Smells Like Humans
Top 5% global podcast! Smells Like Humans is a seasonal podcast dedicated to bringing a humorous perspective to quirky and curious aspects of human behavior. Each show, the SLH crew will focus on a different topic, and share personal stories and observations in a way that sounds like you’re hanging out with your funny friends. The stories and commentary are presented with humor and warmth, since let’s face it: we all smell like humans. (Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com)
Smells Like Humans
NEXT LEVEL "ADULTING": PARENTING YOUR PARENTS
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Almost regular Jaimee joins Ross to discuss experiences related to caring for aging parents. Tangents include: Bathtub wine; Costco hot dogs; live-in parents; monster babies; DIY driving tests.
Notes:
- https://dailycaring.com/7-steps-to-take-when-aging-parents-need-help/
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-first-impression/201810/what-do-aging-parents
Contact us: contactSLH19581980@gmail.com
There's no way I can have sex with my dad in the room. I know some people can do stuff like that, but I would just feel like it's not ideal. I know that's not the most important thing right now, but it is a thing.
SPEAKER_03It is an important thing, especially in a new relationship.
SPEAKER_02Welcome to another episode of Smells Like Humans. This is the podcast where we explore the curious things that people do, the very human things that grab our attention and cause us to wonder what and why. I'm Ross, your host, and today my guest is quickly becoming an almost regular my friend Jamie. Hello, Jamie.
SPEAKER_03Hi, Ross.
SPEAKER_02It's great to have you. Welcome and welcome to everyone.
SPEAKER_03Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_02All of you out there, please help us stay commercial free if you can by supporting us on Patreon if you're able. Let's get to the show. Jamie. Yes. I thought we only had two things in common: a love of true crime and the fact that we are both going to hell. Yeah, we do. But we recently realized that we have a third thing in common. We both have gone through, or in Jamie's case, are going through the process of parenting a parent. Yes. Specifically, today's episode focuses on experiences associated with helping your parents deal with growing dependency, usually due to old age and or illness. And I want to just disclaim right off the bat that we understand this is hard. And we are allowing lots of grace for all the different ways people deal with aging parents and the whole issue. We're going to be sharing our experiences and our stories, but we're not trying to be prescriptive in any way because we know there are a thousand different ways you can feel about this and different ways you can react to this. But I do want to give you some facts. Yes. By 2040, which that year sounds so futuristic to me.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02But we're only about 18 years away from that. By 2040, it's estimated there will be 80 million people over 65 years old. Almost uh 14 million of them will be over 85. So that's 100 million people approximately, uh, who in when I was a kid we would consider old people.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_02Um they keep saying, well, 60 is the new 40 and 80 is the new 70, whatever that game is. You're still old. You're old as hell. Also, uh half it's estimated that half those people will have zero retirement savings. So they've lived a long time, nothing in the bank. And it's also estimated that 70%, this is a crazy number, 70% of people turning 65 are going to need some form of long-term care. Wow. Uh the point of that, those statistics, I think, is that you can be living your life, you can do what the kids like to call adulting. You could be kind of moving into your earning years or your me years or your family raising years, and feel like your plate is full. Couldn't get any fuller. And then, surprise.
SPEAKER_03Slaps you in the face.
SPEAKER_02You have a parent in need. And it's so interesting. You don't even think of them. I didn't even think of my parents as being real people.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02They they were just my parents.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And they were a source of sometimes love and support, but also consternation and frustration. But they were just never, I never thought of them as in any way vulnerable.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02And they're kind of like your your teacher in school.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02A teacher, a head master, an authority figure. An authority figure, a cop on the beat, an astronaut. No.
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_02Not an astronaut. Well, it could be a head astronaut.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, maybe.
SPEAKER_02So so then all of a sudden, sometimes all of a sudden, um, you realize that they have frailties, they have vulnerabilities, and they need help. One thing is for certain, if your parent starts becoming or experiencing compromised health or mobility or cognitive function, they're not necessarily going to come to you and say, hey, you know what? I think I need some help. Right. Um, a lot of times they will say the opposite, which is, leave me alone, stay out of my life, I know exactly what I'm doing.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_02Even if they don't.
SPEAKER_01They do not.
SPEAKER_02Because they're used to being in control and they're used to being in control of you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So so not only do they not recognize or want to admit that they're losing function, but they especially don't want to admit it to you because they don't necessarily want the tables to be turned on them. So these this transition can happen quickly, it can happen slowly over time. I'm going to ask you, Jamie, to jump into this. When did you, how, when, how did it come to be that you discovered that maybe your parent needed some help?
SPEAKER_03So my um my transition was a little bit of an interesting one that started earlier um because uh we talked about this on a previous uh podcast um uh uh about my dad. Um but um he grew up Mormon and was gay and um kind of self-medicated for a lot of his life with um drugs and alcohol.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Um and then we also found out when he was in his early 50s that he had been undiagnosed bipolar for his whole life and and was unaware of it.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03So my dad moved um to the state where me and my siblings live now um in 2012 and was um really struggling with uh substance abuse at the time.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03Um just kind of self-medicating. He he didn't know that he was bipolar. Um so we went through quite a few struggles um with that, where my dad would um, you know, not show up to work, um, not be able to pay his rent uh because he wasn't going to work. Um and so I found myself being in the role of you my dad would come to me um and need help financially.
SPEAKER_02Right. And so what did that feel like when his he came to you and said, Hey, I need some help financially?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Um at the time I was um I'm a I'm a barber and uh I was kind of like trying to open my own salon um or barber shop. And um so it was tricky. I had um I had a partner at the time that, you know, we would split bills, and so it was always kind of uh difficult when that would happen to be like, hey, you know, I have to help my dad out. Can can we kind of afford to do this? And um but my dad, like you said, um earlier, had not planned for retirement at all. Um and because of his substance abuse issues, had spent um all of his money earlier. Um so he didn't have any any savings or anything like that. Um and luckily I was able to help him out um at the time. And um that kind of continued for a few years, eventually he um you know, he got clean and he's doing great. Um but but then that's kind of when the health issues started to happen.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so you get him over one hump and you have a little bit of breathing room. And the next thing you know, now we're on hump number two. Yes. And how did that manifest?
SPEAKER_03So um we started noticing him being um forgetful.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_03Me and my siblings started noticing being a little forgetful, and then he had pretty bad um hand and body tremors that we weren't sure exactly um if that was substance abuse related before prior, you know.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03Um but but they started getting worse. And then um he started falling down a lot.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And it started to become a real problem where he would um, you know, be out at the grocery store and would fall down. And um it it was starting to be concerning.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um so he started to be um more and more forgetful, and at one point um he showed up at my work and said that he had gotten an eviction notice from his apartment because he had just kind of been forgetting to pay his rent.
SPEAKER_02Right, right.
SPEAKER_03Um so uh I helped him out there, you know, we finally got we got everything settled where he was able to stay in his apartment, and then I got a phone call from his boss um saying that he needed to let him go because my dad wasn't um remembering how to do his job correctly. He was an architect, and so um there's a lot of you know super technical measurements and drawings and that kind of thing, and you have to be really precise, and he just was Yeah, because otherwise stuff falls down. Exactly. Yeah. You want the buildings to stay up normally.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so each time you would get a call, like from the boss or whatever. Yeah. Um I imagine that was like an injection of s of stress into your Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I had just opened up my barbershop. Um, so that was already stressful, you know, um starting a new business. Right. Um and I had I I was in the middle of a breakup with my long-term partner at that time, and then this all started happening with my dad. It was all at the same time, and it was um it was pretty stressful. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I mean, you're full at that point. Yes. You're full. Full. You've taken on all the stress bomb you can take on. When you're starting a new business, that's enough to put anyone over the top of their daily limit of stuff they can handle. Yeah. With all of that going on, then a breakup, which is a whole nother everybody knows what that's like. Right. That's like a full-time job in and of itself, just getting through a breakup.
SPEAKER_03And we owned a house together, we were together for a long time, so we had to sell the house. There was all kinds of stuff, and it all happened at once.
unknownTrevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_02There were entanglements in that relationship, which complicates the breakup, of course. Yep. And then right when your plate, again, it's like coming away from the all-you-can-eat buffet, and you've got low, you've got a loaded plate. You have taken three helpings of everything, and you're walking back thinking, okay, this is all I can handle. Yeah. And then a dump truck backs in and drops meatloaf, 300 pounds of meatloaf on your plate. Okay, so you're there. You're in this situation. And then what happens to your dad?
SPEAKER_03So fast forward, um, now I am in a new relationship. I think we've been dating for about a year.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03Um, and we had just moved in together. And now my dad has nowhere to live. He can't he doesn't have a job anymore. He can't afford to pay his rent on his own. I can't afford to pay for his own apartment.
SPEAKER_00No.
SPEAKER_03Uh because I, you know, had just opened my business and all that. Um so we move my dad in with us.
SPEAKER_02Wow. That's now you're way off the charts.
SPEAKER_03I had just moved in with a new partner, and our my dad is living with us.
SPEAKER_02I mean, and I mean, I I don't know what it is how it is for a lot of people, but I can be with my relatives. My close relatives, I'd say about a day and a half.
SPEAKER_03And then I gotta get away. Uh that's usually my limit.
SPEAKER_02So taking a relative, especially your parent, into your home.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Wow. Our apartment is uh uh we still live there. Uh it's a loft style apartment.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_03So there's no doors on uh bedrooms or anything like that.
SPEAKER_02Oh, even better.
SPEAKER_03Let's just totally open access. Yes, our bedroom is upstairs, but it's still all open.
SPEAKER_02It's one place. One room.
SPEAKER_03One room. Yes.
SPEAKER_02One big room, and dad's now in that room.
SPEAKER_03Yes. We have uh uh an extra room with a futon in it that he's staying on now, just right beneath our bedroom.
SPEAKER_02So there's no way I can have sex with my dad in the room. I know some people can do stuff like that, but I would just feel like it's not ideal. I know that's not the most important thing right now, but it is a thing.
SPEAKER_03It is an important thing, especially in a new relationship.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's the other thing. It's the best time of the relationship. Right. If it were a five-year-old relationship, you wouldn't be having kids anyway.
SPEAKER_03You're over it.
SPEAKER_02Trevor Burrus, Jr. So the timing is so important here. But anyway, so you've brought that in. So first of all, kudos to you for taking the that on.
SPEAKER_03And to my boyfriend, like that was admirable.
SPEAKER_02Trevor Burrus, Jr. That says a lot for that guy for sticking, right?
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02Um he's still in the picture, right? Yes. Okay. Well, good if good for him. I mean, I mean, because yeah, because if it's somebody that's bad enough when it's your parent, but when it's somebody else's parent. So you think, hey, a fun new relationship. We're going to move in together, this is going to be great. You're still in the honeymoon period. And then, oh, by the way, here's my dad. Yes. It's like a bad sitcom plot.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, so everybody's saying let's go with this, and he comes in, he comes to live with you.
SPEAKER_03Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_02And everything ended happily ever after. And it's great. We're all roommates and uh It's three's company all over again. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So um so uh my dad also um I think this is important, um, was not I think he was uh fifty-eight at the time. Trevor Burrus So very young. Really young, yeah. Um we were kind of still trying to figure out, you know, what was going on with him, why this all was happening. Right.
SPEAKER_02Because at that point you don't even really know exactly what's happening.
SPEAKER_03Trevor Burrus, Jr. Yeah. It kind of s really slowly crept up on us.
SPEAKER_02Trevor Burrus, Jr.: That's the point. I'm really glad you said that, because that's kind of how it can I mean it can happen abruptly and suddenly, and it does, but it can also happen slowly, and so you're not really sure what's going on. Right. Is it a motivational thing? Is it a life change? Like is this another identity crisis? You know, because guys with their crises holy crud. They just keep having them. We don't stop having them. We just never get over the fact that we can't play baseball. Anyway. Okay, so you're trying to figure out what's happening.
SPEAKER_03Um yeah, because he had taken some really bad sp spills where he fell and he had to get like 17 stitches, I think, at the back of his head, you know, it was like a lot of stuff happening. Um anyway, so he he was diagnosed with um dementia. It's assumed that he has um Lewy body dementia.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Which following is like a big um part of that. Yeah. Um so we were while he was living with me, um, I was trying to navigate the social security system and trying to get him on, you know, Medicaid. Um because he's not 65 yet, so normally you wouldn't qualify. I was also trying to get him on disability um just so he could get any type of payment because I knew for sure that he was gonna have to go into a care facility because of the falling mostly. It wasn't safe for him to live by himself anymore.
SPEAKER_02Right. And I you're saying these things, you're kicking off these things like dealing with Social Security and Medicaid or Medicare or whatever. And uh uh for those of you who have never had to do anything like that, it's a bureaucratic hellhole. It is, yes. And even Satan wouldn't.
SPEAKER_03No, he wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole.
SPEAKER_02So uh so you're do this uh again, that's a full-time job, just dealing with government bureaucracy. So you're doing all of that. You're getting him ready for a transition to some sort of facility.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Which he was not stoked about. My dad has always been um really independent. Right. And I think it was really difficult for him to realize that he was going to be kind of losing that independence.
SPEAKER_02Aaron Ross Powell Right. And I do want to touch on that. That is a key psychological transition that the parent is making very difficult. Very difficult and that you're making as the kid, recognizing that they're they because you also, by the way, I think you might agree, but I'll ask. Don't you want them to stay in control? You want them to just be able to manage their freaking life.
SPEAKER_03I would love to not have this power.
SPEAKER_02So they don't want to lose control, and you don't want them to lose their their power and their agency. You want them to keep going because then you can do your own things. Yes. Can I just live my own life?
SPEAKER_03No, you can't. You're not allowed anymore.
SPEAKER_02Well, you know, old people used to just die.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But now they're hanging around a long time. Did I mention that by 2040 there will be a hundred million of these suckers walking around? Oh my God.
SPEAKER_03I think um in my particular case, too, the um because my dad's so young, um, he's 60 now, um, but because he's so young, there was an enormous guilt factor on my part putting him into a care facility because the vast majority of people that are living there are much older than him, um, because these things generally don't happen until later in life. Aaron Ross Powell, Jr.
SPEAKER_02So it's fair for him to feel like, hey, I don't want to go to an old person's home. I'm still in the middle of my life.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And you felt the same way. Like you felt a little guilty about making that transition. But it wasn't sustainable your situation for his safety and for your sanity. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03I would feel much worse if I didn't do it and he fell down and died, or you know, was bleeding and couldn't get somewhere.
SPEAKER_02You know, that's a scary thing to think about, is if you're at work and your parent is on their own and they have balance issues, it's very scary to think about.
SPEAKER_03Are they gonna be able to even while he was living with me when I would have to go to work during the day, I would be like, all right, I'm gonna leave him here for you know eight hours and and hope that nothing bad happens.
SPEAKER_02Right. Okay, so uh do you get him transitioned?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so he lived with us for five months. Oh my gosh, you are a hero.
SPEAKER_02Can we just say that out loud? You are a hero human. Everybody listening to this right now has just gained so much respect for you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, he lived with us for five months. Um and we I got him into a care facility. So it was him and one other woman that lived there. And um it was horrible. It was r really, really awful. And I ended up having to call um adult protective services and report this particular care home because um of the way that they treated him.
SPEAKER_02Um man, that's horrible.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they were really um, you know, kind of feeding him they were feeding him like canned yams with salad dressing on it. Just the cheapest things that they could find because the other woman that lived there was in her nineties in um kind of v uh vegetative state, you know. It wasn't really all there. Um and then they uh were they were very religious and they found out that he was gay and they were doing like praying for him in like a little prayer circle and you know, trying to cure him.
SPEAKER_02I'm telling you, after we're done with this podcast, you and I are going over to this place and we're gonna burn it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Not really. I didn't really say that, but I am thinking in the R.
SPEAKER_03But I thought about it, yeah. Um so he ended up moving back in with us.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Oh my goodness, back. Here we are.
SPEAKER_03They're back back to the future.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03We ended up getting a really, really great caseworker who really helped me out. Um so he moved back in with us for I think it was like two months. Wow. And then um she got him into where he is living currently, which is a really nice um care facility that they have it's basically like he has his own little apartment, you know, little studio apartment. Um but they have nurses that come and check on him and and distribute his medication and make sure that he's doing okay and you know, call me if anything bad happens.
SPEAKER_02How's he doing?
SPEAKER_03He's doing okay. Yeah. That's so good. Yeah. He uh he was doing a lot better when we first moved him in and uh and and then with his type of dementia that he has, he's kind of um there's ebbs and flows, there's good days and bad days, but overall he's doing pretty good. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So first of all, I am so impressed with you as a human being to be able to uh have managed that and to come through it and to be doing as well as you are.
SPEAKER_03Appearing What's that? Appearing as well.
SPEAKER_02Well, I guess that's I guess I need to ask that. How are you feeling on this side of that? Do you feel intact?
SPEAKER_03Yes. It's much better now, you know. I feel like little things still always pop up here and there. But um we survived.
SPEAKER_02And and does did your relationship uh with your father did it change in any way as a result of going through this with him? Um Is it the same? Is it different?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Me and my dad have always been really close. Um which is, you know, I think why it was my my responsibility to take care of him and you know, get him to where he's at. And um yeah, I think maybe it it brought us closer.
SPEAKER_02Well that's that's amazing. It's it's a fantastic story. But um and you tell it very well and you tell it with a lot of a plom, but I'm sure the experience of it was highly stressful along the way. Very stressful, yeah. And uh you you've aged probably emotionally.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I know you meant appearance was.
SPEAKER_02No, no, no. You you it doesn't show on the outside. Oh, that's good. I used to tell people um, because I had good genes, so I looked younger for a while before I cragged out. I I used to look younger than I actually was, and people would say, Wow, you look so young, and I would say, I'm old on the inside. And I'm guessing you feel a little older on the inside than you did before all of this happened. Thanks for sharing all that, by the way. Um I know that's um that's a lot of emotional uh baggage that you unpacked for us, and I think it's helpful for people to hear your story. Yeah, absolutely. So I appreciate you doing that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So uh what about you, Ross?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well, my dad has uh has gone on to his great reward, but he lived a long time. He lived to be 93.
SPEAKER_01Oh wow.
SPEAKER_02He was always uh just like your dad, he was always very independent, very controlling, always was in charge. Yep. It was hard to ever think of him as not being the critical authority in charge uh in my life. Um and he was extremely youthful for an older person. So in his 80s, he was still like traveling to India by himself.
SPEAKER_01Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_02So for the longest time, you didn't have to really think about him. There were other things that came up along the way, medical and personal things, but they were blips, and he would recover and then he would just go off. And he lived overseas for many, many years. He lived in Paris by himself, and just you didn't have to worry about him that much. You kind of worried about is he gonna live or not, but you didn't worry about him like being okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um but over time I started noticing, and the first thing I started noticing was like he'd get up when he was visiting, he would get up from the couch or something, we're watching TV, and he would get up like to get a drink or something, and he would just be a little like you could see he was just having a little balance issue. I started noticing this, and it was weird. I had not noticed that before. And um, and that just started getting worse, and then you know, he um I would hear like that he fell down crossing the street, you know, where he lived, and it'd be like, what? That sounds strange. But it was all explainable, you know. It didn't, it wasn't like, oh my God, he can't stand up. It was just like well, he's in his 80s, so I mean, you're gonna trip, you're gonna misstep. Didn't really put it together. Then I started like really being concerned about him driving. He had a car accident when he was on a trip, like he'd rented a car and he told a story about how the guy turned in front of him and he had nothing, there's nothing he could do, but I just started feeling suspicious, keeping my eye on him, you know.
SPEAKER_03The pieces weren't fitting.
SPEAKER_02I was just starting to get suspicious. And he I shared all this with him and he said, I one day he came to me and said, I want you to give me a driving test. And I'm like, what? He goes, Yeah. So we so I say, okay. So so I set up a driving test for him. So he gets in the car, it's my car, and I'm in the I'm in the test, the examiner's chair, the examiner's seat, and we go for a drive. And it was kind of cute and also kind of sad because the whole time he's talking, and he never used to do this. Uh-huh. He's talking nervously out loud as we're driving, like, okay, here comes the stop sign. So I know I gotta stop here, and then I'm gonna turn my blink around. He's talking, and it's like so weird because he it's almost childlike in a way. Sure. And he does great on this whole test. Like, I take them all around, he's able to do great, he's doing everything the way he can. So now we're on the way back, and he's he's passed. I mean, he's done great. We're coming to a three-way intersection where there's only this part we're driving on is controlled. The other way is people can just drive through, so you have to stop, or you can and we're driving up to the stop sign and he's not slowing down. Oh no. And he's not slowing down, and he's not slowing down, and we're just about to go buzzing to this intersection and get T-bone because there's a car coming. And I scream, stop! And he does. And he looks at me and he goes, I failed, didn't I? And I go, Yeah.
SPEAKER_03A little bit.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you did. And um, it was kind of sad because I know he realized it too. Sure. Like he realized, uh, I don't I don't have what I think I have. But that didn't stop him from driving. Oh no. He he he moved himself to another state.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_02He moved he moved out to Reno. And I found out he was driving someone else's car. Um but where where he really got into trouble was uh so we was living in this community for people over 50, but they weren't, it wasn't a like a medical facility. It was just an older person's facility in Reno. And and he started having some back pain, which he had had off and on, and he started getting medication for that, and he was over-medicated. Okay, and this is a familiar story with elderly people. They go, they go in for pain medication, and every single doctor they go to, and by the way, they go to like a hundred different doctors, and every single one they say, I'm having pain, and every single one, without checking, if they're already loaded up with drugs, we'll give them more drugs. You know, so he had like a trash bag filled with all kinds of medicine, and he was taking all kinds of pills anyway for all kinds of stuff. And uh, but this back pain medicine was making him goofy. Like it was he was pretty much high all day long, from what I could tell. But it was at a distance now, so I didn't know exactly what was going on. And then I figure out for the first time he's in trouble because he says he's not gonna be able to come to my oldest daughter's wedding. And he was a ham, he would never miss a family event like this. Like this was an like a wedding was an opportunity for him to steal the focus. Like, hey everybody. So when he said he wasn't gonna be able to make it, that was weird, and talking to him is his his words were slurred, he sounded like he was drunk. Yeah, he was drunk on pain medication. Yeah, and he had a he had a history of uh substance, I don't know if I want to call it abuse, but misuse um in terms of alcohol and uh prescription drugs. You know, at that point we started a family intervention, and that was a whole thing. Now we have a big family, fortunately. So we were able to a lot of people were able to get involved in this the next few years of what this was going to become, because it was gonna become initially an intervention effort, like let's try to deal with the immediate problem, which he's doesn't seem to be coherent. He's all by himself in a state that nobody lives in. And he seems to have come under the clutches of a weird couple that are extremely involved in his life to the point where you would call him and they would answer his phone.
SPEAKER_00How bizarre.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, we started getting very suspicious. This guy, Billy. Billy had a southern accent. Uh-oh, Mr. Jim.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02My dad's name was Jim. Mr. Jimmy. Well, he's doing fine. Where is he? Oh, well, he's sleeping right now. What are you doing there, Billy? I wanted to, after a while, I wanted to get this guy, Billy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I didn't not trust this guy. I didn't know what he was up to. I didn't know.
SPEAKER_03I don't know, but I don't trust him.
SPEAKER_02I didn't know if he had a scheme going. You know, was he trying to like get money? Was he getting money?
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02So at first we do an intervention to to start getting over there. A lot of people jumped in to try to help him in place. But he was a mess. And then he got sick and he went into a uh hospital and then he got an infection in the hospital.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_02So now he was like in a an assisted living, so not an old people facility, but like a place where it's like a medical facility for people who need constant medical attention.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And at one point they tell us he's done. The doctor basically says he's gonna die. Yeah, he's gonna die. And my father was extremely he he was not very coherent. I mean, I would visit him in this facility in in Reno, and he's he was not clicking at all.
unknownOh no.
SPEAKER_02And he was sick. He was really sick. He had this infection. So um they were telling us it was over. And I just remember thinking, like, this sucks so much. Long story short, we get him out of there, even though he was sick. We get him out of there, we get him up to Portland, where where my sister and I live, and my brother lives close in Seattle. So we get him up here, get him into a different facility, he gets treated for his thing, he's able to graduate from there. He goes into from there, he gets to go into like a more typical um uh facility for people, uh, for eld older people who need who need you know monitoring and care. You know, one of the good things about this is most of my family is pitching in in different ways. People are doing what they can. Not everybody is frontline, like my sister and I and my older brother, but uh they're doing a lot of different things. You know, some people are handling his financial stuff, some people are handling the the bureaucracy of you know social security and all that jazz. So imagine having help. Amazing. Some people are are doing like you know, helping him, you know, g get furniture he needs, whatever it is. It's like everybody's doing certain things. And uh and one of my one of my jobs was to go to all his medical appointments with him. And we went to uh a neurologist who within like 10 minutes said, You have dementia. And my father was extremely resistant to that diagnosis. He's like, I don't, but he acted like somebody who had dementia. Everything about him fit the diagnosis. So I get why he was angry at the doctor who had no bedside manner. Sure. But I mean, it was kind of like the writing was on the wall. So I would go to these doctor appointments. So we would go to his GP, and the GP is doing a medicine inventory during the appointment, and he was saying, Okay, you're taking this. Why are you taking this? And some of the stuff my dad had been taking for years.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_02Like he took Prozac for like 50 years and was like, You're not supposed to take Prozac that long. No. Um, and he was and he was says, Why are you taking Prozac? And he goes, I don't, you know, I I was depressed when my second wife died. Well, when was that? 20 years ago. Well, what um so you know, anyway, so he had all these pills, and when he's going through this list, and he gets to this one drug neuron, and he goes to my dad, Do you have nerve pain? And my father goes, No. He goes, Well, you shouldn't be on neuron. That's for nerve pain.
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02I'm taking you off that. Okay, sounds good. We go to that appointment, I drop him off. Uh, I come to see him like a week later, and I'm talking to him. And all of a sudden, he starts quizzing me like he's the dad and I'm the kid, like I did something wrong.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02He's like, What's going on with this? And how come, why is this going on? Like, you know, who's managing this? And how come I'm I want to know what's happening and I want to see these. And I'm like, it was so different because he had none of that had been happening. And now he was clicking on all cylinders again, and he was running the show again.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_02And I realized it was the neuron. The neuron, this drug he was taking for nerve pain that he didn't have. One of the side effects is to essentially, in a nutshell, it can make you appear to have cognitive malfunction and it can give you balance issues. And all of that went away as soon as he stopped taking it. So now he was like cognitively back the way he always was. Right. And I remember being so excited, I go, wait, wait, wait, what's happening right now? Yeah. He goes, What, what? Like he he was like, it's like I think for him it was like, well, now I can think clearly. Totally. And so I'm doing that. Yeah. And for me, it was like, is this are is this a pod situation? Did somebody body snatch you? And are you an alien now?
SPEAKER_03I think that's so important to uh for people who are going through this to make sure that you make that appointment to go through their medications. Because I went through the same thing with my dad, and he was on so many, and when they took him off of certain ones, it was like night and day, you know. The tremors got better. I think his memory did improve for quite some time there. And um I think that that's a really, really important point to make.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's it's I'm glad you emphasize that. Yeah. So it it ended up that um he for the next two or three years he lived at this facility, but his experience uh was much more positive than it would have been. Um and um he, you know, it this control thing is a real thing, losing control. And he would say, and and this may happen, you know, to other people, and this may have happened to you, but he he would say things like, I want a car, or I want to live downtown. I want to live in an apartment. I want to live downtown so I can go shopping and I can walk around and I can take the bus places, and and there would be little things like that that he would say. And initially, I would react with all well, here's why that can't happen. And it would be very frustrating for him. And I realized pretty quickly that what he was really saying is I wish I I miss being in control. Yeah, I miss my autonomy. And so what he really needed to hear was not here's why you can't be autonomous, because he already knew that. Right. He wasn't as stupid, he was extremely intelligent. He was really saying, I miss, I miss my life. And so what I started saying instead was when he says, Well, I'm gonna I want to live downtown and I'm gonna, you know, have my own apartment, and I would say, Wow, that's cool. How is that gonna happen? What will that be like?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And um, and the other thing I would say, because a lot of times he wouldn't have an answer for that, and I'd say, Okay, well, let's keep thinking about it. And the other thing I would say is, as soon as you are able to do that, you're right. That's exactly what we're gonna do.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_02As soon as you're able, which means you have to be able to walk, because he was having walking issues, you have to be completely safe, you know, you have to um, you know, be able to handle stairs, maybe, or all kinds of things that come up. And as he the longer he won went on, he would he stopped saying those things. And instead, he would get he would get his autonomy by um he would ask to be taken places. And he would go, we go places. We would get like a picnic, yeah. We did, you know, go he loved going to the store and shopping for meat and have lots of stories about all the stuff that we did. But the one of the things he really enjoyed is going to Costco. He loved it.
SPEAKER_03I love Costco myself.
SPEAKER_02He loved who doesn't love Costco. He loved he loved the idea of buying an oil drum filled with Cheetos or something, just the idea that you could do that and save money. And um, but he loved going there and he would go shop around, maybe not even buy anything, but he would always get a Costco hot dog. But one of my favorite memories of that time was I came down to visit him and I would just often just show up without telling him, just to surprise him, and he wasn't there. And I said, Where is it? And they said, Well, he went to Costco.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_02So I said, Okay, I'll wait. So I'm waiting for him. And a bus, like you know, they had a they have a bus at these some of these facilities where they take people out on scheduled outings, like they take them to the store, they take them to the coast, or they do something with them. It's an outing. And this I figure he's on this bus. I didn't ask how he got there, I just assumed. So the bus pulls up, and every single person on that bus looks about as miserable as you could possibly. I mean, it was a sad-looking bus with a sad group of people on there. I don't know where they'd been, but they look sad. And I just felt my heart sunk. It's like, oh, my dad's in this place, and everybody's sad, and he's probably sad. And they get off one by one, and he's not on the bus. And I'm like, uh-oh. Where is he? Because when your parent gets so old, the other thing, putting aside all these other concerns, the other thing you're always wondering is, are they dead?
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02Are they dead today? Because eventually they do die. Right. So you're like, okay, well, you know, when get someone gets to be 89, 90 years old, if they show up dead one day, no one's gonna go, how did that happen?
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Too soon.
SPEAKER_02They stop saying too soon when you hit 60. Anyway, so um, so he's not on the bus. I'm feeling now I'm feeling worried, but within a couple of minutes, a caregiver's car drives up. He's in the front seat, he's wearing a baseball hat. He's got a big grin on his face, and he's eating a Costco hot dog. And my I spirit sword because it's like he is living his life. He's doing it. He's doing it so it's his way, it was his way of like exercising a little freedom, yeah, doing what he wanted to do, and he wasn't miserable. And for the most of the time he spent there, it was pretty positive. And um the kind of fun surprise I started out saying since my dad uh with all he had many flaws as a human being, but one thing he always consistently hid out of the park was whenever I needed him, he was there. Yeah, he always was on my side. Always. So I felt like I owed him. So that was part of it. That was part of it. So I came at it with a light spirit. I didn't come at it thinking I'm gonna get some kind of credit or that my other siblings would be grateful. I didn't do it for. Anything except I kind of feel like, well, you know, he's earned this.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02He would do if the tables were turned, he would stick with me. Right. So I'm sticking with him.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And my sister the same way. And I think many of people, many people in my family felt that way. And they did what they could.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Some did more than others. There was one guy who didn't do much. But you know, he didn't have the emotional bandwidth, I guess, to handle it. Sure. But what happened in the process is that my relationship with my father was always a little strained. It was on the on the surface it looked good because we liked sports and we would joke around. But I never really felt like he appreciated me as a person.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And through this process, this we spent probably three years, he spent like three years, maybe four years going through this process before he died, uh, we actually became friends. But more importantly, he I could tell that he enjoyed who I was. He, whatever expectations he had had for me to follow a certain path, which I never did, he was okay with that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And we enjoyed each other. So what happened was going through this process, it was an opportunity for us to get to a much better place that I never thought we would ever get to. We got very close. I asked him lots of questions, questions that maybe I'd been afraid to ask before, just things I'd never thought of before. I learned a lot of things about him. He learned a lot of things about me. And when he did pass, what I didn't expect to have is a feeling of loss, not of my parent, but of a friend. And really, I was the one getting something. I might have gotten more out of it than he did. Yeah, he got support and we were there for him. But I think I got more because I developed a friendship with my father in a way that I didn't think would ever happen. Okay, so some factors that I've noticed want to check them out with you. Sure. Number one, I mentioned in the beginning, parents probably not gonna tell you they need help when they need help. They might. Yep. But they also may not be fully aware that they need help and you're gonna have to step in and they may resist. So that's something to watch out for. And just the nature of life, we always we always say, oh, it's coming at the worst time. But if you think about your life, no matter when that comes up when you have to start taking care of your parents, that's always gonna be the worst time. You're always just oh, we were just about to go on vacation, I'm just starting a new job, new relationship, we just got a new place to live, uh, the car broke down. It was always gonna be like the worst time because your life is typically filled with emotion.
SPEAKER_03I think I was in Mexico when I found out that my my dad got evicted from his apartment.
SPEAKER_02So the lesson if if we haven't learned any lessons is don't go to Mexico. Don't go to Mexico. No, they're just stay out of Mexico. Nothing bad will ever happen to you.
SPEAKER_03Nothing will ever happen.
SPEAKER_02Okay, point number two. Going from kid to caretaker is an emotional journey. Yes. It takes time, it takes energy. It's a huge shift. Sort of like having a baby. The difference is with a real baby, you know when it's coming.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01That's true.
SPEAKER_02With uh an ad with a parenting issue, when you become a parent for your parent, you don't actually know when they're gonna need you and exactly how it's gonna go. And it can go gradually, it can happen all at once. And they're a lot more vocal than a baby. That's what I was about to say, is that they're a baby that can argue with you. Yes. They're a baby that can get around. They're a baby that also has a long history of running your life and telling you what to do and judging you and all those things. So there's a mock more emotional baggage than with a baby. I mean, that's one reason babies can't talk. It's an evolutionary thing. Because if they could, they wouldn't make it, man. They wouldn't uh make a lot of these babies. I mean, that's right. You just like forget it. Forget it. So it's a good thing they can't talk. So basically, you're having a monster baby.
SPEAKER_03Yes. It's like having a giant monster baby.
SPEAKER_02A big, giant monster baby. And so not only do you have the stress of all that, but not everybody is like you, Jamie, where you come into with a good relationship. Some people have a strained relationship at best with their parents. And so you're bringing all these resentments and grudges and grievances into a situation where it's set up for you to be even more resentful because now you're making sacrifices. You've got your parent living in your loft apartment where there's no doors, and it's like, uh, okay, that's a sacrifice. Yes. But there you are. Like there you are, you're in the middle of this thing. So that's point two. And I think just being aware of how tough that can be is an important part of it. It's not wrong to be hating it some of the way, like to be hating those moments.
SPEAKER_03It's really gonna be rough.
SPEAKER_02And so it's important to realize, yeah, this is normal for me to be pissed off about all of this and to have resentment. And that helps you, I think, noticing that it helps you start sorting through, like, okay, so can I compartmentalize some of these feelings and not take it out on my parent? Yeah. Um, because uh they don't want to be here either. More likely than not.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so then facilities, point three. Uh some facts about facilities, they are staffed with people who get paid almost nothing. Um if you can afford and uh first of all, most a lot of people can't afford to put somebody in a facility.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So that's a whole nother thing. But a lot of the people working at these facilities are underpaid, and some of them, uh many of them live below the poverty line.
SPEAKER_03They don't have a lot of incentive to go above and beyond their job.
SPEAKER_02They don't have a ton of training, they don't have a lot of support, and they're not getting paid very much. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03And I also have noticed, um, at least at my dad's care facility, that there is a lot of turnover with um care workers. Um, and your caseworker number that I I would like to point that out also. You're gonna get a new caseworker every month. So if you find one that you like, don't get used to it.
SPEAKER_02Don't get used to it.
SPEAKER_03It's there's a lot of turnover.
SPEAKER_02There's a revolving door of people.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_02And that goes to really what my point is about this is not to break bad on caregivers or these facilities, because some are, you know, there are a lot of good people out there. I met a lot of good people who really cared about my father's welfare and took care of him. Uh he fortunately had some money saved up so he could afford to be in a facility. Um, but my point is is uh not to break bad, but to say you got to keep your eyes open, you gotta keep your eyes on what's going on.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02So if your parent is in a facility and you live a thousand miles away and you say, okay, they're safe, and you take off and don't see them for six months, that's not a good strategy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Because yeah, it might be great on the day you drop them, but the next day new people show up, new rules, and just stuff happens. Like I found like, so like my dad's thing was food, that was a big thing. And so he would like getting extra things for dinner. He would say, I want an extra ice cream. And it was just like a little cup of ice cream. And he would just like stuff like that. Like, I want extra mashed potatoes. It just made him feel good.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so like somebody started telling him he couldn't have extra ice cream. And if I hadn't, if we hadn't been going there all the time, we probably wouldn't have found that out.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02But when I found that out, I just, you know, went to the director and I said, This guy gets all the ice cream he wants. Right. Like, I don't care if that's all he's eating. Let the guy have some ice cream.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And that's just a minor thing, because there could be other things. They can have falls, they can have all kinds of experiences. And, you know, we had a deal with the facility that they had to let us know everything that happened. And my sister and I, I mean, it was really my idea, but because we both lived here and we both would be interacting with the staff and the people taking care of them, the facility director and and my dad, of course, is that she was the good cop and I was the crazy cop.
SPEAKER_03Okay. The wild card.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so I would just be automatically enraged about the smallest things. And the reason I did that is not because I actually was that mad about it, but it was I just wanted them to know that there was a a person who was a bit of a loose canon that they were gonna have to deal with unless my dad was happy all the time. But again, it's just letting them know that we're keeping an eye on him, we're keeping an eye on you. And even if you live far away, find a way. And and today with with Zoom and all of this, you know, you can you can actually visit people every day if you want and see them, see what they look like, talk to the people that are taking care of them. You have to do that. You can't stick them in a place and walk away.
SPEAKER_03No. Um and you can always report a place to adult protective services.
SPEAKER_02Right. If things are going really bad.
SPEAKER_03Things are going really bad. If there's and you should absolutely do that. Yes, because other people are staying there that maybe can't speak for themselves.
SPEAKER_02Right. There are a lot of people who have no one to advocate for them. Yep. And that's the part that sucks the most. You live your whole life. So not only do you lose the ability to advocate for yourself, but there's no one who will advocate for you. And those people are are abused or at risk for abuse. Yeah. We talked about losing control and how that sucks. We all want control. Losing it is hard. One of the other things I did with my dad, besides um making sure he had Costco hot dogs and ice cream, was um like got him the coolest cell phone I could get him. He didn't he didn't use it. He liked getting it. Got him the coolest tablet he could get. A lot of the time he used a tablet like to look up like the cost of coconut water. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, my dad is all about uh TikTok these days. Right on. Which I'm not even on TikTok. I don't know how it works. Well, you need to get with TikTok. I guess I need to get on it.
SPEAKER_02So but he can teach me. There's all these little things that that they can do to feel like, okay, well, at least I'm controlling this. I'm controlling what I eat. That was the other thing, getting special food. He had a little uh little mini fridge. He had a mini fridge and a microwave.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_02And and he had uh uh one of those self-heating coffee things. Okay. Uh whatever. So he was able to like even make certain things. That he would go to Costco, get something that he liked, and he was found ways to make it in there. And that that came up just, you know, yeah, it was good that he could get the food he wanted, but it was more about just having a little control.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. My dad his favorite thing is to complain about the food at the place. So being in control of your food and being able to go grocery shopping and have your own little snack stash. It's huge.
SPEAKER_02A snack stash is huge. And that's just one of the things that you could be looking for, those opportunities to help them have a say in how their day goes. Because when you're living in an institution, a lot of times food is like the only thing that's fun.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Is meal time.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02And then if you have no control over that and the food sucks or it's just not what you like, then that's really bad. Aaron Powell Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Can you imagine going through quarantine and not having snacks? That would have been horrible.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I have killed snacking. I have set a new record for how much one person can eat. Because that's how I take care of myself.
SPEAKER_00That's right.
SPEAKER_02I stuff myself until I'm lying on the ground in tears, and then I still am reaching for more chips.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it does.
SPEAKER_02You know, I need to cut the sweep of this ice cream with a candy bar. So and that kind of goes to my last point, point number five. And that is you have to take care of yourself. So when you're in the middle of this hero journey, this hero's journey that you went on, Jamie, not everybody can be like you, Jamie. Not everyone can wear a cape and a mask and fly.
SPEAKER_03She can do it all.
SPEAKER_02It's really the it's easy, especially for people who are set up for this emotionally, to kind of take on the martyr role, and that is a formula for psychological distress. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02So if you have somebody you can share the load with, if you're lucky like I was to have people in your life who are like, yes, I will do something.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I can't do everything, but I'll do something. That's great.
SPEAKER_03Aaron Ross Powell Yeah. My boyfriend and I had like a little code when my dad was living with us, and I would just say, you know, I'm going to go take a bath. And that was code. I would go take a bath, but it was a tub and cry. So I would have my glass of wine and bathtub and just be sobbing in the bathtub.
SPEAKER_02Trevor Burrus That is a beautiful image. Bathtub wine.
SPEAKER_03It was my solace during the because there's no doors, right? Except for on the bathroom. So I could lock myself in the bathroom.
SPEAKER_02It's the one place you could go.
SPEAKER_03That's right.
SPEAKER_02Trevor Burrus You would go in, sit in the tub. I kind of imagine you're in your clothes and there's no water. You're just in the water.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, the shower is just drenching my clothes. I have a whole box of wine sitting on the tub ledge.
SPEAKER_02Box wine. Yes. Box wine.
unknownBack.
SPEAKER_03Just a funnel.
SPEAKER_02But that was exactly that goes right into what I was about to say, which is find a way to give yourself those mini breaks. Yes. Because you're going to need them, especially if you're on your own. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03Get those emotions out because bottling them up is no good, and it's going to be really hard.
SPEAKER_02Trevor Burrus, Right. And the detectives will figure out that you killed your parent. Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03When they're living with you, they're going to know.
SPEAKER_02I do appreciate you sharing your personal journey on this because I think it's extremely first of all, you've been extremely successful, but I know how hard you've worked and how strong of a person you are to have weathered this. Thanks so much for being here.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_02And uh I I love spending this time with you. Me too. Thank you to our audience for joining us wherever you are. We love having you in our community. You can help us grow our community from a tiny, shrunken community to a bigger, tiny, shrunken community. And everybody wants that.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02Everybody wants bigger shrunken. And uh you can follow the show on Instagram or Twitter and support us that way and keep uh informed with the latest cool things and the latest episodes. You can rate us on Apple or yeah, Apple Podcasts. They have a way to rate the show, and apparently that helps people who are trying to decide is this show for me and they want to see, do other people like it? So if you like it, give us a good rating and keep us commercial free if you can by supporting us on Patreon. If you can't, as I say, you're always welcome here. And we hope you will tune in to another episode because whether you are sitting in a bathtub drinking wine and crying your eyes out, or just someone enjoying a Costco hot dog, it's important to remember that we all smell like humans. Goodbye, everybody.