's gone. Let's just say my parole officer is very proud of my progress. I want to tell you that I was reading this article about promoting that people should go solo to a wedding. Oh, and was talking about how people do feel insecure doing that, and a lot of people just won't go because they're just like, what will I do? Yeah, hours of being isolated and being feeling awkward and anxious. So they had some tips that align with something, some of the things you just said. Oh, great. So the first piece of advice was know that you're doing a hard thing.
SPEAKER_02Oh.
SPEAKER_00So that should give you some courage. Ah, I was like, okay.
SPEAKER_02You know, I actually that's actually great because I think sometimes we're gonna put that in the great column. Sometimes, sometimes we feel quite alone in our sense of awkwardness or our insecurities. And so, like we think like, you know, uh, this shouldn't be hard. This should be fine. I should be everyone else, you know, other people I see seem to do this just fine, you know. I or I can think of specific people in my life. I'm thinking of one person in my life in particular who would have no problem going to a wedding alone and by the end of the wedding would probably be best friends with everyone there.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02And I'm not that person. Um, so when I think of her in that situation, I'm like, well, she can do it. So this should be fine for me. So in some ways, I think taking the advice of like, no, this is actually a hard thing. It's hard to go alone to social events.
SPEAKER_00Right. It is for a lot of people. So know that that there's I think part of the messaging here, and I have two columns, great and blows. And I gave this, put this under the great category because you liked it. All right. I think part of it is um is acknowledging the fact that it's not unusual to feel like this is difficult. I think that's kind of what it's saying. It's trying, it's it's normalizing this feeling. Hey, you're not some weirdo that's dealing with social anxiety and and you don't know, you know, you're you're feeling this because they're you're less than. It's like everybody feels this. So know that that that this is a normal feeling. Yeah, let's press on. Yeah. Number two, and this is something you did, interact with other people. And I thought, well, yeah. Well, yeah. You shouldn't just go there and then just sit there in a clump.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Just sit there like behind a potted plant drinking mai ties and crying silently. Yeah. Oh man.
SPEAKER_02That's a quite a wedding.
SPEAKER_00I wish there were more Mai Ties in the world. Just around just just floating around. You didn't have to ask for them. Right. They were just they're just there. Just there. Yeah. Interact with other people. I I won't, I won't say that's great. We need a middle, I don't say it blows, but I'll put a middle column which it will call duh.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, does it say, is there anything else? Does it say like how to interact with other people?
SPEAKER_00It's going to, it gets more specific. But the but it was just a separate thing, which is don't just go there. You have to actually interact. But then it tells you the some of the advice is specific on how to do it. It also said that, you know, research shows that when we interact with other people, it makes us happier. Which again is I'm still thinking that's in the duh column.
SPEAKER_02I feel like didn't we learn that lesson really intensely over the last two, three years of COVID?
SPEAKER_00Okay, number three, and this was uh something that maybe you did. I didn't really pick up on this when you told your story. The advice is find old people. They will always talk to you.
SPEAKER_04Oh.
SPEAKER_00So if you find some old people in the room, and there's always some of token old people around. Sure. Somebody's parents, yes, somebody's uncle, somebody's teacher. Right. You you can pick them out very quickly.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00Because they're old.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_00And they put on their old suit, and then you go up to them. Yes, they will talk to you.
SPEAKER_02They s they I believe that.
SPEAKER_00Because they're used to being ignored. So anyone like coming up to them saying, Hey, what's up? Right. Wanna be my friend? Be my friend. Now, I think that's a good piece of advice. Okay. Because there are very low barriers to entry when it comes to having a conversation with an old person. Yes. The risk.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, go.
SPEAKER_00They will talk to you and tell you stories that have no point.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_00No punchline. Right. No end. They'll tell you about the time they took apart a sewing machine and then they had an apple.
SPEAKER_02Is that a is that a common that's a common story you hear from the older generation? They took apart a sewing machine and then they had an apple.
SPEAKER_00They just sit down with you and uh so uh it's it's a risk.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Just keep in mind if that's your strategy, yes, it will work, but then you will not be able to shake these suckers and they will track you around the room. Like once you start getting more comfortable, yeah. Every time you turn around, there they are.
SPEAKER_02I think there's another risk. I think there's more risks, actually, to that one.
SPEAKER_00Okay, what else?
SPEAKER_02So one of the risks I think is if you're particularly charming, you then become the the object that is, oh, let me introduce you to our new plaything. And it's a wedding, so there's family, right? So let me introduce you to my sister and my aunts, my and my nephew, and my right. And so yeah, then you're then it's a tell them the story again about how you took apart that sewing machine with the apple.
SPEAKER_00See?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. I think you're right. I think there's a lot of risk surrounding old people.
SPEAKER_02I think the the other risk for me is when we've when if we've moved through the pleasantries of like acceptable social talk, uh I don't I don't know where to go from there.
SPEAKER_00You have to go immediately to sex. It just right away. That's where it goes with old people. Absolutely. They do not have time.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00You've gotta just get to it.
SPEAKER_02I would be appreciative of that, honestly, that kind of like forwardness and honesty. Yeah. But often I f I encounter things like, you know, oh, like you went to London. What did you study? Oh yeah, well, I did my act, you know, actor training and coaching. Oh, good. Tell me more. Like what what else? And then I then I have to get into like, oh, well, I studied burnout. And then if we if we go beyond that, I now have, you know, if I'm honest, the only things left to reveal is like, well, I studied burnout, and particularly I studied, you know, white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism and how they contribute to burnout. And now I don't know with a person of an older generation necessarily where they stand on those particular topics. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's happen and they're like, amazing. Let's say say more about that. But sometimes it's like, go back to telling us about London. What was it like living in the London?
SPEAKER_00Can we go back to the sewing machine? Yeah, you just leapt into hyperspace. Yeah. So uh yeah, that's a risk. So I'm gonna put that in the so old people are risky. I think that's what we've learned. Be aware of that. And we'll put that. I don't know. Is that great advice to go up to I think that should be I think that should let's have another column, which is maybe. Because I think you should try a different strategy first.
SPEAKER_02Proceed with caution.
SPEAKER_00And if nothing, yeah, maybe caution, watch out. This could this could blow chunks. The the thing is, is that if that's your first thing you do, yeah, I I think you should try other things first. Try to talk to other people. If that completely fails and you're totally snubbed out, yeah, and you're feeling horrible, then you seek out the old person, and then just get ready to tuck into the rest of the afternoon because you're done. Sure. But you have a friend at least. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forever. Okay. Advice point number four. They had lots of advice. Don't drink too much or become a spectacle. Oh. And I'm thinking, that's why I go to wedding. Yeah. I need spectacle. Right. I some people think I'm a spectacle. So if you're not drinking, what are you doing? I go. I mean, I go to a wedding for two reasons. Do you know what they are?
SPEAKER_02To be a spectacle.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_02To celebrate the love and joy between the things that I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_00No, no, I have no interest in that. I go there to eat and drink.
SPEAKER_02Ah, okay.
SPEAKER_00So get the grub out early.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00And hit me with a Mai Thai.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00And then I'm having a good time. Right. Right. And keep them coming. Yes. Like put me on a Mai Thai IV. Let's go. They're saying if you drink too much, then you kind of lose your ability to kind of you know read the room. You're not filtering yourself as much. You might quickly go into white supremacy when you shake when you reach out with your Frankenstein hands to grab somebody, grip them.
SPEAKER_02To be clear, it's criticizing white supremacy. Oh, what did I say? You just said going into white supremacy. So I just want it to be clear. Oh, okay. We're not promoting, we're not advertising.
SPEAKER_00I don't well, if you're drinking, so who knows what happens. That's what they're saying. Maybe you'll kind of lose your you lose the thread of that, and next thing you know, you're in a bit of trouble with everyone. Right. Okay. So don't drink too much. Number five, wear something.
SPEAKER_02That's that's excellent advice. There's more. That definitely goes under the good advice.
SPEAKER_00Unless it's a nudist wedding and then you don't wear something.
SPEAKER_02Fair.
SPEAKER_00And we've talked about the advantages many times on this podcast of being naked. In fact, you should listen to Let's Get Naked, which is one of my favorite ones. There's a surprise ending. Anyway, wear something that'll make you feel confident. And they say when you get there, immediately go to the bathroom.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00But but go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror and make sure you look the way you want to look.
unknownOh man.
SPEAKER_00So that you feel confident walking around, reaching out your hands at people and promoting white supremacy. Well, I don't recommend that. I'm not about that. But whatever makes you happy. No, no, no. No, I know. So, but yeah, so they say check yourself out in the mirror.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I would do that just to make sure I was all properly zipped up and everything. 100%. You don't want to walk around, you know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, this being a dope.
SPEAKER_02This was hard for me at this wedding because I had, I don't know if anyone else has had this experience, but uh I gained a little weight while I was in London. And there are clothes in my closet that I only wear for particular occasions, like weddings.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02So I had this jumper in my closet that I've worn, you know, two years ago for the last time I was at a wedding.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02And so I just brought that with me thinking this will be great. Like I love this piece. Flip into it, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Rock and roll.
SPEAKER_02Went to put it on, and it was a bit tighter than I it blew off your body. It it didn't blow off my body. It was it was a little tighter, you know, pulling the pulling the zipper up. And so I actually and but that's all I had brought because again, I had traveled, you know, from California and I California. What? Because I had traveled from Oregon and uh I there wasn't time to like go and buy something else. So that was what I wore, and I still really liked the piece, and it looked fine, honestly, it looked fine, but in my head the whole time, I couldn't stop thinking about how tight it felt and how uncomfortable I was and how worried I was about my appearance. So I I do think that's actually good advice.
SPEAKER_00You should have uh yeah, tried it on before you left. I should have because you hadn't worn it in two years. And I think that it's a general rule for anyone after you hit 30, 30 to 35. You have to re if you haven't worn something in a while, you have to try it on first because you know, stuff moves around.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00In a in surprising ways. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's all natural, it's all good. And but that is an I think that's a good piece of advice, is and we're we're augmenting this by saying check your clothes, give your clothes a test trial before you drive 20 hours in your Winnebago, and then check yourself out when you get there to make sure that everything's where it's supposed to be, and you feel good. Because I think when you feel good about how you look, yeah, they're they're suggesting in the article, and I agree, that you feel more confident interacting with strangers. Yeah. Coming up to people and reaching out your hands and giving them a light shoulder massage. Okay, then it says go to the bar and start a conversation. So you're not supposed to drink too much, but you are supposed to immediately go to the bar, yes, get yourself something.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00In your case, it could be a green tea and some honey.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I actually I I don't drink very much, and and I was driving, so I knew that I could not. Engage in being a spectacle at the wedding. So I had one glass of champagne and then some mocktails for the rest of the night, which were great.
SPEAKER_00Mocktails is like a really taken off right now.
SPEAKER_02They really have. I'm so oh, thank goodness.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's really great. It's really a great thing. Yeah. Because it's like, yeah, everybody likes to have a little special drink, but they don't always want to get tanked up and exactly. Do all that stuff. If there are no assigned seats, did they have assigned seats at the wedding?
SPEAKER_02There were no assigned seats.
SPEAKER_00If there are no assigned seats, find a seat. Ask people if they are expecting anyone. And then if they say no, then you, hey, may I join you? My name is Caitlin. Let me outreach my hands toward you.
SPEAKER_02Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00I think that's a mistake.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00I wouldn't ask that question. Why? It gives them an opportunity to say, uh uh, I would say I wouldn't ask them if they're expecting anyone to sit there. I would just sit down and see what happens.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00Because that puts the pressure on them to say, um, we're actually we're saving that seat for anyone else. But let them deal with it. Sure. I mean, I'm here.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like this is my chair now.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Doesn't say I can't sit here.
SPEAKER_02I liked if if I can toot my own horn a little bit.
SPEAKER_00Could you?
SPEAKER_02I liked my tactic, which was to be very clear and honest about my situation. Like, I think it I don't know. For me, telling the person that I reached out to and saying, like, hey, I'm alone here at the wedding and I I am looking to know someone. I think for most people, most people want to do a good thing, right? They want to like help someone out. And so I think that puts them in a position to be like, oh my gosh, hi, let me help you out. Like, I would love to help you out. Let's let's hang out. Let me introduce you to my aunt Nancy or what have you.
SPEAKER_00Here's the thing that you have going for you that a lot of people, maybe me, do not. You are a genuine, warm, and likable person. Not everyone has that.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_00So some of us just have to sit down, grab a hold of a chicken leg, and dig in.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And hope for the best. But I do agree that if you are that sort of warm and genuine person, approaching, making yourself vulnerable, telling telling them who you are and asking them to adopt you for the rest of the afternoon or evening.
SPEAKER_02Maybe that's fair. Maybe there are qual yeah, maybe there are, you know, maybe it's particular to the identities I hold or like qualities I have that makes that particularly non-threatening.
SPEAKER_00Like imagine the hunchback of Notre Dame showing up and doing what you did. Do you think that's going to go well for the hunchback?
SPEAKER_02Well, I'd I'd love to be friends with the hunchback. So I'm not the right person to ask.
SPEAKER_00She would love to be friends with the hunchback. This is something you actually did. Introduce yourself to everyone at the table and ask how they know the happy couple. Yeah. That's that that's a they claim in this article that's an automatic winning conversation started.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Because everybody likes to tell how they know the the people getting married.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00Everybody likes that story.
SPEAKER_02That was the first point of conversation in literally every interaction I had.
SPEAKER_00Look for people with a welcoming social cue, like eye contact or a smile. But I would say I would just put an addendum on that. And that is watch out for the creepy eye contact.
SPEAKER_03You don't want that. No.
SPEAKER_00Uh I was at a party the other night and there was a lot of creepy eye contact going on, and I did not find that welcoming.
SPEAKER_01Yikes.
SPEAKER_00But if it's regular eye contact, which you would call regular and normal and friendly, yeah, that's a good idea. So I think that's pretty good. And then uh here's where it gets a little uh controversial. Only dance on the group dance numbers. Don't just go up there and start dancing with a couple.
SPEAKER_02What? I'm sorry. Do people What? Do people do people do that? Do they like a couple, like like it's just two people having like a moment and a third person comes in and is like, and also Dave!
SPEAKER_00I'm surprised that you don't know this because I've been observing this for the last 15 or 20 years. Oh my god. I don't know how long it's been. And I when this started happening, and I'm pretty sure people out there know about this. And if you do know about it, feel free to write us about it and post it on our Instagram page or whatever. But I'm I started seeing this happening when I was still going out and with with friends, they were my theater friends, and we'd go out after a show or whatever we were doing, and you know, you'd they would be music and you'd just be dancing and having fun. And and it was usually guys would come up to people who they did not know and and either be dancing with them or around them, or even trying to grind on them a little bit. Oh my lord. And it was a thing, like it was and I first I thought, what is going on? But it actually I think it's a thing now.
SPEAKER_02Like, I'm sorry, let me be clear. Two people are clearly like they they are dancing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, two people dancing.
SPEAKER_02There's a they've got a connection, they've a they're dancing together, and a third person, you said usually a man, that usually a man unfortunately doesn't surprise me that they do not know.
SPEAKER_00So it's not another friend coming over.
SPEAKER_02Now it's now it's you and me and Barney and Barney.
SPEAKER_00Let's get it. I let's go do that thing that we do. This is a thing. You used to have to ask people if they wanted to dance with you, but now You still have to you still have to do that. You get up there and you just grind it out, baby. Oh do your thing. Yeah, it's crazy. I thought it was really the weirdest thing, but there I think it's a thing because this article is saying, hey, just do the group numbers, and then you know, if you start interacting with somebody and they want to dance with you, fine. But so I have two problems. One is, well, I I don't have a problem. I think the coming up and just dancing randomly with people is off-putting. Yes, especially if you don't know anybody, I would agree with that, but also I think group dance numbers at weddings are really gross. What? Oh god, just I uh it gives me it gives me the creeps. Why? I don't know. I feel like it's putting everyone in a compromising position.
SPEAKER_02Wow, no, I live for the group dance numbers.
SPEAKER_00Okay, well you'll be very happy because at most weddings.
SPEAKER_02Oh, ABBA. Yeah, ABBA spice girls go on, I'm jamming.
SPEAKER_00There's that electric slide.
SPEAKER_02Let's go.
SPEAKER_00You're in it.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Cowboy boot stomp or whatever. 100%.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00I I know that's good. I'm and most people like that stuff.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Particularly if they've had a couple of Mai Ties.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and then they're then they become a spectacle. And that's what happens in group dance numbers is everyone becomes a spectacle, even the older people. Number 12, a lot of advice. Do so here's another idea. Do people watching? This is, I think, when you feel like everything's not working. Okay. They say, well, do people watching, so watch, just watch people and embrace being alone. That sounds a little somber to me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's kind of like that's sort of like code for give up. You are not making this happen. It's saying, don't worry if it's to be fair, what they're saying is it's okay to be in that space. You belong there. Yes. And your fact that you're alone doesn't isn't weird, and you can entertain yourself by watching people make spectacles of themselves because at weddings, there's always someone who will. There's always somebody making a spectacle at a wedding, which I guess technically is a third reason I go to watch a spectacle.
SPEAKER_02To watch the spectacle happen. I think that's all right. There were definitely moments during the wedding where the folks that I had met were off doing their own thing or getting drinks or whatever.
SPEAKER_00They ditched you.
SPEAKER_02And I yeah, I was abandoned.
SPEAKER_00They drop you like a sack of wet wash.
SPEAKER_02And I was sitting by myself. Is she following us? You know, it I can't. She's walking around with her hands outstretched. Uh I can't, I can't claim that I was totally self-confident in those moments and just, you know, 100% present and enjoying the moment. There were there was definitely parts of my being that were like, oh, this is strange and awkward. And are, and but mostly it was like, are other people looking at me and I don't know, pitying me or judging me? Or are they like, what who's this person?
SPEAKER_00Who is this person? Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Mostly that was the thought going through my head.
SPEAKER_00That goes back to like your first day at a new school.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Where they say, Who's this person? Who are you? Right. Who's Caitlin? Yes. Looking around, and you're like, uh it's me. Let me give you a little massage. They finally conclude with if nothing goes well, yeah, and you're just feeling bad about it all, you've tried to talk to people, old people are snubbing you, you know, you just there's not enough drink, or you had too much, or whatever, it's just not going well. Don't blame yourself.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Just leave.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, just you know, I was talking to my mom after I went, and she was like, Man, that was so brave of you. I would never go to a wedding alone. But then she thought about it and she was like, you know, I think I would, but I would go if like the wedding was really nearby and I could just go and like see the ceremony and maybe be there for a little bit of the food, and then just say, Thanks for inviting me and head home.
SPEAKER_00I've done it many times as I stay as long as I feel like it's fun. Right. And even if it's all going great, but I feel like, you know what, that's I've done I've done this.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And um, I'm really good at sneaking out. Yeah. I don't make a big deal out of it. I just slip out like a like a bond villain.
SPEAKER_03Yes. I couldn't.
SPEAKER_00I wasn't sure where I was going. All right. So here's some things I've done by myself. I do I do lots of things by myself. Yeah. Because nobody likes me. Right. No, I actually like doing things by myself. I like groups, people. I like doing things in groups. I like my friends, but also I do a lot of things by myself. I've of course gone to lots of weddings by myself. I love traveling by myself. Nice. One thing about traveling by yourself, if you've never done it, is that no matter what you're doing, you're doing exactly what you want. And you don't have to ever say, is this going okay for you? Right. Do you mind walking up these 8,000 stairs? Yes. Do you like looking at these at this me? You know, do you like being in this museum right now? Are you okay?
SPEAKER_02You don't have to take care of your travel partner.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you don't have to, even if you are have a really good like understanding, you're good travelers together. It's always this little bit of like, uh, are you okay? Because I'm really getting off on like this fountain, and I can sit here for three hours and they're like looking at their watch, thinking, well, we've got to get some pizza.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00I like traveling with people and I've done that most of my life, but it's so nice to travel by yourself. It is nice on so many levels. I've gone out to dinner by myself. I have no problem sitting in a restaurant. I do not care if people feel sorry for me. Oh, I don't even care what they do. I mean, I'm having a great time. I've gone to the theater by myself, I've gone to the beach, I go on walks by myself. I love driving. I would have drive driven to Canada by myself, even if I wasn't going to the wedding. I just love driving. Museums, sporting events, on and on. What things, if any, besides going to weddings in a Winnebago that do you do alone? I just listed like 20 things that I do.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was thinking about this. I so like you were talking about loving traveling alone.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02And I think that for me, there are lots of things I love doing alone where I hit limitations are usually have to do with my perception of safety.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Particularly as a woman. Right. Is this actually safe for me to be alone doing this thing?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Uh I also go to shows alone quite a bit. Um I have I have traveled alone, but there was always people to like receive me on the other runs.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02I've never like backpacked alone. And the the only I was like, you know, is there a backpacking experience I would do alone out in the wilderness? And the only one I could come up with is I've always wanted to hike Hadrian's Wall, which is um stretches between the coasts of England.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_02And I think I would do that alone because I know there's other female backpackers who have done that journey alone. And there's like ins along the way, there's like checkpoints, you know. But I think I would prefer to do it with someone else.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, my sister, who's a big traveler, she's told me that same thing. And there have been times when I've gone with her on trips that I didn't want to go on because she said, Oh, I just, I just need you to walk around.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Next to me. I don't actually want to talk to you or do anything with you, but just be there.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00She because she says it's when you're a woman traveling alone in the world, it is a different experience than if there is a man present, which is a sad commentary, but that's it's according to Hertz, that's just the way it is.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, absolutely. Right.
SPEAKER_00So that okay, so maybe some of that, but other things. So you'll go out, will you go out to eat by yourself? Is that awkward for you to be sitting in a restaurant? Everybody's on a on a date or a meetup, and you're just sitting there by yourself with a turkey sandwich.
SPEAKER_02I have eaten alone. I don't think I've like taken myself out to a fancy restaurant alone. I will be in situations like I'm going to see a show alone, and so I'm gonna need to grab a bite to eat before I go. Yeah. And I'll do that. Okay. But you know, I do feel a little a little awkward. I do feel a little strange in those situations.
SPEAKER_00People feel, I think people do feel some stress uh being out at a restaurant by themselves. Not going to like Burger King or something. Yeah, yeah. But I mean like going out to a place where almost everyone else there is with somebody.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And I've seen people at nice restaurants like with a book.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I feel like I wouldn't do that. I would just go and just be there.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00I don't need to hide behind a book. But I I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying, like, just enjoy the moment.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Are there any things that you definitely would not do by yourself? Because I have some that I would not do by myself. And I feel like I am willing to do anything by myself, but then I thought, oh wait, there's three things I will not do by myself.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. One thing I don't want to do by myself ever is celebrate a holiday like Christmas. Okay. Alone. Good. And I was talking about this with my partner because he has celebr he has done Christmas uh two or three times. Yeah. Alone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02By himself.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we were together.
SPEAKER_00Wait.
SPEAKER_02What did So there were a couple of years where my partner worked for Target during their seasonal hire. So he was required to work on Christmas or on Boxing Day, like around that time. And there was one year that my dad came and picked me up and drove me back to their house in California. And I had Christmas with them and my partner had Christmas alone in Oregon because of his job.
SPEAKER_00That's interesting, but I certainly understand why that at a different point in my life that would have felt like I was losing life.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Why why am I by myself on Christmas? You know, you feel like a little bit like Charlie Brown and the trees busted, and yeah. Here are three things I won't do.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00There's no way you'll ever see me doing any one of these three things by myself. I do not have whatever it would take to do it. Number one, miniature golf.
SPEAKER_02You wouldn't do miniature golf by yourself?
SPEAKER_00Never in a million years. I don't care. Wow. Wow. You have just impressed the hell out of me, right?
SPEAKER_02But I would have to be, it would have to be like drunk. Nope.
SPEAKER_00No. Oh sorry.
SPEAKER_02It would have to be like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna treat myself. This will be fun. This is just for me. This is a I'm taking myself out on a date.
SPEAKER_00Oh wow.
SPEAKER_02If I go with that attitude, I can enjoy I think I think I could enjoy that experience.
SPEAKER_00It's interesting that now see uh we've had a status reversal, we've rolled reverse. I would never I just feel like miniature golf. The only thing that's worse than going by yourself to miniature golf would be the guys who go and are serious about it. Yeah, no, that wouldn't be my getting angry at the clown or the windmill.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_00Damn that windmill! Yes. So uh number two. I think we're gonna disagree on this one too. Ice skating. Ice skating. I would not go ice skating by myself. I used to do a lot of ice skating as a kid because there were so few things to do. So I know how to ice skate. Yeah. But I would not go by myself. I feel like ice skating is a group activity or at least one person. Really? You should be with one person.
SPEAKER_02I feel like ice skating can be tricky as a group activity, particularly if you have different skill levels. Like often, like I've gone with friends to go ice skating, but then we kind of disperse because that's okay, but you're doing the activity together.
SPEAKER_00Together. You're lacing up your skates together, you're getting a a Mai Thai on the break together. Right. You're comparing notes together. Every once in a while you skate by each other. Look, if you see a dude skating at an ice skating rink by himself, I guarantee you he is a serial killer. Yikes. That's for sure. Number three, bowling. I will not go bowling by myself.
SPEAKER_02You won't go bowling by yourself.
SPEAKER_00I cannot imagine any circumstance where I would find myself at a bowling alley, commandeering a lane by myself, you know, and I am lucky enough to bowl a strike, and who am I strutting for?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You kind of do that bowling stuff. Yeah, right. You do a little thing.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I agree with that. I actually want to change my answer.
SPEAKER_00I for changing answers, please.
SPEAKER_02I don't think I would I would miniature golf by myself, but I would definitely ice skate by myself.
SPEAKER_00I start liking you again just now. So I want to advocate for more solo time. I want put I'm gonna advocate for people to find more solo time. And I know there are people listening and they have a house full of hangers on and they they are nodding their head, yes, of course I want that. I can't get it. I'm being followed around by a bunch of ankle biters or a bunch of parents or somebody's always on me. Right. But I'm not really just saying, you know, everyone should have time alone. I think you should build into your routine, your life plan, finding yourself by yourself, doing anything. You should build it in because when you are in the world by yourself, it's a different experience. You learn different things about yourself, you learn different things about other people. I would even argue that you act differently, you become like this person, like you were at this wedding. Like, hello.
SPEAKER_02Please, please take me into your home. Oh dear God.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, things happen. So when I travel by myself, it's not just that I get to do everything I want to do, although it is that. But I find myself, when I'm by myself, whether I'm traveling or not, just being in the world, you encounter people differently. And you're more likely to have conversations with a stranger that you would not have because most people, when they see you're with somebody else and you're talking to them, they don't really approach you. Right. And you don't approach them, you just kind of see them and then you walk by. And I have found myself out in the world by myself, and I have conversations with people that I would never talk to.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Ever if I was with somebody else. And that just opens a door.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_00All these doors open. I think you feel more accomplished when you do things by yourself, even if it's just taking a walk in your neighborhood. Absolutely. You feel more in control when you're out by yourself and you're not in the bubble of a group or another person. These bubbles, I don't mind the bubbles. I like the bubbles, but sometimes these bubbles interfere with our. Ability to encounter the world as it is. It filters everything. And then you do different things like go to the penis museum in Iceland. Like I probably wouldn't have done that if you and I were traveling. I wouldn't say, Hey Caitlin, you want to go to the penis museum?
SPEAKER_02Because you probably not. Did you actually go to the penis museum? Of course. Is there a pen first of all, is there a penis museum in Iceland?
SPEAKER_00In Reykjavik.
SPEAKER_02Well, now I do kind of want to go. It's pretty cool. I just need to see.
SPEAKER_00They have penises from all kinds of formerly living things, including whale penises.
SPEAKER_02Oh, oh, this okay. I was kind of picturing it like an art gallery, but no, these are like actual.
SPEAKER_00These are actual, actual yeah, peanut peep penal activity.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00Peep pee pee pee, as Mel Brooks would say. Um, yeah, so it's fascinating and weird. Yeah. But it's fun. It's like things like that. I don't know. Do you do that? Uh maybe you do it with other people, but you could, but but I just think different things happen. And I also am gonna advocate for when you do your walk or you do your traveling, you get in your Winnebago, whatever. If you're walking around with your phone looking at it, yes, you're in a you're in your phone bubble, you're not really there. Yes. So you're not really by yourself, right? And that's what I see most people doing, all ages. All you know, you get on an elevator, people immediately go into their phone to get into their bubble so they can hide.
SPEAKER_02It's very scary to be by ourselves.
SPEAKER_00I know. So the phone bubble makes us feel like, hey, we're not alone because I'm texting someone who I don't even like, right? Who lives 5,000 miles from here.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Who lives on what's it called? The island of Vancouver. Of lying Canadians. That's wow. They will trick you. You know what it is? They're bamboozlers up there. We have Canadian listeners and they know what I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, please direct your strongly worded emails to Caitlin.
SPEAKER_00No. So any kind of buffer between you and the world you're encountering interferes with the solo time. But I I feel like we are really isolated from we've isolated ourselves, we've disconnected ourselves from real life.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, ironically enough, we we are isolated and yet we are in need of being alone with ourselves.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we're isolated through, I mean, we we are connected with people all the time through screens. So we're always looking at a screen and we're we feel connected, but it I don't feel like it's genuine and it actually insulates us from the real world. So what I'm saying is put your phone away and just walk out and take a two-mile walk with no purpose. You're not going anywhere, you're just walking by yourself. And I guarantee it will even just doing that one time, take a 40-minute walk or an hour walk with no purpose, no direction, you're just on a walk, no phone bubble, no human bubble, you will be changed.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Somehow. You'll because you'll start thinking about things, you'll mull.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. I yeah, all the time. I feel like that was a big muller. One of the yeah, I am. I think one of the best things that came out of going to the wedding was that I was forced into um forced by choice, right? By going alone, but I was in this position where I had to I had to meet people, I had to make friends with people. And so I had all these experiences where like I had had this plan to take an Uber to the ferry, and I got in the Uber, and the Uber turned out to be this incredible tour guide, and he listened to my plan and he was like, This is a terrible plan. Like, you should do this instead. And I was like, Oh my God, thank you. You're like saving me money. Um, and so he went out of his way to make sure that like I got to the ferry in the way that I needed to. And none of that would have happened, I think, if I had been traveling with someone else and we'd had like a careful plan all set out. And just being by myself meant I had to rely on other people and going, hey, can you help me? Like, I can't get Wi-Fi. Can I, you know, borrow your Wi-Fi for a few minutes? Yes. And while we're in there, oh, we're talking about theater. Oh, you do this. Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_00That's a great, that's a great way to bring it back. That's exactly the kind of thing that I'm talking about. And I guess I want to close by asking you, but you know, when you had to drive back, so you were gassing up to Winnebago. It takes about 100 gallons to go 13 miles.
SPEAKER_02For the record, I don't have a Winnebago. Just for the record.
SPEAKER_00Wow. I don't have a Winnebago. Gosh.
SPEAKER_02I've ruined the illusion. I've shown that.
SPEAKER_00Why don't you tell people about Santa and the tooth fairy while you're at it? Gosh. After you did that and you're driving back and you're reflecting on all that you did and the experience itself, did you feel a little pride in your ability to pull that off?
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It's all good, right?
SPEAKER_02I did that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And that's I think what's so cool about that is all this is what happens when you do things by yourself. Things that you feel safe doing, of course. But when you do things by yourself, you feel some increased control in your life. You feel proud of that. It's not like overwhelming joy and pride, but it just gives you a little shot in the arm. And it's nice. Yeah. And it doesn't cost anything.
SPEAKER_02Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00You don't have to, you don't have to pay money to go out to dinner. You can sit on a bench and eat a hoagie. I want to thank you, Caitlin, for talking about being a loner.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're welcome.
SPEAKER_00You did a good job at that wedding. You did almost all the things that they said you should do, and it worked for you. And I want to thank everyone for listening. If you want to reach out to us, we're on Instagram. You can send us an email. The email's in the show notes. We like hearing from you. We really like any kind of positive comments you can make because I don't know if you know this, but we're independent. Compliments and encouragement is really the currency of our lives right now. So we appreciate that. And we appreciate you sharing the show with someone you think might like hearing us discuss all the different topics that we do. And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are line dancing with the hunchback or just someone driving a Winnebago on a casino binge, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody.