Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
PARENTS ARE WEIRD, AND THEY DO WEIRD THINGS
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Special guest Madeline helps us evaluate questionable parenting choices. Tangents include: "Bat Boy"; Magic Mountain Jesus; Eddie Haskell; Pig Nose; dirt spaces; secret cars; parabolas; and chin flaps.
Notes:
1. https://www.sixflags.com/magicmountain (Say "Hi" to Roy if you see him).
2. Picture of a Parabola: https://images.app.goo.gl/pRX5XhsFRHkGUTYE7
3. Eddie Haskell https://images.app.goo.gl/kDegubiULaQmk6t57
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Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
And she takes her hand off her chin. No. And it and a flap came down.
SPEAKER_07Oh my god. No, not the flap.
SPEAKER_00Chin flaps. Nobody wants that.
SPEAKER_07Never mind. Oh, put the flap back. Put the flap back. Hold your hand. Don't move your hand from your chin ever again.
SPEAKER_01Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder what and why. I'm Ross, your host, and today's guests are my friends Amy. Hello, Amy.
SPEAKER_02Hi there, Ross.
SPEAKER_01And Rob. Hello, Rob.
SPEAKER_02Hi, Ross.
SPEAKER_01And today we have a special guest, Madeline. Hello, Madeline.
SPEAKER_06Hello, thank you so much for having me.
SPEAKER_01You're certainly welcome. It's our pleasure. And today we're going to be looking at parenting. And as we all know, parenting is hard. It's a job that none of us are qualified for before we get it. And the only first hand training we get is from people who also are figuring it out for themselves. Namely our own parents, caregivers, whoever. So, spoiler, parents are weird and they do weird things. Now, if you've somehow escaped any fallout from freaky parenting, then congratulations. You're a member of an elite class. Today we're not going to be bashing our parents, though, or ourselves, but we do want to take a look at them. Just want to take a little look. But in the spirit of the show, we do this with as much love and compassion as we can muster. So to dig right in, Amy, what do you want to tell me about parenting?
SPEAKER_09Man, I want to tell you that it's hard. Number one, you are so correct about that. Number two, I want you to know that I so I have three children. Um my eldest, who is named Madeline, by the way, Madeline.
SPEAKER_06Oh, lovely. I'm fond of it. It's a good name.
SPEAKER_09It's a beautiful name. Um, she will be turning 21 this coming week. So I know. And I'm only 29, so it's hard to do the math.
SPEAKER_06It's troubling. Yeah. It's troubling for all of us.
SPEAKER_09They are aging now faster than I am. I I can't explain it. I I must have fallen in a wormhole at some point. But um, so I asked them, I reached out to all three of the my kids, and I I said, you know, we're we're doing a podcast, we're talking about uh parenting, you know, have I had any fails? And none, none of the three of them would provide. They were, uh no, you were just such a they were lying to me. I guess good answer, good answer. Right, right. Um, so I came up with a list though of things that I recalled, and I'm I'm torn about. Um, and then I have one of my own um from my own childhood, but this is the one I think I'm gonna share uh right away because it didn't occur to me that it was potentially like almost could have been tragic for my kids, basically. So when the kids were little, when um my oldest Madeline was about three or four years old, and my middle child was just a baby at the time. Very early in the morning, I was uh I took Madeline up to give her a bath. And I was holding the baby um on my lap and sitting on the side of the tub and filling up the tub with water. And I looked in the mirror, which was across the room, and up above my head, I could see a black something hanging from the shower curtain. And I was like, oh my gosh, is that a giant beetle? What is that? And so upon further investigation, I realized it was a bat.
SPEAKER_05Oh my god.
SPEAKER_09Which was hanging above my head. Now, it is important that you know, and I, you know, people are afraid of things. I am terrified of bats. Like when they're out at night, like flying around, it gives me the jeebies. So I immediately grabbed both children up and moved out of the bathroom, closed the door behind me, kind of ran down the stairs with the two of them. And like, you're I was standing at the bottom of the stairs, like, oh, okay, I've saved my children from the vampire bat that was an inch and a half big, by the way. But um, and it was at that moment that I realized I had left the water running in the bathtub.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02So you burnt the whole house down.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, well, and that was basically, I was like, well, I girls, I guess we just have to move out now and uh we'll just figure something else out. We'll live in the cart. No, I went to my neighbor's house. We had one neighbor that lived kind of close to us, otherwise, we were a little bit isolated. As I mentioned, it was probably 7:30 in the morning. So I go banging on his door at 7:30 in the morning. I've got two babies, and who knows what I was wearing because I had two babies. I could have it could have been a bathing suit top and a robe. Who knows? So I go there with my two babies, and the guy comes out, he looks at me through the screen, says nothing, and I said, Hey, so there's a bat in my bathroom, and I left the water running, and I I just like physically can't go back in there.
SPEAKER_01And he says, Oh, that old line again.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, right. Thanks a lot, lady. Lonely housewife. No, he said nothing. He went and got, I don't know, some object, a bag, a bucket, a box, a shoebox, maybe a shoebox, walked past me wordlessly, walked into my house, walked up my stairs, opened my door, whacked this bat into this shoebox, closed the box, walked down the stairs, walked back down, never said anything to me. I don't know where the bat went after that, if you released Into the Wild.
SPEAKER_06Did you live next to Ron Swanson from Parks and Rep?
SPEAKER_09Kind of, kind of I did. Yes. Uh he had that look about him for sure, like the same haircut and the the like just like very uh the face that says nothing. Here's the reason. Like just this week, as I was scrolling back through my parenting uh fails and and and uh successes, and I I was listening to something and this story had occurred to me, but they were talking about uh bats. If you find a bat in your house, you should have everybody tested for rabies. That's right. Yeah, because a bat can bite you and you would never know it. And once you have the symptoms of yes, once you have the symptoms of rabies, you are sunk. Like there's no going back.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_09So it wasn't until this week, which is some 20 years later now, almost 20 years later, that I was like, oh my gosh, I had no idea. Like I was just so proud of myself for having handled this in in like the only best way I could. So it it was like a success in the moment, and I guess a success now because none of us have rabies as far as I know, unless it takes a really long time to develop.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, it explains so much, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Deep incubated rabies.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I I am a vampire, so I mean Amy. This is uh I can't bel I had like an entire colony or two uh bats in my house. Oh my god, not one person ever said, Hey, you should go get the tested for rabies. Oh my god. Uh like no one ever said that. So now I'm thinking, yep, I got uh I got rabies. You need better friends. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Ross, thanks, Ross.
SPEAKER_09Well, I clearly didn't know until this week.
SPEAKER_01I I well you didn't can you never told me that you had rabies in your uh rabies. You never yeah, you never told me you had rabies, you bastard.
SPEAKER_09I know it never came up organically, so yeah, it's just it's one of those things. Yeah, how about you, Ross? Parenting stories? Bats, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um I I do remember there was a bat that flew into my room once, and we did get it out when I was a kid, but um nobody got tested for rabies because you know it seems to be the through line. It just takes too much time. Um my family is interesting because um it really is the I really had two different families within the same family. The the first four kids, uh of which I was the fourth, uh lived a different kind of life than uh the family that existed when three more kids were born, and we moved to Los Angeles.
SPEAKER_05Wow.
SPEAKER_01So we lived on the East Coast, there was a family, it was pretty normal, conventional kind of family. And then three more kids come along, we moved to Los Angeles, and my parents lost the thread. And I think it's because they just kind of got over their skis with that many kids. Yeah. Moving to LA was weird, uh, because it really was a different uh environment, different culturally. Um and uh the kids kind of went wacky too. This story involves my older brother who I was as close to a real live hippie as anyone else in my family. He did mostly those kinds of things. And so he would, you know, hitchhike across the country, that sort of thing. And along one of these journeys, uh, he picked up this guy named Roy. He didn't pick him up, but they somehow got together with another friend of his and they made it all the way to our house in LA. And they visited for two, three days. And then my brother said, Well, I'm going on to whatever his next adventure was. And this guy Roy wasn't really their friend, so he he wasn't gonna go. And my parents decided for some reason that they were gonna take Roy in.
SPEAKER_03Oh my!
SPEAKER_01They didn't know Roy, Roy had been there a couple of days, uh, he was probably about 19 years old. He was uh I this is really an old throwback reference, but he was sort of like an Eddie Haskell guy. Eddie Haskell was on this show called uh Leave It to Beaver.
SPEAKER_06Okay, I've heard of it once or twice.
SPEAKER_01It was a really old show, even for me. I mean, I only know the show from reruns, but but Eddie Haskell um was to the parents, he always had sort of a really nice demeanor, pleasant, and then behind their back, he was kind of a jerk. So he was sort of like that, sort of. Um, so the next thing I know, my parents are saying, Well, we're gonna get take Roy in and give him a chance and help him out. Why? They never explained. And the next thing I know, Roy is my new roommate.
SPEAKER_09Oh my, how exciting!
SPEAKER_01I'm probably 12 years old.
SPEAKER_09I was gonna ask how old you were, yeah. Yeah. So it's such a 12 is such a a time when you're just always welcoming new experiences. You just are so secure with yourself. So I'm sure it was smooth sailing from here.
SPEAKER_01Well, you know, my my my my living environment was pretty uh unpredictable all the time. So this is just like one more thing, you know, like when my mother would call the kids together and say things like she would just have these meetings where she'd say something like, I'm not cooking anymore.
SPEAKER_05No, that I admire. Yeah, exactly. I love her mom.
SPEAKER_01Yes, she's uh admirable. As a kid, you're kind of like, Okay, how do we eat?
SPEAKER_06What does that mean for us? So you're so you're sitting there and you're like, okay, I have a roy mate, it must be Tuesday.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Right. Right, a Roy mate. It's beautiful. Um, and so this isn't a story where Roy ends up murdering me, but if he had, people would have looked back on that, especially these days and would have said, What were you doing, mom and dad? Bringing this guy into your house. But he didn't. So they pay for this guy, Roy, to like take various trade courses to like he gets into these training programs, he he gets, you know, they buy his uniforms or whatever he needs, his equipment. He gets these, you know, he got he gets these various jobs, he either quits them immediately or gets fired for any number of reasons. I remember um one night he came home. I think he was actually delivering the Los Angeles Times, which they do by car in the middle of the night. So he came in like three or four in the morning after you know, delivering papers or whatever he did, and he he was all cut up.
SPEAKER_09Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01He'd been in a knife, knife fight.
SPEAKER_09Oh my god, I think it's in a knife fight outside of a movie.
SPEAKER_02Classic Roy.
SPEAKER_01Oh Roy, you and your knife fights. So yeah, so he's all cut up, but he's okay. Um, so he never he never he was never like mean to me in the sense of like ever threatening me or anything like that, but it was just this weird presence. And and my parents, the the other thing they were kind of famous for is traveling overseas, and they would just leave us with somebody. Oh somebody that would take care of us for like five weeks. Um, and it was sometimes it'd be like a professional babysitter, or sometimes it would be Roy, you somebody like Roy, like there you go, or Amy's Amy's uh neighbor Ron Swanson.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the bat bat boy.
SPEAKER_06Right.
SPEAKER_01So so so on one of these times when he was running the household, he took me and my six-year-old brother camping. I'm doing those quotation marks. Okay, and we we drove somewhere, I don't know where, out into outside of LA and some country road, and he decides to camp at like one of those little dirt turnouts on the side of a two-lane road. So it wasn't a campsite, it was just a dirt turnout. Puts up the tent. What's that?
SPEAKER_09It's just a dirt space.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, a dirt space. It was good. It was there was no fees, no water, no mess, no fuss.
SPEAKER_03Every day, you could just camp in a dirt space. Just dig a hole and live there. You whippersnappers don't appreciate the majesty of the dirt space.
SPEAKER_01So so um, so we're so we're here we are in our dirt space, and uh it gets to be dark, and let's say it's around nine, and Roy tells us that he's gonna go out for a while.
SPEAKER_07Oh my god, where? You're in the middle of a dirt space. Along the dirt space.
SPEAKER_01A country highway somewhere.
SPEAKER_02And Roy Roy's got business. He's got business.
SPEAKER_01Roy's gotta go. I don't know. He's got a night fight appointment. I don't know what he's got.
SPEAKER_05Roy's gotta do what Roy's gotta do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. So he leaves us, he leaves us in the dirt spot. Oh my god. Most of the night by ourselves. And again, if something had happened to us, even if we had just been run over by a semi, again, people would look back and say, Wait a minute, parents, what was that?
SPEAKER_02But at the same time, your parents had 76 kids, so what they're all doing.
SPEAKER_06And you I feel like once the the kids get onto two hands worth of counting, it's like, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. And you've heard me say before that, you know, when you have a lot of kids, I don't think you worry so much about losing one or two, you know, because I feel like you you may not even notice, actually. So this guy Roy is stays with us for months and months. I really don't even know how long it lasted, but he was there all the time and always getting into trouble. And then one day he he gets somehow into an argument with my mother about something, and then he starts cursing at her and turning on. He's dropped the whole Eddie Haskell bed, and now he's going full on Roy. And so she ends up kicking him out of the house. Literally, yeah, not like literally kicking him, but throwing him out, you have to leave, you can't stay here anymore. And so, and as he was packing up his stuff, he's he stole some stuff. He stole, I had been saving money for a bicycle, and he stole that. Um Roy and and after he left, um, they found that he had stowed away some of my mother's unmentionables in his one of his drawers. Yeah. Roy.
SPEAKER_05Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01He's kind of a character in that way. Uh so so this has all happened. He finally leaves. There's a lot of drama. I won't go into all of it, but he's gone. And then a couple of years later, we get a uh a note from his dad, who we contacted after he left. And uh his dad said he was killed, Roy was killed in a car accident in Mexico.
SPEAKER_08Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01So so it was like, wow, that it was sort of one of those stunning pieces of news that at the same time doesn't really surprise you.
SPEAKER_06Right, a fitting end to a fitting life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it was kind of on brand for Roy. Right.
SPEAKER_02Well, why did why did so you must you and and and the family must have left an impact on Roy for Roy's dad to just send you a random letter about Roy's death.
SPEAKER_01Well, what happened was after after we broke up with Roy, after we had the breakup, um we uh my father, he I think he might have reached out to us because Roy, of course, by then, you know, he'd let his dad know where he was staying all that time. Um, or my dad reached out to him to let him know that Roy was gone and what happened, whatever it was. But um, they did have a they did that's when they sort of made the connection. I do remember the phone call too, and the guy uh Roy's dad was apologizing, and my dad was saying, Oh, don't apologize. We went into it with our eyes open, and I'm standing right near my dad, and I say, Hey, hey, not all of us.
SPEAKER_09I I I my eyes weren't open, and so my father's gave me a choice about my eyes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, my father says to Roy's dad, he says, Hey, my son's standing right here, he's 12 years old. He says he he didn't go in with his eyes open. And that to the father's credit, talk about uh cool parent. He sent me the money that Roy stole. He like paid me back. Oh my god, so good on him. But that was where the connection was. So we found out that Roy tragically died in Mexico, uh, maybe in a dirt spot. I don't know.
SPEAKER_06Well, R.I.P. Roy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so R.I.P. Roy. So now we flash forward um, you know, probably like four years. And I'm Roy Jr.
SPEAKER_06The return of Roy.
SPEAKER_01I'm at a I'm at a theme park. Uh and at the uh I think it still exists, but it was in Valencia. It was called Magic Mountain.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_04Hey, can we pause?
SPEAKER_02Can we can we pause real fast? I am on the edge of my seat. I can't wait to find out how that ties into Roy. Like I'm really excited.
SPEAKER_06What is the magic of the Magic Mountain?
SPEAKER_02Does it bring Roy back to life?
SPEAKER_06Like, Roy is working at Magic Mountain.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. I can't wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_06Magic Mountain is actually the mountain that Jesus emerged from and at his hours of resurrection.
SPEAKER_02And on the seventh day, Roy rose.
SPEAKER_01Well, uh, I think you kind of nailed it.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01No, so um, I'm there with a uh a friend of mine, and we're waiting in one of those eternal lines, and up ahead, quite a ways, more more than probably 50 feet at least, I see a guy and it looks like Roy. No, and he doesn't look dead to me.
SPEAKER_06Okay. Oh my god, did Roy's dead die? I mean, lie? Did Roy lie to his dad?
SPEAKER_02Uh if he's dead, that's hard. I don't know.
SPEAKER_06Did he fake his death and pass along the news as if he were someone else?
SPEAKER_01He faked his death. No, I don't know. Roy had a very distinctive look.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_01Um, and I don't know what the proper way to describe someone like this, but I'll just say what I thought when I would look at him. He had like kind of a pig nose.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_01So what is that called? What's the word for the proper snout? A what a snout?
SPEAKER_06A snout. I mean, that's what a pig's nose is. A snout? Yeah. Wondering.
SPEAKER_01Pig snout. So pignose Roy, up ahead. Pignose Roy. Look, I swear it looks like him. And I'm sitting there and I'm like to my friend, I'm like, I think that's this guy, Roy, that used to live at our house who's dead.
SPEAKER_09So complex.
SPEAKER_01Um, and so in that moment, I have a choice to make. Do I find out if Roy's in the world still and make contact? Or do I let it be?
SPEAKER_02Don't leave us hanging.
SPEAKER_01Pardon?
SPEAKER_02I said, don't leave us hanging. What you you had to have done it.
SPEAKER_01I didn't. I decided like I don't want to make con if this is really him and he's either dead Roy haunting me or haunting Magic Mountain, or he's alive, Roy. I don't want to be, I don't want him to. See me. So I will never know. I never heard about Roy again. I never saw him again. I never had any indication that he was in the world. I'm sure it was just somebody who looked like him.
SPEAKER_06But maybe.
SPEAKER_01But maybe.
SPEAKER_06But the point of all of this was that there's a beautiful mystery in out in the world. There's a beautiful mystery. You know, the magic of Roy lives on.
SPEAKER_02I hate it. Like you missed opportunity. Uh that story would have landed if you're like, and it was Roy. And it was Roy. I mean, he could be like a superhero. Like he could like regenerate, or you just keep seeing Roy over and over again. Like, oh yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, I understand that for you, this was would have been a great thing. But for me, I was like, I just don't want to have any contact with this guy. But the other beautiful mystery was how this ever made sense to my parents as a strategy for child rearing is to bring in this guy who no one knew. Like he was not a friend of my brother's. It was just this random guy from the road. And he ended up being my roommate buddy. And uh I can't say I learned anything from him.
SPEAKER_05There was no lesson. Incredible.
SPEAKER_02So hey, did you survive? Did you survive the dirt space night? I think so. There you go. You were stronger for it.
SPEAKER_01Yes, that is the way I look at all of my family stories is that because I survived that, and and in fact, I have this little um that this little theory. I want to just run it really quickly by you. So kids who grew up in the 60s and early 70s, like me, I call them the guinea pig generation. So the lawn dart kids.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You know, the kids that would get BB guns and pellet guns. Do they even still give kids those kinds of things? I don't even know. So um, so the guinea pig kids, uh, the kids that nobody really cared about. Um, you could do whatever, die, live. It's your call. So, Madeline, you seem like a very well-adjusted human.
SPEAKER_06That is uh very flattering. Uh, I think it's probably largely untrue, but any amount of it that is true, I do think is is thanks to my parents. I think I am um, largely speaking, one of those rare lucky ducks that you that you mentioned at the beginning. I've got great parents, and you know, they're not perfect. No human is perfect. Um, but by and large, I've been very lucky.
SPEAKER_01But you still resent them, right?
SPEAKER_06I there's gonna be a little bit, right? You know.
SPEAKER_01So what can you tell us? What can you tell us?
SPEAKER_06They're wonderful. I feel like um, in a lot of ways, uh I'm I'm a generation removed from from some of the stuff you're talking about. And quite literally, my um my mom's mom had um, I believe six kids. I would have to count on my fingers to be sure, uh, which is embarrassing. But um uh they went through a lot of of hard times. Uh my mom's dad died when she was pretty young. Uh and I think the way that that my grandma could kind of get through that and and raise a bunch of kids on her own was to say, you know, we don't, we just don't talk about the hard stuff, you know. Um we just kind of push that down and and get through life. Um she was an incredible woman, and I mean she did an amazing job with all these kids, but as a byproduct of that in that situation, um a lot of them have had, you know, various, various hard times with uh with the emotional stuff. And I think my mom's response, reactionary thing to that, because that's slightly my um my theory of parenting, despite not being a parent yet myself, but uh kind of in in observation is that the the parenting that you do is sort of a mix of the things that you liked that your parents did, and then the opposite of the things that did not work for you. Yeah, definitely. Try the try the reverse. Um so we had a very emotionally healthy, you know, talk about stuff. Not a not a, you know, we're gonna sit you down and force you to talk about things, but just a very open conversational household. Um, and related to that, I uh this is a weird thing to say, but I am incredibly lucky that my mom throughout her adult life has suffered from depression um and has had it treated and uh, you know, uh done a lot of work on it because she recognized it in me when I was very, very young. I was eight um when I was diagnosed with depression and OCD. And I say often that I don't think if it hadn't been for her having gone through that, you know, and being able to see that in me, I don't think it would have been figured out that early. And so I've had the luxury of being, it's a strange way to phrase it, but the luxury of being in and out of therapy since I was eight and on and off of medications, and it's you know, it's leveled out. Um it's it's it's working great.
SPEAKER_01But so Madeline, what was that like to be eight years old and in therapy? I know I'm not asking you to tell me the therapy, the course of therapy, but just like what did that feel like as a kid?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, no, it was wild. It was this was slightly before the child therapists had toys in their office. So it was just, you know, a small person uh in a in a room with a chez lounge. Um not actually there was not a chez lounge.
SPEAKER_09Such a fancy piece. That is the fanciest piece of furniture you can have in a therapy office, right?
SPEAKER_01A smoking kit. Exactly. Parrot.
SPEAKER_06Yes. I had a parrot, yes, my therapy parrot. No, uh my theraparrot.
SPEAKER_01Um that's good. That's good. We need that.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. No, it was um, it was good but overwhelming because there's something also about figuring out at that age that there's something about your brain chemistry that doesn't work the way it's quote unquote supposed to work. It's like, whoa. And that's that's really what was amazing about my mom having that shared experience. Was I remember when I they first decided they wanted to try me on medication, I freaked out, you know. Um, I'm sick. What's wrong with me? Why do I need to be on drugs? Um I remember my mom sitting me down and being like, there's nothing wrong with you. It just you and this isn't gonna change you. This isn't something that's gonna make you different. It's just gonna give you a level playing field because right now, in this aspect of your life, you don't have a level playing field. You know, things come at you and you're not on stable ground to react to them. And all this is gonna do is kind of level that out for you. You're gonna react to things the same way you would react, but you're gonna have some more, some more stability and some more choice in the matter. Wow. Um I think without that's cool.
SPEAKER_08Yeah, that's really nice.
SPEAKER_01Um, thanks for sharing that. So, Rob, I know you've been sitting there quietly, patiently, judging everyone, weighing your options, kind of comparing yourself. Let's see, well, I didn't sleep with a knife light knife fight guy.
SPEAKER_02Right. But you've You don't know me. Yeah. But I just well I know it was a crazy time.
SPEAKER_01I know I know that you've been sort of uh evaluating what what's your take? Where what was your experience? Or what has been your experience as a parent, because you are a parent.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, I am. Um you know, I'm just I'm listening to your stories, and I'm thinking that maybe I should go to therapy now. Like, so it's it seems like whenever we talk about like you know, any topic, it always goes back. I have something I did as a child. And my childhood, uh, it was very chaotic. There was a lot of highs and there was a lot of lows. Like I remember my mom who had multiple marriages. I remember in the middle of winter in a secret car staking out my one of my stepfathers to see if he was having an affair multiple times at like three o'clock in the morning. I remember Yeah, go ahead. Rob, what is a secret car? Like she had a car, she purchased like an old, it was like a 1950s Cadillac or something, and she had it off site, off-site somewhere. And what she would do is like, you know, she she would wait because my stepfather worked uh somewhere, like he like watched troubled kids in the middle of the night, I guess. And uh so I when he would go, she would wake us all up like two, three o'clock in the morning. We would drive to the secret car, and then we would drive to his work and just sit there. Um, and the heater didn't work really well. Like, I just it was there.
SPEAKER_01Are so many things that you've said that I don't even know what they mean. Right. So I just have to unpack so oh boy, this isn't even the story.
SPEAKER_02No, yeah, no, we have to unpack the secret.
SPEAKER_01It's like it's it's it's got so many layers. So I just want to make sure I understand that the idea behind the secret car that no one knew about was that so the idea was that so while she was on a stakeout with the kids, that he wouldn't know he was being watched.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, if he looked over and saw her car, because she had this like she had this like white minivan that had Daylilly for license plate, like it would have stuck out, right?
SPEAKER_01So this was that's very clever. That's very clever. Uh it's very smart. So, and so that's part one of my question. Uh, part two is if you're gonna buy a secret car, you are you but gonna buy a Cadillac? Is that really the way you want to go?
SPEAKER_02I don't know. I don't know that it was, it was just an old 1950s rusted out. I don't know what kind of car it was. I'm not a car guy. Like, okay, okay. It had wheels. I don't know. It had wheels, but no weight.
SPEAKER_01I got one more before I let you go. I'm sorry, I just got just so I can get grounded here on what we're dealing with. So there uh there are two kids at this point.
SPEAKER_02Yes, it's my sister and I. Okay. I was like, I was like eight and she was like three.
SPEAKER_01Right. So that's why so she was being responsible when she would go on these stakeouts because she wouldn't just leave you alone.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01She would wake you wake you up.
SPEAKER_02There was no there was no roy in my life.
SPEAKER_01Not everybody can be so fortunate. So so you and were you stay in your pajamas, or did you have stakeout clothes?
SPEAKER_02Uh I I think it was pajamas. Like, I know my sister was in pajamas. I think I put like jeans on. Like, I don't remember if I had pajamas. Like, I think I was just like uh, I'm just wearing underwear.
SPEAKER_01You're a nature boy. You were a nature boy.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, okay. Like, I don't remember.
SPEAKER_01So, so good. I've got the picture now. Go, please.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. So that that was my example of lows, right? And then the highs were we would go on these lavish, like Disney vacations when we didn't have the money to do so, but we like there was a lot of and we would just have a great time, and we made memories. There was a lot of love, but there was a lot of downtime, right? There was so that translates to me as a parent. I'm worried I'm gonna screw it up. Like I'm constantly have self-doubt. Am I doing this right? Am I gonna raise a weird kid? Uh my daughter is a little strange, but she's wonderful. We've got super lucky.
SPEAKER_06Weird weird are the weird people are the best people, honestly. So I don't think that's a concern. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02I believe so. And and she is just a delight. How old is she? But there are she is 10. I I'll have to think about it for a second through the map.
SPEAKER_07An age.
SPEAKER_02She is some number of years old. She is a child. Thanks for asking. Yes. So like um I was trying to think about like fails, like so the school uh changed a policy because of my wife and I. So uh we uh whenever whenever there was a uh like an assembly where the kids would would sing or put on a play or whatever, you know, this is an elementary school, you know, so they would, or when they give awards like your child came to school four out of five days a week. Here's an award, right? And so we would go and whenever like Harper would sing or whatever like that, we have a family call, right? And it goes a little bit like this. I'm not gonna do it too loud, but it's so yeah, and so what happens is like in the middle of assembly, like whatever Harper will do, like a solo or whatever, we're just like cacao, and uh the parents are like like they do that thing where they lean to one side, like give me the stink eye, like and so we do that all the time.
SPEAKER_03It's those COVID people.
SPEAKER_02So like the next assembly, there was like a like uh we have a new rule for this assembly. Uh please do not uh call out uh to your kids.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah to your kids uh until until it's done, you know.
SPEAKER_02And we're like, oh boy, and so then like after it, the teacher like had gone to Harper and said, Tell your parents they did a good job this time.
SPEAKER_06I'm like, Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you should have yelled cacao.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah, we did at the end, yeah.
SPEAKER_01We did at the end.
SPEAKER_02No dirty, and there's oh yeah, well, I didn't want to get her in trouble. Like there's been other things that I've I've gotten her in trouble, and she's they they've threatened to take away some sort of like she's like bus duty kid. And so uh what that is is like she helps the younger class go onto their bus. And so, but so when you pick up the kids, there's like a circle, there's like a cold attack where you kind of go in and you pick up your kids, and you're supposed to stay in the line.
SPEAKER_05A child circle, we know it.
SPEAKER_02A child circle, right? So I'm in this line, and the parents in front of me are just chatting it up. They got nothing better to do. We're just gonna talk to everybody around. And so I pulled around, I got out of the child circle and pulled around, and everybody lost their damn mind. Like the principal's running out. The principal, I mean, she's got her, she's got her hands above her head, like the sanity of the child circle. You're supposed to stay in the child circle, and the parents are, I mean, the teachers are like they're clapping their hands, like, uh no, no, no, they're trying to get my attention. I'm pulling it. Yeah, I don't have time for I don't have time for this. What if that parent you we're in the line, get out of the way, right? So then the next day, or Harper comes home, she's like, Daddy got me in trouble. And Harper's my daughter, if I hadn't said that already. So she's like, uh daddy, daddy uh got me in trouble. You have to stay in the line. And I'm like, Well, I don't the the parents were talking, I don't want to stay in the line. She goes, if you cut line one more time, they're gonna take away my bus duties. No I was like, okay, I'm gonna get my kid fired. So the next day I go to this, this is so patronizing. I go to this children's circle and I'm just in this line, and you see all the teachers, like, I'm not moving, they're just giving me the thumbs up. You're doing good, sir. Like, oh, I wanted to cut so hard. Uh and then the principal, like, I'm I'm going out there, and the principal's like, she's like, you know, kind of gives me the hand to come over, and she's just like, thanks for not cutting the line. You know, it's important that you don't cut the line because kids could be I'm like, I got it. I'm not gonna run over any children. I'll stay in line. It's just come on, don't talk. Don't talk, don't hold up this line. Let's get out of here. Okay, so I've got one more story. Um, this is just one of these like uh like freaking out. Like we all have the stories where we kind of freak out, and I hope I didn't, you know, scar my child in some way. Um, I have one of those jobs that sometimes I have to go away for like months at a time uh to a different city and work. Uh, and this is legit. And so anyway, like daddy's gonna go for a couple.
SPEAKER_01Wait a minute. When you leave, do you go in a secret car?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I drive. That's a good callback. Yeah, no, I drive to my car.
SPEAKER_06You camp at the dirt spots on the way. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Secret car in the dirt spot. Oh, that's the name of this episode. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_06Oh, love that.
SPEAKER_02So I love it. So, um, you know, one of these trips, I was gone for a while, and so uh my wife and daughter decided to come visit me in the hotel, which was great. And so um they came in. Um my daughter was in the the the shower, hadn't seen my wife uh for a very long time, and we started getting a little close. We're getting a little close. Uh my my my kid will stay in the shower for 15 minutes, so I was like, I got some time. So then in the shower, I hear oh god. Oh my god. And then it's like because you always have that pause, and then it's like oh yeah, no, you know, it's uh yeah. So I'm running in there. What happened? What happened? And she's holding her chin, and she's like, I fell. And I'm like, and there's no blood or anything, and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm doing that dad thing. Oh, just shut just shake it off. You're fine, you're fine. And she's like, Oh, okay, okay. And she takes her hand off her chin, no, and it and a flap came down. Oh my god. No, not the flaps.
SPEAKER_00Chin flaps or nobody wants that.
SPEAKER_07Never mind. Oh, put the flap back, put the flap back. Hold your hand, don't move your hand from your chin ever again.
SPEAKER_02It's funny now. Right, right. And so it was like chin flap, blood gosh. And I was like, I mean, there's like a there's a split second of like, oh my god. So I grab her and she's freaking out because she doesn't feel the pain at all. Or get the adrenaline.
SPEAKER_06You hit a nerve and the adrenaline, and it just goes numb right away. Yeah, I had a dog bite me in the face and I couldn't feel it. It was wild. Oh my god, a dog nicely, but yeah.
SPEAKER_02Jeez. Didn't know my notes was until three days later.
SPEAKER_06I remember being in shock and driving to the hospital. He got me in the lip, little guy, uh, to briefly diverge. And I remember sitting there very calmly in shock, thinking, I have three lips now.
SPEAKER_04It's just I did not.
SPEAKER_06I'm good.
SPEAKER_01I'll just put your hands up right if I'm gonna go. Amy, is any of this making you Amy, is any of this making you feel better about the bats?
SPEAKER_09Oh my gosh. Well, my kids have so many facial injuries. I'm just thinking, well, at least they probably didn't feel it.
SPEAKER_01What is happening with the kids with the flaps? Okay, anyway, sorry, Rob.
SPEAKER_02I rush her to the emergency room. Like I am freaked out. This is the first time we've ever had to go to the emergency room with her. I'm now freaked out, Dad, but I'm trying to be like cool. Like I'm trying to like freak her out internally. I'm like, she's gonna die. You know, and so like we're there, and like we get there, and all the nurses and everybody in the emergency room seem flustered, like they seem like like anxiety level is high, and I don't know why, but I I I need everybody to be cool. Like, like I just need everybody to be cool. And so because I'm I'm up there, and so uh we we get there, we're checking in, and like they look distracted to me. Like, I need you to pay attention to me and my chin flap kid. So we get we get there, we start to go back, and they're like, Oh, we just uh we kind of want to warn you that uh today we're doing a mass casualty triage event. Jesus. So you're gonna see a lot of like fake uh dead bodies and arms coming through. Oh my god. Like it's so like I'm doing this thing where I'm like being a human wall. Like, don't look over here.
SPEAKER_08I'm sorry, Mr. Rouse. It's zombie day at the hospital. So I'm just gonna have to ask you and your child to sit in those chairs.
SPEAKER_06Just sit under the doors that say don't dead open inside. You'll be fine.
SPEAKER_09I'm gonna put this sticker on it. Means you're actually for real, a real person.
SPEAKER_06This means you're actually injured, you'll get the real doctors.
SPEAKER_02Don't gonna thank God, but that would have been that would have been great. Uh so anyway, like it was just so we're we got a special room, like, because we're like, we're gonna put you over here, but it was just the entire time you would hear running down the hall, like, we need extra something here, you know. And it's just like I was like, oh, and my and my dog's like, what's going on outside? And I was like, oh, it's be cool, baby girl, read this book. Um I don't know, was it a book? It might have been a pamphlet about cholesterol, but I was like, just read this, and and and but we all laugh back. I mean, we lot we laugh about it now, but it's just like at the time, the entire time I'm going, I'm scarring my child, I'm scarring it, you know. Oh so she and she still has a little bit of scar on her chin.
SPEAKER_06But I think that's probably the only scar. If it sounds like you handled it pretty well, I think the emotional scars are probably uh probably good.
SPEAKER_01And she can and she can talk without moving her mouth.
SPEAKER_06It's impressive enough.
SPEAKER_01So I have this, I have this uh I have this uh theory very short. I wanna want your reaction to it. I call it the parabolic parenting function. So if you imagine a parabola, you can it'd be as one does.
SPEAKER_09Imagine for the for the people uh at home, not for me, because I totally know exactly what a parabola is. Real quick describe what I'd be envisioning.
SPEAKER_06Now, one of the um the parenting, I mean, I don't know if it's a fail or a success that my parents did was that I was a mathly for eight years, so I can picture a parabola.
SPEAKER_01There you go, the mathly and Madeline, that is why you're here.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, it was the mathly credentials that got me off the wait list for guessing. Yeah, yeah, you got um.
SPEAKER_01Once I saw that in your resume, I said, wow.
SPEAKER_06Oh, and I keep it in my resume.
SPEAKER_01So uh as Madeline knows, uh, in a simple way, if you just look at if you look at your thumb, that's and uh and you have a thumb, then it's kind of like a really steep parab a steep curved parabola. So um if you imagine tracing a line around your thumb. So my theory is that there is a sweet spot for parental involvement with their kids, where the kids thrive, and that's the high part of the curve. If you have too little involvement, for example, you let your kids camp in a dirt spot with Roy, or you have too much involvement where you're just constantly on your kids.
SPEAKER_06Helicopter parent, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, then then the kids don't do as well, but the sweet spot is you're involved, you're you've got a mom like Madeline where she's attentive and tuned in and helping you out. That's that's gonna be good. So uh tell me what you think.
SPEAKER_02Is a parabola like a trapezoid? No, not really.
SPEAKER_06No, it's like a really curved line. A steep, a steep curve. Like if an umbrella got s got a little squashed to be more of a of a curve.
SPEAKER_01Would you think of it as would you describe it as a hillock?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hillock. A hillock or uh or a hillock or or a uh nerd picture picture a hobbit, a hobbit burrow.
SPEAKER_09Okay, no two, yes. No, I don't know why we didn't start there. Why we didn't know what we're doing? Why didn't we start with a hobbit borough?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it was so stupid to start with thumbs.
SPEAKER_02This is this is a hobbit borough uh in the Shire and not like the northern clans, because those are more angular. Okay, got it. Now exactly. I don't know what we're doing now.
SPEAKER_01Oh, this is perfect. So so what that shows is that my my theory is correct.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I I have no, I have one more story if you want it. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Well, uh, it just it occurred to me earlier that I should have thought of this story because I adore this story. Uh, when Rob was talking, you made you said something about, you know, oh yeah, I experimented a lot in college. Uh brought this story to my mind.
SPEAKER_02Wait. Can we can we pause? I just want to say I'm really excited about this story.
SPEAKER_06You should be. It's a good one. Um so uh a couple of years ago, maybe five years ago, I started dating a girl. Um and I had only ever dated guys before, and I didn't even really realize that uh that I was bi because of the sort of heteronormativity of I've been attracted to guys, so I must be straight, right?
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_06But I fell for this girl and it was sort of like, okay, I know what it feels like when I fall for someone, so I've you know it was very low-key. It was like, oh, okay, well, I I know what this is, so it worked out. So I called my parents to tell them, you know, I'm dating a girl, and I'm I'm very lucky that I I have the kind of parents that I knew it wouldn't be a problem. It's still a little nerve-wracking to sort of talk about because it's, you know, new information for them. But um, they were they were all they were wonderful about it, them and my sisters both. I have two younger sisters. Um, I distinctly remember my dad telling me, you know, uh, your mom and I, Madeline, we've we've wished from time to time, or at least I have, that that at least one of you girls would be at least a little bit gay because Madeline, men are terrible. Um I'm thankful, you know.
SPEAKER_09True story.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_09I have to say I'm not to interrupt your side story, Madeline. So, uh first of all, I have three daughters. My oldest is Madeline. That's so funny. I feel like uh and um I'm not as good a mom as your mom, but I doubt that's true.
SPEAKER_06You saved him from the bats. I think you're on par. I did.
SPEAKER_09That's true. That makes me a superhero. But my third child, I literally told them when we had the sort of the talk, I was like, basically, I don't care. Like, just don't have sex with men. Like this is my only you don't have to be gay, but if you could just never have sex with a man, I think that would just make me happy.
SPEAKER_06So it would just make everyone's lives better.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, exactly. It's just so it just so simplifies everything.
SPEAKER_06I think that's spot on. Yeah, I think you nailed it. But yeah, so um, we had this conversation, it's great. A few weeks later, uh, they come to visit me, and um, I'm living with uh with a friend of mine, not with the girl I'm dating, but with this friend of mine, and we're talking about moving, we're getting a new place because our our lease is up, my roommate and I, and we're like, yeah, and and now we're gonna be in a place that allows pets, and so we're thinking about getting cats. And now my family is a dog family through and through. Um we don't have time to take care of a dog, but cats can kind of you know take care of themselves. So we're thinking we're gonna do it. My mom's allergic to cats, we've never had a cat. And my mom, I swear to God, she goes, Well, have you thought about if if people wanna come over to your house if you have cats? And I mean, have you thought about how this is gonna impact your life and how how people see you if you're you know a cat owner? And um my dad goes, Well, you know, I I did have a cat in college, and my mom goes, Oh my god, you had a cat in college? I it was like something out of a sitcom, I swear to god, having these two conversations back to back with each other. I just couldn't stop laughing, and I was like, You guys, I just you're such good parents. I love that I'm getting this for the cat and not the girlfriend. This is wonderful.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that never would have happened for me. Oh my god. That's so great. That's so great. This has been so much fun. I want to uh thank everyone for joining us on this episode. Thank you, Amy. Appreciate you having you here.
SPEAKER_09Thanks, Ross. I love learning about your family. Every every episode is just an absolute treat to learn the adventures your family had, including Roy. I'm glad to know Roy now. I'll add him to my chart.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, add him to the add him to the star chart. And Rob, thank you very much.
SPEAKER_02I a hundred percent back more Roy stories. Yeah. I think we need to find Roy now.
SPEAKER_01And uh he may be out there and with the internet, why can't we dox him up and see where he is? Yeah, uh and um Madeline, so great to have you. Thank you.
SPEAKER_06Thank you, thank you so much for having me. This has been delightful. I will have nightmares about Roy emerging from Magic Mountain to uh take us to uh to a dirt place.
SPEAKER_01And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are left alone in a dirt space or riding shotgun in a secret car, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody.