Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME IF I LIKE BEING SINGLE?
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Tracey joins Ross to explain why choosing to be single is not only okay, but comes with benefits. Tangents include: Pet dating; Koi ponds; Pippi the new dog; The Power of NOW; marinating in discomfort; anthropomorphizing; taxidermy.
Notes:
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202109/why-certain-people-love-being-single
- https://www.thetoptens.com/pets/best-house-pets/
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
Those like you need a person.
SPEAKER_03You show up and everybody's coupled up like they're at dinner, and you're the single person. Everybody's giving you the stink eye. Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder, what and why? I'm Ross, your host, and my guest today is Scholastic, Athletic, Empathic, and Artistic. It's Tracy. Wow!
SPEAKER_01I'm back. I love it. And every time you come up with all these adjectives for me, I'm like, oh, I should get this in a book.
SPEAKER_03Welcome, Tracy, and we will get that book to you. We are glad to have you. We're glad everyone is back to visit with us, and we appreciate you listening each week. We also appreciate if you share the show with people you think might enjoy one of our many episodes. We've got over a hundred episodes, and they're almost all different every once in a while. You know, we cover some topics. For example, we know that relationships are a core aspect of being a human, and we have delved into many facets of relationships right here on our little show with you as a guest.
SPEAKER_01It's been so much fun. Every time.
SPEAKER_03We've talked about love languages and dating and marriage and exes and so many things related to that topic. But we also know that some people sometimes would rather be single. That's right. They're single by choice. They're going solo in the world and feeling good about it. So I knew it was time to talk to the show's resident relationship expert. That's you. About about intentionally being single. Um, because that's an interesting topic to me, especially after reading an article about people who say they would rather have a relationship with a pet than a human being.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03They choose animals over people. And uh so I read this article and I'm like, okay, what are the reasons that people go human-free and stick with their animals? They date their animals, pet dates. The here are the things that I pulled out of this article. Drama-free, no drama with a pet.
SPEAKER_01Typically.
SPEAKER_03Sometimes, depending on how you define drama.
SPEAKER_01I was thinking that, but not human-like drama.
SPEAKER_03Not human drama, but you know, sometimes you walk in a house and there's a Lincoln log waiting for you, and you're kind of, you know, that's that is no irritating behavior.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's not true.
SPEAKER_03I know. Dogs are irritating. I've had dogs my whole life and they can they can do stuff.
SPEAKER_01Oh, they do.
SPEAKER_03Especially when you're not there.
SPEAKER_01Especially. But even when you're there. Sometimes. But not human irritating behaviors.
SPEAKER_03Not again, not human irritating. Not human irritating. I've never met a sarcastic dog.
SPEAKER_01Well. I guess that's all how we uh what uh anthropomorph anth what's that word?
SPEAKER_03Anthropomorphize. Poe, like po-boy.
SPEAKER_01Anthropomorphi.
SPEAKER_03Anthropomorphize.
SPEAKER_01There we go.
SPEAKER_03And what does it mean? Not that you're throwing it around.
SPEAKER_01Well, it means when you give animals, or you you you basically you project human feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas onto an animal.
SPEAKER_03Right, which anyone who's ever owned a pet would do that.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_03It's drama-free, no irritating behavior, that's questionable. No dating angst, like working on an app. Well, sure. Do they have pet date apps? Petfinder. Okay. I like that. Uh some surveys showed 25% of pet owners delayed or chose not to date because of bonds with their pets.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Some expert in like you. But it wasn't you. Sure. Some experts said relationships involve three basic brain systems: sex drive, romantic love, and deep attachment.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_03And they said that if you're dating a pet, you're only getting that third thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You're not getting sex. Well, we hope. And you're not getting a romantic love.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03Uh, but you do get that attachment. Yes. So pets only can do one out of the three, but a lot of people apparently are saying that's good enough.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03One lady in the article said, dogs are better than people, which I kind of feel like might be true.
SPEAKER_01I it's not not true.
SPEAKER_03But it doesn't mean that's I mean, it's interesting. What this person was quoted as saying, I feel like I I spent a lot of time in the past contorting myself and my life for my relationships with my dog. There's no bending over backward, and there's never any fighting.
SPEAKER_01Well, that is yeah. I mean, I get it. I get it to some degree.
SPEAKER_03It makes sense.
SPEAKER_01It does.
SPEAKER_03You know, they say they feel emotionally supported by their pets. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, you get the oxytocin, you get some serotonin heads.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they get that stuff. I've just I've always had dogs. I'm pretty sure that the only reason that they do all the things they do is because we're a meal ticket to them.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You got a dog in your car right now.
SPEAKER_00I do.
SPEAKER_03It's a new dog. Another new dog. Well the first one didn't make the cut.
SPEAKER_01Didn't make the cut.
SPEAKER_03I don't know what happened.
SPEAKER_01That's a medical issue. Oh, that's too bad.
SPEAKER_03Was it because you were you slow poisoning it? Yes. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that's what was happening. So the next one. She didn't do that. I did not. I never would.
SPEAKER_03She would never do that to a pet.
SPEAKER_01That's true.
SPEAKER_03But anyway, so the new dog's name is what?
SPEAKER_01Pippi.
SPEAKER_03Pippi. And Pippi's gotta be a little dog.
SPEAKER_01She is a little dog. I never thought I'd be a little dog person. And I have become a little dog person. I'm so head over heels in love with this dog. She is a seven-year-old Chihuahua, rat, terrier, Jack Russell mix.
SPEAKER_03Well, you can forget about all your throw pillows. They're a history.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, she doesn't destroy things.
SPEAKER_03Yet.
SPEAKER_01True.
SPEAKER_03But she's older, so she's a little more mellow.
SPEAKER_01She well, I wouldn't call her mellow, but she's not puppy destructive.
SPEAKER_03She's less manic.
SPEAKER_01She's anxious. She's I'm her seventh home. Oh my gosh, why can't why can't she uh make a mistake? Life did not work well for her. It was more the people problems than the her problems.
SPEAKER_03Is she breaking promises right and left?
SPEAKER_01I it seems like it. Seems like it. I am Pippi's person and she uh just perks up. She's in the car now. When I go out, she'll be waiting for me.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Um I I am considering medicating her um to manage some of her anxiety. It's high. It's real high.
SPEAKER_00Wow.
SPEAKER_01But you know, I my kids are older, and I'll tell you what, and I am a single person, and that dog is so snuggly, and I've never had a dog that slept in the bed with me before, and this one does, and it's the best thing ever.
SPEAKER_03Those little dogs will get into the sack.
SPEAKER_01Man, she snuggles right up.
SPEAKER_03So I get it too. I mean, I get it. Congratulations on your new Pippi. And by the way, you would never name a big dog Pippy, it would just be such a horrible misnomer. And it'd be stressful for everyone.
SPEAKER_01And I'll she came with the name, but it fits her.
SPEAKER_03It fits. I'm sure it fits. Little dogs, Pippi, yeah. And I will say there, I'm not I'm a big dog person, but there have been little dogs that have been brought into my life and or weird, weirdly shaped dogs. Right. But as soon as you get to know them, you're totally into it. Right. So you just, you know, it's like meeting a new person on the bus. At first, maybe they're weird and don't smell right.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_03But then you get to know them and then they become your best friends. There we go. I'm not convinced that these dogs in particular, forget about cats. Cats are doing their own thing. Right. They put up with you. But the dogs, they're really cool and they're really affectionate and they're really attentive and they're always on, they're ready to go. But to me, after watching them for years and years and being with them, I'm just convinced that whoever is dishing out the food is the person they love. And if I take any of my dog, no matter how close I was to them, and you say, You're living here now, and these people will feed you, yeah. I s I think I really, I mean, that would do be the dog equivalent of a shoulder shrug and then okay. It'd be like, Well, okay, see you later. These are my food people. All right, that's all I need is food people.
SPEAKER_01I think they live very much in the moment.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03They eat the now.
SPEAKER_01Right? I mean, they are such the power of now futures.
SPEAKER_03The power of now. And is that a religious TV show? It should be.
SPEAKER_01A power! It's Eckhart Tole. Eckhart Tole. Yeah. Which one? How do you say his last name?
SPEAKER_03I say toll, but I don't know how to say it.
SPEAKER_01I don't either. Anyway, we know who it is.
SPEAKER_03But I know who it is. So I get a point for that. Power of now. One point.
SPEAKER_01One point for Ross. We'll keep track over the course. So far I've got one point.
SPEAKER_03And I also do anthropomorphize, but then as you were questioning it, I started. I'm giving myself a half point for that.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I would like a point for having brought that word up.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna it's gonna go under under advisement. Okay, fair. It's gonna be reviewed. There's an asterisk. All right, I we'll come back to it.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's fair.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01So the dogs, I think, I get it. And I and I think, man, coming home and having someone there. And you had a dog and now you don't. You haven't for a few years now. Right. A couple years?
SPEAKER_03A couple years, yeah, no dog. And I miss them. Right. Yeah, they're great. They're always there. Yeah, they're always ready for you. They're always glad to see you. They are because you feed them. Yeah. Now, I'm not saying they don't do all those things. See, right. They they used to be the wolves around the ancient campfire. Sure. So the wolves around the ancient campfire, some of those wolves realized that if they were nicer to the cave people, then they got some scraps.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Or something good would happen with the food.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So, or they stole it when the cave people fell asleep. But whatever, whatever it was, they learned those behaviors.
SPEAKER_01But it was they have adapted to us over time.
SPEAKER_03And it's magnificent. I love the story of their evolution. However, it's all been food-based. They weren't hanging around the campfire to hang with us.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03Because they are our dating partners.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03They wanted some meatloaf or something.
SPEAKER_01Well, and the yes, and the other side of that, right? I mean, I man, I've also have grown up with dogs, love dogs. There have been very few times in my life when I haven't had a dog in my life. Um and I really enjoy them. However, it is not a reciprocal relationship the same way a friendship or a rant romantic partnership is.
SPEAKER_03No, I don't think so. And I think there's sort of a placeholder. I mean, it just because you have a pet doesn't mean at some point you're not interested in attaching to another human someday. I just think that some people find that either because they've had a lot of breakups or a lot of bad situations, they're coming out of a bad situation, or they're just tired of the effort. They they kind of take respite with having a pet at home and feel like, okay, I can get by. Well, and I and that's enough for now. But I don't think I don't think they're forever, most people, I don't think they're forever foregoing humans.
SPEAKER_01I don't think it's most people, but I I think there are people that um aren't interested in romantic partnerships.
SPEAKER_03I'm so sick of them.
SPEAKER_01Society does not make much room for them.
SPEAKER_03No, not at all.
SPEAKER_01Society does not make much room for choosing to be single.
SPEAKER_03Right. It's weird.
SPEAKER_01We are made for coupledom. Right. Like our tax system. Right. It we are it is so incentivized to couple up or to be married. Like medical decisions, financial decisions, like who gets to sell your house if you die. Like those, like you need a person.
SPEAKER_03You show up and everybody's coupled up, like at a dinner, and you're the single person. Everybody's giving you the stink eye.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah. And I remember when I got divorced and then I stopped going to um my kids' school auctions because all the tables where you sit for the auction are coupled up. Nobody wants you at their table because then they're an odd one.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you're a serial killer or something. Totally. At a surface level, I get what these people are doing. They got a dog, they got a cat, they're tired of dating, or they're just, you know, they don't, they're not in a place where they want to be with another person in that way. Right. And so they say, hey, I'm happy with my pet. But I think once you start moving off dogs and cats, it stuck doesn't sound so rosy to me. Like, okay, let's instead of a dog or a cat.
SPEAKER_01A turtle.
SPEAKER_03Instead of Pippi or uh what's a cat name? Sonny is your dog name. What's a cat name?
SPEAKER_01Fluffy.
SPEAKER_03Dr. Perkins. Kevin. Kevin. You get a bird.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03A turtle, you said.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Rabbit. How about somebody with a snake rather than a human?
SPEAKER_01Well, I people like this. I don't.
SPEAKER_03Fish? No, but in just in terms of what you get back. What are you getting back from a fish?
SPEAKER_01I don't get it.
SPEAKER_03Don't struggle. It's nothing. The fish fish are giving nothing to us. I don't think they don't even look at us, or if they are, it's weird with the side eye.
SPEAKER_01They're they're calming to watch.
SPEAKER_03I get nothing from fish.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I like watching them.
SPEAKER_03I can watch them for 10 seconds. If I'm watching a fish more than 10 seconds, call 911. I'm having a stroke. I mean, how I like you go, I go to this place around here, the Japanese gardens, and they have a koi pond. Beautiful fish. Beautiful koi in the pond.
SPEAKER_01Gorgeous.
SPEAKER_03How long do you stand sit there watching those fish?
SPEAKER_01Oh, honestly, I can do it for quite a bit of time.
SPEAKER_03Well, the what's what's your record?
SPEAKER_01Well, I have not timed myself.
SPEAKER_03Has it been over a minute? I did not. A minute?
SPEAKER_01Probably five.
SPEAKER_03Were you stuck in the mud? Were you caught in a was your shoelace caught on a it felt kind of meditative?
SPEAKER_01Koi wing and calming.
SPEAKER_03It was just a place to just well, that's what it's supposed to be. I think I have the wrong temperament for the koi pod. That's why there's a sign. There's a sign with my picture on it directing me away.
SPEAKER_01Pig goat, mice.
SPEAKER_03I just think if someone says, you know what, I'd rather just be with my mouse in a cage than go on a date, doesn't it sound worse than when they say dog or cat?
SPEAKER_01Well, for me it does.
SPEAKER_03I think for everyone. It sounds worse. So what I'm suggesting is, you know, this whole pet idea, pet rather than human idea, pet substitution. I know everyone can become attached to anything. There are people that have snails as pets.
SPEAKER_01I mean, there are people who fall in love with objects.
SPEAKER_03I uh one of my kids had like a beetle, a like a I don't know if it was a cockroach or a some kind of beetle Japanese beetle as a pet.
SPEAKER_01Was it what was its name?
SPEAKER_03I don't remember. But it did have a name, and uh like Henry, that wasn't it, but it had a name, and they I think it had some medical, I mean, like beetle having a medical issue. I think they tried to get it treatment. I mean, yeah.
SPEAKER_01How were they adults or children?
SPEAKER_03They were an adult. Wow, they were not a child. People can become attached to any of the things. I'm not saying they can't or they shouldn't, but with this.
SPEAKER_01It speaks to the like we are wired for connection.
SPEAKER_03Right. But I'm just saying when people say, hey, I'm just more comfortable right now being with a pet at home than I am seeking a mate, yeah. It's just starts falling apart when that pet is a gopher.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, that's at least a mammal.
SPEAKER_03Or a squirrel. Well, I yeah.
SPEAKER_01Those are mammals.
SPEAKER_03So you well, you draw the line at reptiles and amphibians and junk.
SPEAKER_01I do, I do.
SPEAKER_03So on the one hand, I've I've been at places in my life where taking a break from dating has been a good thing, even a great thing, you know, discover, rediscover who you are. It can really work wonders in terms of your personal growth. But at some point, at some point, unless you're one of those people living in a shack in the woods with no electricity, you kind of start wanting that human connection again. So I'm gonna ask you a personal question. What's the longest time you have been single? Meaning either not in a relationship or not really dating at all. So you could be dating a little, but you're not in a relationship. You could be completely single in terms of not dating at all. What what's the longest time you've been in that category?
SPEAKER_01I mean, I am a serial monogamist. Um, so uh probably two years.
SPEAKER_03Okay, I didn't know what you were gonna say. Five minutes. Two weeks. Actually, can you hold on a minute? I've got someone in a car and it's not Pippi. Two years, yeah. Okay, two years, that's a pretty long time. I think most people would consider that a decent chunk. And what was your experience? What was that like for you to be single that long for two years?
SPEAKER_01I'm currently in that stretch.
SPEAKER_03Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm currently in that stretch.
SPEAKER_03How does that feel?
SPEAKER_01Uh great, actually.
SPEAKER_03Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, great.
SPEAKER_03So you don't mind it?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03What what do you what do you see as the parts that are beneficial to you, the aspects of it that you really like?
SPEAKER_01So it's interesting. So I I date men and women.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01Um the I have really been thinking a lot about what happens if I remove the thought or the pressure of the male gaze.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01How does my life change? Yeah. What do I change? How do I change inside? If I just take that off the table, what shifts? How do I not perform for different things? How do I, you know, think about that differently? That's been a fascinating personal exploration of what that is.
SPEAKER_03And what happened, what's the main thing that's happened?
SPEAKER_01Freedom.
SPEAKER_03Freedom.
SPEAKER_01Freedom. Like a lot of freedom of just being like, well, what do I want? What works for me? What do I like doing? What brings me joy? Um, you know, I'll sit at home sometimes and be like, oh, am I lonely? Oh no, I'm just bored. I should probably go find something to do. What do I want to do? What do I want to do? Would I want someone else here right now? And often the answer is no, not really.
SPEAKER_03Unless it's Ross coming over to play Scrabble, which I'm all for. I think that's really cool. And it's funny that you said freedom because I was reading another article about what are the benefits of being single.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And what the first one that pops out is you just kind of rediscover your freedom. Yeah. And I think that's awesome. And I want to talk about that. I would say my singlehood has gone longer. This may be my fourth year. During that time, I found the time that I was single, I found that I was much more interested in developing relationships with other people, seeking out my friends. A lot more effort put to reaching out to people. And I also think one of the things that happened is I really was able to focus on what kind of person I'm actually looking for, as opposed to who can I find? Oh, right. Who's breathing right now? It's like, well, no, what do I really want? And it was, and this will sound pretty silly, but I had not spent a lot of time, any other time in my life, thinking about that. Because I just went from one long-term relationship to the next. And I never really sat down and said, but what do I really want? I would kind of discover that in the relationship, which is not always a good idea.
SPEAKER_01No, no.
SPEAKER_03But the other thing that happened is I found that I was more creative and more productive in that part of my life. Yeah. That was interesting. And I think part of that's a function of just taking your energy that you're pouring into some to a relationship and pouring it into projects, but not as busy work, but as a self-expression. And just so there was just a lot more connection with other people, with my art, with my theater, with my performance, and just being, you know, out in the world. This podcast is a result in part of the pandemic, which caused isolation, which caused me to think about how can I be out? How can I reach out to people in this situation? But I want to ask you in your professional capacity, is there anything wrong with a person if they choose to be single?
SPEAKER_01Well, in my professional capacity, I rarely say that there's something wrong with someone. It's bad for business. But it I also don't believe it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I I think that there are different, you know, I it's so cliched, but different. seasons, right, of when you're uncovering the onion of yourself of like really understanding yourself more. So I think there are times when being single makes sense for people. I also think that it is only within the context of relationships that certain buttons get pushed. Right. Like there is no better therapist than a really good working relationship.
SPEAKER_03Oh, wow. There's no better therapist than a really good working relationship. What do you mean by that?
SPEAKER_01Well, because you regularly get the opportunity to practice emotional regulation, getting your buttons pushed, interacting with another person and having to really consider another person, empathy, boundaries, having difficult conversations, being uncomfortable, getting comfortable, creating something, really collaborating on a really secure functioning relationship is such a cool thing to collaborate on.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01And when you do that, you get more and more secure yourself. Okay. And when you have that, you have more freedom in the world. You have more emotional safety. And a therapist can only give you so much of that. And that's a person to practice that with you know as often as you want to spend time with them. And even when you're not with them, you are considering them.
SPEAKER_03And you usually don't have to pay the person you're in a relationship with.
SPEAKER_01I mean that's up to the people in the relationship, right?
SPEAKER_03Usually though.
SPEAKER_01Typically.
SPEAKER_03Typically I mean you can.
SPEAKER_01Sure. But yes, I mean that you know it it's the therapist definitely wants dough. I will want to be paid.
SPEAKER_03Yeah you're going to want some cash. Yes. You don't it's not a barter system. No. If someone brings you a couple of chickens you're like uh no I need actual coinage. You kind of foreshadow the the one of the top reasons experts say that being single can be a healthy choice. And that the first one is we have this experience of freedom. And for some people if they've been in a lot of long-term relationships it may be the first time they've actually really discovered that that sense of freedom. And I think that can be really fantastic and very exhilarating but I also think initially it can be a little scary. It's like you're saying it's like oh I got free time what do I do?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Am I am I a nobody if I right and and do like what's a good way for someone to like discover what they do when they're by themselves if they're like kind of have anxiety about I I don't know what I am without somebody else. I don't know who I am.
SPEAKER_01Yeah well first of all sit in that discomfort and wow marinate in that discomfort marinate in that discomfort like oh wow I have created my identity around another person for a long time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Huh interesting now what Yeah you're kind of a mean therapist aren't you sit in that for a while. See how that put that put that uncomfortable suit of clothes on walking I get what you're saying though it makes sense.
SPEAKER_01Yeah but it is but then it's yeah I mean I I remember for myself when I first got I got divorced 10 years ago and we've been together for 20 years.
SPEAKER_03Oh that's a long time it's a long time from 20 to 40 right wow age 20 to 40 your salad days.
SPEAKER_01Oh right yes your halcyon days yeah all of that so it's when you were anthropomorphizing. Oh yes exactly so I remember and then we had a 50-50 parenting plan. So 50% of the time I was like I don't know at first I was like I'm not sure what to do with my right self. And then um I decided that what I would do would I was I would start finding activities that I felt uncomfortable in. Right. Because I wanted to sit in discomfort and explore that feeling and push those edges and be curious about what that was like so my world could get bigger.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's what I did. Yeah. Right? So I did a whole bunch of things like improv was one of the things I tried which I'm still doing oil painting like lots of different art mediums.
SPEAKER_03She's a really good artist folks oh thank you. I've seen her junk. Oh it's I mean her paintings clarify what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01We're just friends. We're just friends no junk sharing.
SPEAKER_03No one has made a weird wink.
SPEAKER_01No one's winking but we do like to scrabble.
SPEAKER_03We do scrabble and that also is not a metaphor for no literally play scrabble so back to you. So back to me. Yeah so you you started developing you started trying new things and I did finding where the excitement and joy would be.
SPEAKER_01And I also found that the like life box that I thought I was trying to fit myself in that I didn't really feel like I fit in didn't have to contain me. I could actually go do all these other things that and so I found other friends and other things. And you know so many of my friends at that time had been made around like my kids and then I started realizing well I don't fit there anymore.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Because I'm now the single person. But I found that those friendships didn't fit as much anymore. So then I really had to like get comfortable with being uncomfortable. And now I really enjoy that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah I I mean I really think that's right on it's spot on. I think that when you you it's just little things you have freedom over just when you go to sleep, what you watch what you do when you exercise if you exercise what you eat. Yes some people like are in relationships and the other partners like on them about their food or their clothes or their weight or how they behave. And it's just like it's nice to be free of that and go, you know if I want to stay up all night uh-huh you know uh watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune I can just do that. You can and I don't even have to tell anybody. Nobody has to know. They don't and that can be liberating and then that can expand into just choosing other behaviors and other activities. I might not say yes to everything but people would say you want to do this thing and I would just say yes without really thinking about is this something I like to do. Same. It's just like let's just say yes to it.
SPEAKER_01Which also the freedom of not being in a relationship is not to be like well let me check with Susan.
SPEAKER_03Let me check with Susan.
SPEAKER_01Right? Because I don't know what we have on our calendar this week. Right.
SPEAKER_03Right. And just the idea where if it's something you know that your partner doesn't like then it kind of makes it harder to do it or if you have responsibility, you know.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03So there's just that freedom and it can be really liberating. It can be a little anxiety producing but Tracy says live in that stew in it and see where it takes you. And who knows where it does take you it might even you might change your job you could change all kinds of things meet all kinds of new people start all kinds of new things and that can be really fun and studies have shown that people who feel more freedom in their life are happier.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know they feel they have choices.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_03When you are single instead of shrinking away from the world you tend to reach out more.
SPEAKER_01Yeah that's true.
SPEAKER_03And so single people tend to actually be more connected to people in a fixed couple because the couple is kind of like its own microcosm and it's a bubble that is a little bit insulated from things. And the things that you do with other people tend to be couples things. But when you're a lone goose when you're a loser no when you're when you're a single person you can suddenly do anything. Yes you're it's like on the one hand yeah I'm not with anybody but on the other hand I can do anything. I can be anywhere. Yeah it's so easy when you just realize oh wait everything is open to me now.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Anything and a lot of times if you're and we talked about this on a recent podcast about going to weddings alone but there are other things that you can you might be able to do it just it's easier to get like one ticket sometimes to an event. Yeah if you're like I really want to go to this I don't really have anybody to go with if I just go by myself I can buy one ticket and there's a lot of odd one tickets for sale right yeah and you're there. You don't have to worry about getting side by side seats.
SPEAKER_01You know I've also liked traveling by myself.
SPEAKER_03Oh yeah we talked about that.
SPEAKER_01Not always like sometimes it's nice to go with someone else but sometimes you're like you're traveling you're like I'm going to go exactly where I want to go I don't have to worry about anyone else or if they want to leave here how long do I want to be in this when you travel alone or when you do anything alone I find that you tend to interact with people more and people interact more with you because they don't feel like you're walled off with a relationship.
SPEAKER_03If they see another person they figure you you don't you're doing that yeah and and the people that try to break into that usually you know they're they're kind of weird.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But when you're single people say oh here's here's a person on their own they just feel more comfortable talking to you and you find yourself in conversations with people and it just expands your world significantly.
SPEAKER_01And I think the other thing that it does is that when because this isn't the only time I've been single I think it's just one of the longer stretches. I've had another you know year or two stretch here year or two stretch there. But the um is that uh then when you're in a couple again you have more practice saying here's what I want to do here's what I like um no that's okay I'm gonna go on my own. You know, and then you there's there's more freedom within the relationship to not just be like, oh now I go back into the comfort of the smallness that a relationship can bring but I can have both the comfort of that relationship and the expansiveness. And if you haven't had the expansiveness and the freedom of being single for periods of time in like adulthood, not you know when you're in your teen years or early 20s but in adulthood then um I I think you're just more willing within a relationship to say oh no I'm gonna go do that with a friend or I'm gonna go do that on my own or right. And so I think you have more comfort with that because you're like no no no I know how to go to a wedding by myself I'm good. You don't need to come.
SPEAKER_03And if you're the kind of person who really values that solitary time whether it's just chill time or whether it's you need to go to your ecstatic dance or you need to you know play play your baseball whatever your thing is that you need to do on your own if you discover that while you're single you're absolutely right you can bring that into the relationship and what I have learned which took me a long time to learn is to say that out loud when I meet somebody it's like hey one thing you need to know about me is that I don't have a criminal record and I have a strong desire to do a bunch of independent things. Yeah. But I I it's not that I am emotionally unavailable or it's not that I'm dodging commitment. It's just this is part of the stuff that I like to do. Yeah. And I'm not really that person who's just let's let's you know join at the hip and do everything together. Because some couples function very well that way and that's all they want. They just want to do everything together. That's not that's not me either but knowing that you know and then saying it out loud then helps me identify people who are more likely to be okay with that because not everyone is okay with the kind of freedom I need.
SPEAKER_01Because I also like just quiet alone time. Quiet alone time I like being at home alone with no TV or music or podcaster and just quiet. Oh you're in a cult of one some analyses of some research shows that people who live alone are typically less lonely than people who live with others that's counterintuitive oh I don't know you've lived with people and I've lived with people and they've a lot of people I have I've lived with a few too and I have never been more lonely than in a house with someone that I'm disconnected from yes it feels horrible awful the loneliness I feel when I'm alone at my house I'm like oh yeah I guess I'm kind of lonely what do I want to do about that yeah and it's it's not being afraid of being alone gives you so much power in the world.
SPEAKER_03Yeah because that's the big threat.
SPEAKER_00Right?
SPEAKER_03I once had a girlfriend who was pretty uh pretty she said a lot of funny things unintentionally and one day she was really mad at me she said you're gonna die alone and I th I it just struck me as so funny. She didn't mean it to be but I said well doesn't everybody come does anybody go with you? I mean maybe you die at the same time but you go down different tubes in junk. Yeah you know so it's like but anyway I just thought it was so funny because she was trying to tell me that my independence was going to be my undoing. And you're like uh-huh and it's sort of like and I think these kinds of these are these are almost subliminal in Western cultures like being alone there's something wrong with you being alone is wrong. Anytime you turn on a movie or you're turning on a commercial anything you're watching or reading it's not going to be on unless there's a relationship involved. Right and where people are seeking those kinds of romantic relationships. So we're constantly being told that being alone isn't right. Yes and you know people do want the gene pool to continue. I mean biologically we're kind of wired to keep it going it doesn't have to be a curse it doesn't have to be a feeling of doom once you sit in it for a while uh some long-term studies show that people who marry do not become lastingly happier I'm reading a quote I don't know if I would phrase it that way um they basically what it's saying is if you get married you don't become any more happy right than you were when you were single.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03It can happen but it's not like oh I'm married now so now I was happy when I was single now I'm going to be more happy.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03And I think they don't say this but I'm wondering if there's a lot of people that actually become less happy because they lose that sense of freedom. They they're subordinating their needs and values and they're not talking about what they need and they're not implementing their values and then they feel like they're trapped in a bad situation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And then they take up a hobby like taxidermy in the basement so they can just be alone.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_03Because nobody if you're doing if you're stuffing animals in your basement talking about pets right if you're stuffing lizards and animals and whatever you're stuffing down in the basement everybody's just gonna leave you to it.
SPEAKER_01Unless you're a couple who wants to do that together.
SPEAKER_03And see then that's just wrong.
SPEAKER_01I don't why are why are we deciding that's wrong though?
SPEAKER_03I think anyone listening to this is is thinking that would be wrong. If there's a couple and they're stuffing animals in their basement together in a loving way they're two clicks from being on the next little Hulu documentary.
SPEAKER_01You know what as long as they're not hurting anyone and they're just getting the roadkill and taking care of it.
SPEAKER_03They're hurting my feelings I'm telling you right now. Well I think what we've proved yes both of us being a sample of two that you can be perfectly happy being a single person. Yes looking at my life objectively somebody like yourself would say I'm running amok I'm just too much freedom running amok sounds like a good time. I'm running amok thank you Tracy for talking about that it's okay to be single all the single people out there what are all the single ladies what's all the single ladies all the single people what are they supposed to do? All the hands up put your put your hands up like someone's being robbed I need to listen to those lyrics maybe I don't understand what that song's about but thank you for joining us for this episode we appreciate you being here we love it if you support us by sharing the show and to the extent that uh this is a fun place for you to visit once a week we are glad that you are here and we hope you'll tune in to another episode because whether you are sitting in your own discomfort like Tracy wants you to or just someone sitting in the basement stuffing a mammal it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye everybody I'm standing just standing there minding my own biz and a guy comes walking up to me and gives me a wink. Oh and I just didn't know what it meant. You know and I couldn't ask him because it was loud but I just what was the I didn't know him.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03So I'm like is that a good job wink? Is that you nice shirt wink? Is it a I wanna Hey you want to go out sometime I want you to be my love Newton wink I don't know what it means to get a wink.
SPEAKER_01Right.